Category: Journal

I’m back to justify my feelings for Igor because I don’t want to appear crazy.

I’ve dated a few men. All of whom were just ‘meh’ to me, hence why none made it to boyfriend stage. But for me to happily and willingly allow Igor to stake a claim on my girlriendship means that I felt something more than just ‘meh’.

He was this guy that I’d known for 100 years after just a few days and there was something about him that meant that I couldn’t stay away.

I think of him and I get butterflies. I think of him and I smile. I think of him and I want him inside my vagina. There’s a whole load of chemical reactions happening inside of me all at once and it’s overwhelmingly delicious.

I spent today at Poppy’s place drinking alcohol, getting intoxicated. I also told her that I think Igor is my one and she thinks I’m crazy but I’m not going to let her skepticism change my mind.

He’s mine.

Also, I sound crazy…

🎄 Merry Christmas!

It’s also mine and Igor’s one month anniversary. To be honest, we’ve probably unofficially been together for over a month but the transition from just seeing other to actual exclusivity is a bit blurred. So to have an official date attached to the conception of our relationship I decided on the 25th November because that was the day I asked Igor the ‘what are we?’ question.

Have I not actually told the story? Well kids, grab some candy canes and gather round because it’s going to be a crazy one.

I’d noticed that he’d been referring to me as his girlfriend for a few days but basically dismissed it as him being silly. So come November 25th, I asked him when he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend to which he replied that he thought we were already together and didn’t realise he had to ask me out because it was childish. I was like, “oh”. Silly me! Of course I knew that! Of course I’m not a sentimentalist! Of course I wasn’t expecting an exclusivity proposal. But whatever. I’m old. What do I know? Anyway since there was no official date, I made it that day and it’s such a good date because 25 is an awesome number!

And one month later, here we are!

Epic story right? No? Whatevs.

My Igor Rogi…

I really like every single thing about him. His face. His demeanour. His body. Everything. He’s everything. He’s mine. I’m not letting go of this one. Even when I’m ugly, to him I’m beautiful. Which is basically like everyday.

This one is the one. He’s my one. He’s all the things I’ve wanted and more. I can see a long future ahead of us. Let’s not even think about the fact I’m from Deraland and he’s from Igorland, or the fact that he smokes. Those are all bridges we’ll cross when they become an obstacle. I just can’t wait to fall in love with him.

His brother bought him two tickets to go and see his favourite band on 13th February and he invited me along. We’ll have to take some time off work and stay in a hotel but it’ll be a nice little getaway, especially since at this point we’d be almost three months together with Valentine’s Day a day away. Making future plans is cute.

I’m marrying this guy. I know it. There is no doubt in my mind. The fact that I can say it with such certainty means it’s going to happen. My intuition has never failed me and it’s not going to start now. I’m marrying him and I’ll have his babies too. We’ll start an amazing and happy life together and grow old together. I want to be with him forever. I’m not crazy – it’s just how I feel.

I’m going to once again Google if I’m psycho for thinking such.

After five years with the wrong person, so soon after I meet the right person. My forever-person. The man whom I will build a home with. I get an overwhelming sense of ‘this is it’. There isn’t going to be a fourth boyfriend. I’ve found my one and only. I’m going to love him with all my heart and give him everything he deserves. He deserves the world. I’m going to be my best self for him. I’m going to cherish every smile on his face and hold him on cold winter nights. He’s mine forever. Mark my words.

The love of my life, Igor Rogi.

The massive smile he put on my face yesterday morning when he said he wasn’t offended by me and he completely understood where I was coming from. He’s just amazing. I’m going to love this man so much one day, if I don’t already.

Yes, it’s only our one month anniversary today which is barely any time to know someone. And I don’t want to feel like I’m silly or childish for feeling this way but he really is the one. I’m not going to freak him out and tell him all of this but when the time comes he’ll know how I feel for real, granting that my oscillating moods don’t ruin shit.

But I know he’ll know because I’ma marry him and the above words will be my vows…

* * *

Can we just appreciate the names I make up for everyone. They’re pretty legit! Rogi is Igor’s surname, which is basically Igor backwards. Genius!

* * *

I’ve told my mother (and father) about him. She’s happy that I’m happy and I’m glad she’s accepting of him… Not that she wouldn’t be but you just never know until it actually happens. I think she’s just pleased that his mother’s a dentist and his father was a doctor. Educated family and whatnot. But when I have a master’s degree in engineering and a sister studying medicine at university, standards have been set… But to be honest if I brought home Mark Zuckerberg my mother wouldn’t tell me to send him away because he didn’t finish university so it’s not really a criteria to base compatibility on or whatever.

My mother actually told me that she didn’t have the impulse to go into mother of the bride mode when I was engaged because she just wasn’t feeling it despite her sisters’ prompts. I guess I wasn’t the only one getting bad vibes. In a normal situation my mother would have gone crazy planning things, buying things, booking things but nothing… Same with me… I never ever really felt the urge to do any wedding stuff. But it doesn’t matter now. From today onwards, my journal will be an ex-free zone. No more mentions of past relationships. Igor is my present, my future, my forever.

Anyway, it was a good day celebrating Christmas with the extended family. Beautiful.

Igor just video chatted me with his best friend and brother. Lovely. Well he’s not hiding me so that’s nice… Definitely still marrying him though.

I’ve also moved the spare mattress downstairs because there is no way I am sleeping next to my sister Elfa again. She literally moved around the whole night, elbowing, kicking and removing the covers off me. Worst sleep ever but surprisingly not tired because I am high on life.

Not much to say except that I’m happy and best friends with life again.

Fuck me. I’m so embarrassed. Igor insisted I send him my last journal entry only if I wanted to and since I want to practice openness and honesty, I did. Then he asked me if I didn’t want to be with him anymore, which is the last thing that I want. Of course I want to be with him. So to once again prove myself to him, I sent him the entry from 19th December, “Intuition says forever-person. I say ok!” FML. Then he said that I was confused because I wrote that he wasn’t my type so I had to send him a snippet from an unfinished entry meant for 23rd December that said “‘Type’ is such a stupid measure of whether someone is right or wrong for you. When I was young, I had a type but as I got older ‘type’ just became redundant.” I then explained to him that I don’t have a type and that my 19 year old self would never have imagined themselves with a “6’4” Igorian” but as I got older and wiser aesthetics became less important to me, but I’m lucky that he’s attractive anyway. And to prove that I found him attractive, I sent him the last part from the entry on 22nd December. And now I’m embarrassed. I don’t want him to know how much I like him. It’s creepy and quite frankly a bit too much. I just want to hide because these were my own personal feelings, feelings that I’m not yet ready to disclose because I’m being cautious as fuck. Maybe I need to stop journaling and just keep my thoughts to myself. I’m a bit annoyed.

I feel like I need to forever keep justifying myself. I know I’m a walking talking contradiction and my mood basically dictates what I feel or don’t feel but when I’m emotionally numb I literally feel nothing for anyone or anything.

The 22nd was an emotionally numb day. I had no opinion of anything and no desire to do anything. I didn’t even eat. I didn’t miss him, not because I don’t like him but because I just didn’t have the headspace to. I was mentally distant from myself. I just laid in bed all day because I needed a break from being near someone all the time. It may not feel exhausting at the time but constantly having to change your plans to cater to someone’s desire to spend time with you is frustrating and it’s an internal battle that I have to fight, leaving me mentally exhausted.

Especially since I’m not in my own space. I’m not somewhere surrounded by my own belongings, things that make me feel at home. I just needed a rest.

But now I’m really annoyed and I’m having second thoughts about this whole relationship thing. Maybe I’m not ready for one.

I know I’m speaking out of annoyance and everything will be fine when I’m feeling less moody. I do want to be with him. 100%. I just don’t want to think about it right now. That’s all. I need to think about me and be a little bit selfish. I’m worried I’m going to revert back to what my old relationship made me. And I can’t have that.

It’s like the other day, we went into town and he wanted to get a haircut and I wasn’t feeling too great because of my period. I just wanted to go back to my place and have some peaceful moments to myself, just for a bit. But it was the last night we’d be spending together before Christmas because he had to fly back to Igorland the next day. I said I’ll go home and I can meet him after he was done at the barbers. Then he said I should just wait for him inside the barbers that it wouldn’t take long then we could go back to his place. So I was just like, fine, whatever. I might as well just wait for him. But I was really annoyed actually.

I just needed to be in pain in peace. Period pain sucks and all I wanted was my own bed, no disturbances.

He’s a nice guy but I want to see him less. I appreciate that he likes me and wants to spend time with me but sometimes it can be too much. Feeling like I’m in control of my own life is important to me and when I feel like I’m losing control I emotionally rebel against it and the person who’s holding the power.

It’s also more of a case of me speaking up and fighting for myself. I can’t carry on with my people-pleasing ways. Things will need to get better if I am to survive in this relationship. Intuition says he’s good for me but intuition won’t keep us together if I’m not communicating my needs to him.

I’m still very embarrassed. I don’t need him to know that I think he’s my forever-person. I think I’m doing this dating thing all wrong. Time to run away me thinks.

Maybe I’m a little bit stressed. I think I am. I feel like he thinks bad of me now. That I’m flakey or inconsistent. Oh fuck it. I care too much and I need to stop. I can’t be bothered. It’s stressing me. I’m stressed. Fuck this. I’m going to get erratic and send him an essay about who cares and he’ll think I’m an even bigger freak. I should sleep it off. That’s the best thing to do. I’ll refrain from messaging him for now. Even though I have this insatiable urge to explain to him that I’m not a crazy psycho girlfriend who’s going to lock him down and make him my forever-person by force.

But then again, is being honest with my feelings so bad? I just read back the entry from the 19th and actually it’s not that bad. In fact, it’s really sweet. He should be fucking honoured that I feel this way. I’ve changed my mind. It’s not that embarrassing. I was just being dramatic. Now I’m laughing at myself because I realise now that journaling is what I need to be doing when I’m in one of these moods. It stops me from reaching out to people and being confusing. I’m happy I didn’t try and message Igor and justify shit that didn’t need justifying because I know I would somehow say something contradicting and leave him even more puzzled about the weirdo he’s dating.

I’ve calmed down now. Phew! Writing out my feelings help. I don’t even think I want to go back and read the craziness in the previous paragraphs. But basically that’s how easy I switch and that can leave people very confused about me. My mood dictates EVERYTHING!

I’m amazing.

* * *

Now that I’m calm and thinking clearly-ish, I need to go back and address some of the things I said.

He didn’t force me to spend time with him. He never forces me to do anything I don’t want to do. He was right, it was our last night together, and it’s cute that he wanted us to spend it with each other. I wasn’t feeling great that day and my mood was impacted. But I’d rather be with him suffering and being looked after, than alone with my laptop watching anime and eating nothing.

He always, and I must stress the ‘always’, puts my needs first. With anything and everything he does he considers me. He is selfless, thoughtful and understanding. He is the best thing to have ever happened to me and I can’t even express how grateful I am for him. I know I take my frustrations out on him but he’s not to blame. I play my part for not speaking out.

I need to remember he’s nothing like what I’m used to from past guys. All he wants is for me to be comfortable and happy and so I need to feel free enough to be open with him. He is everything I’ve ever wanted in a man plus more. It’s like God heard my pleas and sent an angel in the form of a 6’4” Igorian.

I can’t wait to fall in love with him.

I do want to be in a relationship. It’s just not easy sometimes. But it’s all a learning curve. I’m also learning about myself in the process and journaling has been very enlightening. It’s given me a massive insight into who I am and half the shit I say but sometimes don’t mean.

I think in the future before I impulsively say anything to anyone, I’ll write out my feelings to check if I’m being unreasonable or not. Igor is a little bit sensitive and I don’t need to take him on a rollercoaster of confusion just yet. He also understands that I’m insecure and God knows whether or not that’s endearing, but it hasn’t put him off me, so we’re all good for now.

* * *

I can’t be bothered ANNYYYMOOOORE. ANNNYYYMMMOOORRREEEE!! I give up. I wasn’t built for love. I was built for strong, independent woman who don’t need no man.

But I like hiiiiiimmmmmmmm. Fuck me. He’s taking this whole “type” thing and me needing more time alone so seriously. Like I said, it’s time to run away. Switching off my phone bitchez! I’m uncontactable until 27th December. Don’t come at me. Ok phone’s not switched off. But I have deactivated WhatsApp. Will probably do the same for Facebook Messenger.

PEACE.

I can’t be bothered. Really. I’m just going to stop talking. Everything I say or write is always the wrong thing. I give up. Never showing him anything I write in my journal again. Good or bad. That’s it.

* * *

All is good! I was just being dramatic! Carry on!

Wow. This blog entry really has been an emotional rollercoaster. I pity the fools who have to keep up with me! Hahaha!

He’s forever-bae.

Finally. Some alone time. I love spending time with Igor but these past weeks have just been me and him all day everyday and now I need a few moments to myself. I’m happy for the Christmas break. Recently I’ve been chafing. Like I just needed some space but he loves spending time with me and it’ll be mean to say no when we’re going to be apart for a whole week during Christmas.

I’m just not used to being so near someone for such long periods of time. I was in a long distance relationship for two years and being by myself was what I became used to. Then Igor comes along and suddenly I don’t know what Dera time feels like anymore.

Right now, my feelings for Igor are clouded by frustration. I’ve also been thinking about my past relationship and my ex. Sort of inwardly comparing what I have with Igor to what I had with my ex. I don’t miss him. I just want to remember if I ever had any feelings of dejection with my ex so that I know that what I am going through with Igor is normal.

I just want to slow down and not get too comfortable too quickly, considering that I don’t really know him. I still believe that if I gave him a chance, my intuition wouldn’t be wrong. He’s perfect for me. I just have a massive mind block thats preventing me from seeing that right now. The fact that I know how I’ve felt about him in the past means that I know I’ll feel the same way again. Feelings just don’t disappear.

Being on my period hasn’t really helped matters either. I’ve felt ridiculously shitty and unattractive and I’m not feeling too great about anything right now. Getting away for a week will be good for me. I’m not going to try and force happiness, I’ll just let how I’m feeling run it’s course and hopefully I’ll be back in full swing come the new year.

Igor and I have already spoken about doing more things individually in the new year. We’ll both go back to our hobbies and see each other when we have some free time. I think that will be best. I’m not ready to give up my freedom for love. I unintentionally did that once and I’m not doing it again. I am Dera first and foremost. Being someone’s girlfriend is a secondary priority.

Last night, we went back and looked at some of the first messages we exchanged with each other and I’m completely surprised as to how we were communicating as if we’d known each other for about 100 years. It was weird. I can still remember the first evening we went out. I should definitely recount the story, although I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.

We both have a mutual friend called Casper. Casper and I are pretty close and go on nights out quite often. So, Casper suggested us three go out for dinner that Friday evening after work. We grabbed a burger and I sat quietly while Casper and Igor chatted away. I was in one of my subdued moods plus I didn’t really have much to add to their conversation. Casper had already clearly grasped that Igor and I were vibing on a level and so once we had eaten, he decided it was time for him to leave. Upon his departure he turned to me and said “Have a good night Dera”, giving me a very knowing look then left me and Igor alone.

Igor and I sat chatting in the garden of the restaurant (because he smoked) for about an hour. We’d already established that we had similar taste in music earlier on that evening at the bus stop outside work and that was already a pretty bonding factor. The conversation was flowing and it was great! At this point there was no inclination that we really liked each other but I guess body language spoke louder than words. He told me about how he was useless at relationships and I told him how I was useless at staying engaged. Neither of us really suspecting any blossoming romance. Needless to say, something was definitely brewing.

We then headed back inside where we decided to mess around for a bit. We thought it would be fun to choose each others next drink, something horrible obviously. I chose a lovely spiced rum for him and he chose this disgusting liquorice flavoured canned cocktail for me. We laughed and the banter continued to flow. The next round, we chose something nicer for the other then left for another bar where we ordered yet more drinks. We talked loads, laughed more and then called it a night. I wanted to take him to my special bridge but it was getting late and the buses would stop running soon.

But that didn’t mean that the fun would stop! We completely nuisanced ourselves on the streets of our little town. Passionately singing out loud some System of a Down, Chop Suey!. Hugging walls, singing into fist microphones, being dramatic. Then onto a rendition of Papa Roach’s Last Resort. Classic. We were tipsy to say the least.

I walked him to his bus stop then decided it would be great to go into the store and buy some sugar; sweets, candy, chocolate, ANYTHING! It was 10pm in the evening and he came out with cereal, bread and a healthy snack bar. I bought nothing… He shared his horrible nut and dark chocolate bar with me but I broke off a bit too much and didn’t want to be rude so I offered it back to me. He refused so I did the only thing I could and stuffed it into his mouth. In that second we definitely had a moment. I remember looking into his eyes, him laughing at what I just did and suddenly feeling the tiniest bit shy. Feeding someone is a bit intimate and even though it was a joke, there was something there.

His bus came and he went home and that was it for the evening. Until he messaged me on Facebook Messenger… And this is where our story begins.

But it doesn’t end there.

The next morning he reached out again. The evening before, we had agreed on hanging out the next day but Saturday came and his friend invited him to his city to meet up for some coffee. Instead of blowing me off, Igor invited me to come along. I said yes because I know no boundaries and off to this other city we went to meet the friend of a guy I barely even knew. Fun!

This is only day two of our story, but at this point I already felt like I’d known Igor for just under 30 years. Nothing was awkward or weird. I met his friend and we had a good day out. Just like that.

And that is how I know he’s mine. Everything is just natural around him. Nothing feels forced or too much. We’re just ourselves and so because of that, we’re great together.

I feel a bit better now telling the story. Even though this only happened last month, it feels like years ago and I don’t want to forget the natural connection we had from the start. I’m going to allow us a moment to recalibrate. To find ourselves and then we can go back to being the amazing couple we are. I’m not ready for us to become an old married duo yet, so we definitely need our own space to just be.

* * *

Being able to get done the things that I’ve been meaning to do but haven’t had the aloneness to do is satisfying. Today I just want to relax and enjoy the solitude.

I need to talk about the thievery I was involved in on Wednesday. I went to get my helix re-pierced and upon payment I was only charged ↂ6 instead of ↂ36. I knew I was being undercharged but said nothing and proceeded to pay the ↂ6. I felt so guilty like I was a thief so I told Igor about it and he said it was their responsibility to check that they were charging me the right amount. He said ↂ6 was more reasonable and that I should say nothing. Hahaha! He’s so funny. Either way I feel bad and until I told Igor, my conscience wouldn’t let me rest. Anyway life happens!

I’m not going to go home for Christmas today. I’ll go tomorrow. Just being able to spend time alone is everything I need right now and I don’t want to ruin that just yet.

I’m very attracted to Igor! We take the cutest pictures together, we look amazing together and since I’ve been with him, I’ve been feeling a lot more body confident. The way he makes me feel about myself is more important than the way he makes me feel about him. Any guy can whisper sweet nothings into a lady’s ear and have her swoon. But make a woman feel cherished, appreciated, listened to, cared for, beautiful, not many men can do that.

His looks is one thing I’ve never really spoken about. I talk about him as a person a lot rather than how handsome he is. But he is handsome and ridiculously tall. Too tall in fact. I’m 5’5” and he’s 6’4” with big feet… And you know what they say about men with big feet. And I can definitely attest to that phenomenon. He’s good looking but I’ll leave it at that because I don’t want anything I say next to take away from his all-round amazingness.

I don’t really have much to say today but actually I’m thinking about death. Just had a quick stalk on Matthew’s Facebook page and saw the single heart breaking message his Aunt left him. I’m not even sure if he had many friends and that’s what sucks because he should have people pouring message after message on his wall but there’s nothing. Do people even know he’s dead? I mean, obviously his worth isn’t measured by who has or hasn’t written on his wall but it’s more about whether people actually know he’s gone.

If I died today, what would happen? How many people would my death impact? I know it’s not worth thinking about but really, how will my life be remembered when I’m gone?

Anyway, I thank God for my life and I pray for good health and a long life.

I want to talk about intuition. I know I keep saying Igor is my forever-person because my gut tells me so. But I’ve also had the complete opposite where my gut has told me someone is very wrong for me. Just as I think that it’s valid to know someone is the one based only on intuition, it’s just as ok to feel someone isn’t for you because your gut says so.

I was with my ex for over five years. I’m sure this is a line I’ve used over and over again. But yes, I was with him for five years. But why does this matter? Because for all those years, I knew he wasn’t for me. I knew he wasn’t my forever and yet I didn’t accept that what I was feeling was the truth. I loved this man. He was my best friend. We got along so well. He treated me like the princess I am and made me very happy. We shared some amazing times together and made great memories. And yet, despite all of this – he wasn’t for me. And I knew.

I didn’t want it to be true. I wanted this horrible feeling to go away. A feeling that told me that one day, everything we had would come to an end. I tried to justify it. I didn’t want to feel this anymore. And so I did everything for it to go away. I said we should get married. We should have kids. We should do something to take our relationship further. Literally anything. And yet, I knew in myself that I wasn’t ready for those things. I just didn’t want to lose my best friend. I wanted to feel like he was my forever.

But forever never came, I lost him and it wasn’t a surprise. I saw it coming five years ago. One, two, three, four years into our relationship, every year, I’d secretly confide in myself that I wouldn’t marry this guy. I wasn’t trying to confess bad into my life. I just knew it was the truth.

And I was right. I would have been very unhappy with him. I see this now. But all I wanted was to love him forever. Live my perfect life with my perfect man… my perfect man who wasn’t making me happy. But actually, he was a blessing. He came into my life when I needed him and left when he’d played his part. I regret nothing.

Now flip the script. Igor.

Intuition says forever-person. I say ok!

Ok!

I’m never ignoring my intuition again for such a long time. I’m too old to be wasting time and if intuition says no, then boy bye! If intuition says it’s you, best believe you’re not going anywhere.

Forget honeymoon period. Forget rose-tinted glasses. Forget wishful thinking. This is it. It is Igor. I just know.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

Despite TLC’s heeding, I’ve been chasing waterfalls and avoiding the rivers and lakes that I’ve been used to and I’m loving it! No further elaboration needed.

It was Igor’s 28th birthday this week. He’s actually the oldest guy I’ve ever dated, on account of my two exes only being a year older than me.

We both took the Friday and Monday off work and spent the long weekend together. It was nice. We actually really get along. Our relationship dynamic is an interesting one, at least when compared to my relationship with my ex. Now, I don’t want to take away from either relationship because they involve two completely different people but from what I’ve simply observed, with my ex, we were more friends than lovers as opposed to me and Igor who are equally friends and lovers. Igor and I are getting to know each other both romantically and amicably and that’s something I haven’t had a chance to experience before. That’s not to say it’s a bad thing, it actually really fun and intense. I’m enjoying it.

We’re both serious about each other and I like the thought of being with him for a long time. I’m going to Google whether or not I’m crazy to think he’s my forever-person so early in the relationship; I really feel like I need to justify myself, but I just know. I get this feeling and it just feels right. Everything feels like it’s leading to a very predictable point. A point where we fall in love and live happily ever after. If only I felt half the confidence I feel for this relationship in my ex relationship, maybe I’d still be getting married. But actually no, because I wouldn’t have met Igor and he’s worth the heartbreak I went through to eventually find him.

He really is special. On Saturday night, I almost died (being the drama queen I am, that’s translation for, ‘I wasn’t even remotely close to death’). I’d gone to see my favourite band live and there was a lot of jumping and head banging. Suffice it to say, my little body couldn’t take all that loss of energy, and considering I hadn’t really eaten or drunk much that day (silly me), I almost fainted on the train home. It was bad; a wave of dizziness suddenly overcame me, I felt sick and could barely hold myself up. I started to sweat and had to sit on the train floor before I collapsed. Igor started fussing over me but I was borderline dead to even register it. He was sweet and he looked after me, bought me McDonald’s and everything.

But that’s actually the first time in my life that I’ve felt vulnerable. I’ve never been through a tragic near death incident and I’ve never had my body fail me. Ever. It’s so easy to feel invincible. Like you’re above death. But having my body react adversely to something as trivial as being exhausted exposed how helpless we humans really are. The experience was so revealing.

I’m fine now though!

My childhood friend Poppy came along with Igor and I to see my fave band. It was amazing!! They were amazing!!! I’m still buzzing over it. Loved it! I met Poppy at school when I was nine and we’ve been friends ever since. She’s actually the longest friend I’ve ever had and considering I’m pretty rubbish at keeping friends, it’s lovely that we’ve been able to maintain a level of familiarity all these years. I definitely need to keep in touch because I need to be a bridesmaid in at least one person’s wedding, and having a very small number of female friends makes that difficult.

Ok, so after consulting Google about whether if ‘knowing someone is the one right away’ is hella crazy, I’ve concluded that it is, in fact, not. ‘Just knowing’ is enough of an indication that the person you are with could be your forever-person. Igor isn’t perfect. He isn’t even everything I dreamed of. He’s not my conventional “type” either (whatever that is). He was so unexpected I had to pinch myself to see if this was for real. But what he is is he’s perfect for me. The way he makes me feel and his ability to make me feel safe and valued. Being with him isn’t stressful. It’s always so easy and I can relax around him and just be. I’m at peace and my gut isn’t clawing away at my heart over how wrong he is for me because he’s perfect. For me.

This is not a case of me liking him too much or me putting too much hope into him. I need to remain pragmatic, which I think I have. And from this position I can see that I’m judging things fairly. I’m not in love with him, nor am I obsessed but I like him and know enough about him to gauge whether he’s right for me or not. Plus this is the last time I’ll ignore my intuition. Intuition says forever-person, I say ok!

Intuition says forever-person. I say ok!

Intuition says forever-person.

I say ok!

Ok!

Not that I want to bring it back to sex. But let’s talk about sex. Actually it’s not really about the sex, it’s about mine and Igor’s relationship and how fun we are together. On his birthday we went out for dinner and both came back extremely full and lethargic. Now, I’m a big believer of birthday sex and it’s a yearly ritual that must be performed without fail (even though I’ve never actually had sex on my birthday).

So both Igor and I were incapacitated by food, I insisted we still have sex. We both laid there with our full bellies exposed and casually hanging out while neither of us made any effort to move.

I said to him, “babe, we need to have sex” despite not making an attempt to actually have sex.

He replied “babe, we can’t. I’m so full”, to which I replied, “it doesn’t matter, just get hard and I’ll do all the work”.

He then went on to say, “How about putting in just the tip and then we can say I had birthday sex?”. I agreed to the proposition and then we burst out into hysterics and remained idle. I eventually reached out a lazy hand to work some life into his penis.

We continued to be silly. Until sex actually happened and then concluded in a fit of laughter.

Basically, we have fun together and even sex can be a source of banter when not taken so seriously. He said it was the funnest sex he’s ever had. And that’s why we’re good together. We don’t take ourselves seriously and so everything is just natural and exciting.

Ugh.

That’s my first reaction when thinking about my mother. She insisted I call her, making it seem like it was paramount like there was something important to discuss only for it to be for gossip purposes.

Ok backstory. So my exes aunt called me on the weekend and I ignored her call because there is no way I am having yet another discussion as to why my ex and I aren’t together anymore. I’m tired of people not allowing me to move on. Why must this be a revolving topic of conversation in my life. It’s frustrating. I want to move forward, not go back. So why can’t I be left in peace?

Anyway, my mum only called me to find out what my exes aunt had said. Well good thing I didn’t pick up the phone then, because that was a conversation that I just wouldn’t be having. But that wasn’t the last of it. She then started interrogating me about the guy in my WhatsApp profile picture. She asked his name, where he was from, what he did, whether he was my boyfriend. She also said that me and him were living together, which isn’t true at all and at this point I just didn’t want to talk to her anymore. She told me to let her know how things develop. Nope.

But actually, my life is pretty great. I’m happy. Content. Everything is developing nicely. I’m pleased. Here’s to the future!

* * *

I recently found out that a guy I went to university with passed away. He went missing for a few weeks and it wasn’t until I did some digging around that I found out that his body had been discovered. It’s a very saddening situation and I just want to say a few words for him. I’m not going to change his name out of respect for him and the memory of him.

Matthew and I were friends, albeit briefly. We spoke quite a bit and he had a lot of funny things to say. His wonderful candour made it easy to talk to him and he was always eager to get to know you. He made the best out of what life threw at him and did so with a smile on his face. I wish I had replied to the very last message he sent me. I wish that maybe I could have been warmer and friendlier but life happens and life took him away. Rest in perfect peace Matthew. You were a good person with a good heart. I’m so sorry this had to happen to you. I’d like to say more but words won’t be able to convey the sadness I feel at your passing. Rest in peace.

Life is so fragile. So, so fragile. I know too many young people that have died this year. People that I’ve known personally and although I may complain about being old, being 25, not many people get the chance to see another year. Every day is precious and we should be grateful for each one we get. Being old isn’t a curse because being dead is much worse. I just thank God for my health and for where I am. I don’t want anymore people dying. God, please keep us all safe.

I taught Igor about black hair care today. He was very attentive and responsive so at least when I do crazy things to my hair now he won’t get confused.

Also, ever since I stopped putting pressure on myself to get the vaginal fluids flowing I’ve been able to actually have juicy sex. Juicy on account of my pussy being wet wet wet! Exciting times. Now I can finally stop writing about sex since it’s not something that bothers me anymore.

I think that women need to learn to get in touch with their own sexuality. Using lube is the biggest cop out and unless there’s something medically up with you, not getting wet is not an excuse. I used lubrication throughout my relationship with my ex because he just never turned me on but then I didn’t even try because I knew lube was our go to. But being able to just have movie sex…

Movie sex: the ability for penis to penetrate vagina with no extra effort.

…is amazing. Knowing that all you need for good sex are two bodies and nothing else. Nothing external. Nothing influencing the pureness of what you have. Amazing. We don’t even use contraception but that’s a story that needn’t be told until I accidentally get pregnant.

At what point in a relationship can you start farting because I’ve been ridiculously gassy these past few days and I just need to fart in peace! I can’t kill myself because I’m internally drowning in my own flatulence.

No stressing. Just pure, unadulterated happiness all around. It’s good to just mentally and emotionally relax. I’ve been putting too much pressure on myself these past few days by ruminating over the same thing time and time again. But I’m free. No stress. Just peace.

Everyone has their shit but competing with yourself is not going to help matters. Just letting things flow naturally is the way to go and you’d be surprised what can happen. I’m happy. The thing is, I know this, but I can’t help but stress. It’s something I’m trying to change. But it has been ingrained in me for the longest time and it’s a hard habit to break. But baby steps.

So I changed my WhatsApp profile picture to a photo of me and Igor and obviously the questions came rolling in – WHO IS HE?! WHAT’S HIS NAME? HOW DID YOU MEET? And this is from family. Needless to say, they’re happy for me. I’m happy for me too. I’ve always had a good feeling about Igor and I. Right from the start. And it’s nice when others feel it too.

You know when people just know that someone is the one for them before really knowing them? Intuition and whatnot? Well if Igor ends up being my forever-person then I would have totally called it. I just have a nice feeling about everything. I really do suspect that he is but I don’t want to put too much expectation on this and then get hurt if it doesn’t work out. So for now, he’s just a potential, alongside the billion other of age men on the planet.

And yes, I will go to Scotland to visit his brother. Meh.

I’ve also decided that today is Dera Appreciation Day. I’m taking myself on a date. Going to sit with a nice book in a chilled restaurant and enjoy some Dera time and alcohol!

Igor totally said we should go to Portugal sometime in the New Year – like in January. Hmmm! Anyway, I’m literally the clumsiest person I know. I think it’s because I just can’t keep still. I’m always moving or touching something. That’s why I constantly spill stuff or hurt myself. I’m an actual hazard. I need danger signs around me.

* * *

So my results from the sexual health clinic came back.

I’M ALL CLEAR MOTHERFUCKEERSS!!

I don’t know why I always assume the worst of myself. I knew I was clean but then again, I’m a fucking masochist – I doubt myself because I clearly like the unnecessary stress. It’s like I’d do anything to sabotage my own happiness. Well at least I now know that I’m not contaminated. I win!

Not even joking. Igor is the last guy I’m sleeping with.

Why do new relationships bring out flaws you never knew you had? Or is it because I’m trying to be more mindful that I suddenly realise how big of a drama queen I am?

I’m actually tired of myself. I need a break from Igor because all my constant focusing on my insecurities is doing my head in. It’s not his fault. It’s mine. And it’s not an excuse to want to stop seeing him. I don’t want to stop seeing him. I need to regain control of my own sanity, not that I had it in the first place.

Actually I’m going to set myself a challenge. I’m not going to complain about myself, blame myself for anything or worry about what Igor thinks of me. He’s made it clear he really likes me, a lot. So I have no reason to feel any type of way about myself. I want to be confident. I am confident. Fuck, I’m a walking contradiction. I’m ridiculously confident but with Igor, I’m a mess. I need to stop caring so much what he thinks. My life won’t end if he suddenly decides to unlike me and then ups and leaves me. I need to be above this mindset. I don’t NEED him to like me, but it’s nice that he does. He’s a companion, not a be all or end all.

We even had a little lovers tiff yesterday. Don’t really feel like divulging much information, but it was about sex and feelings apparently got hurt. This whole sex business is problematic. I feel like permanently quitting sex. I’m even tired of writing about it. It’s the same story day after day. I need to get over this shit. Ok, I think I made him feel inadequate, which wasn’t my intention at all. But words get said carelessly and the way they’re received can be misconstrued. I didn’t mean them the way he interpreted but then again, he said something just as offensive to me this morning and I’m sure he didn’t mean it the way it came out, but whatever. Shit happens.

Anyway, Igor said I should go with him to visit his brother at university in the New Year. In my head I was like, errrrrrrrrrrrrr. EERRRRRERRRERERERRR. So I asked him whether he’s told his brother about me and he said yeah, that he’d told him soon after our first few dates. Ok, so I’ve told my sisters about him but that was after we were official plus I’m a girl, we get excited about every new potential possibility. But he’s a guy. Do guys talk about new girls they’re seeing so soon after the first date? I don’t know. Maybe? I just don’t know if it would be too soon to meet his brother. I don’t know! What do I do or say?! Can we just slow down a little bit? I don’t think I want to be involved with my other half’s family so soon.

In Bobby Valentino’s famous words,

Slow down I just wanna get to know you
But don’t turn around
‘Cause that pretty round thing looks good to me
Slow down never seen anything so lovely
Now turn around
And bless me with your beauty, cutie

Can’t I just enjoy his pretty round (and long) thing and his beauty for now? I’m enjoying getting to know him. Why ruin it with the serious stuff? I think I’ll be honest with him and tell him how I feel about it.

Igor and I debuted our relationship at work’s Christmas Party. Well everyone already knew but we made it that little bit more obvious that we were together. Nothing too obvious, but we did arrive, sit and leave together. At the end of the day, it’s still a work function. A level of professionalism needs to be maintained.

Robin got ridiculously wasted but there’s definitely something bothering him. I tried my hardest to lowkey keep my distance from him on account of me sleeping with him and Igor knowing. I just didn’t want Igor to feel awkward. But it was kind of hard when I have a drunk guy throwing himself all over me, telling me that he loves me and blowing me kisses. I’m going to ignore all that transpired and pretend it never happened. Because I know he was just being silly. I just hope he’s ok and that I’m not hurting him in any way by being with Igor. Robin has always maintained that he has no feelings for me so I’m banking on his honesty.

Aside from being less of a drama queen, today I’m going to try my damned hardest to get ridiculously wet before Igor penetrates me. I’ll tell him that we can’t have sex until I’m sufficiently wet. No pressure Dera. I’m going to think about all the things that turn me on. I’m going to touch myself and I am going to get horny as fuck. Just watch me.

* * *

I need some alone time. I don’t want to tell Igor that in case I’m in one of my moods where I say and do erratic things based on how I’m feeling in that exact moment. I say things I don’t mean so I need to be careful and keep some things to myself and wait until I’m feeling better to make any decisions. I read an article that said that before you can get wet you need to know what actually turns you on. So experimentation by yourself is important. Hence why I’m itching to be alone so that I can experiment. But maybe I can experiment with Igor? I’ll talk to him about it.

* * *

Why do I always feel like I’m not deserving. I’m just thinking about Igor going on about how much he likes me but I don’t half believe that I’m someone who is deserving of such deep affection. Maybe because I never felt it from my ex, it’s just really strange that someone could like me so much.

I see my parents and its beautiful how much they do for each other. It’s all a girl can wish for – to find a guy who will cherish and love her unconditionally. And I have that, yet I feel like it’s not for me. I know I’m an amazing person. But my self-esteem actually sucks. What went wrong along the way? Did my past relationship really fuck me up to the point where basic adoration is foreign to me? It’s all I’ve ever wanted. To have a guy want me. And now that I have someone who does, inside and out, I don’t know how to deal with it.

I think this will have to be another Dera counselling session. How my ex fucked me up. Here comes a part of that story that I wanted to remain untold.

I never felt wanted by him. It was a recurring theme in our relationship. All I ever wanted was to feel closer to him but there was this huge divide that we just couldn’t seem to cross. I suggested and tried many things just so that I could feel an ounce of affection from him. Our sex life was either very lacking or just non-existent. He never really saw me. He didn’t see me. I could be fulfilling his every sexual and non-sexual desire and he wouldn’t see me.

I was in a hurry to marry him. Maybe that would change how things felt. I was in a hurry to take things further with him. Take things anywhere, I didn’t care. I just wanted to feel wanted. Then he put a ring on my finger and nothing changed. I had that horrid gnawing feeling in my gut that this guy didn’t want me, something just wasn’t right. He wasn’t giving me what I needed from a relationship but I blamed myself. I thought it was all my fault that I felt the way I did. I blamed myself for his inability to maintain an erection with me. I blamed myself that he blamed me for how much his life sucked. Everything was always my fault. It was always me. I was the one ruining everything. I was the one in the wrong for not feeling loved enough. For not feeling happy. It was always me. I couldn’t live my life like that. I couldn’t. And yet I did, for over five years.

It’s not unreasonable to expect basic affection. It’s not. So why did I always feel like I was asking for too much? Asking him to do more when it should have been the default? He’s not a bad guy but I don’t think he was ever in the position to love anyone. He isn’t ready.

My feelings and opinions were second class. They didn’t matter unless they aligned with whatever it was he felt. I was stifled. I couldn’t express anything. Everything was an attack on him so when it came to speaking my truth, I couldn’t, lest he ran away and closed himself off to me. The relationship was solely about him. Solely about what I could do for him. I never got anything in return and so I suffered. I never mattered and so I got used to it. Nothing in the relationship was ever for me. I did everything to please him, to make him happy, just so that he could want me. I tried my damned hardest, I really did.

But depression is real. And I found myself in a dark place.

All my effort was redundant. It amounted to nothing. And all I have to show for it is not knowing how to accept basic affection and major insecurity issues.

Anyway enough on this. It hurts having to write about it.

I wish I could confide in Igor, but there’s no room for ex drama right now.

What the F. Yesterday’s sex sucked! I got a bit upset when I wasn’t wet enough and hurt his penis because my vag was basically dry and then I refused to have sex. I sat on top of him sulking and refused to move because I’d caused him pain and I didn’t want my terribly dry vagina to hurt him some more. We did have sex but I was just so sad that I couldn’t focus. I don’t even know if I’m making sense but just know that I am deeply distressed by the fact that I cannot consistently get wet with him. I wouldn’t even say there was a mind block, but there was definitely anxiety to perform as well as I did on Sunday. It’s always a fucking cycle.

Let’s write this shit out. I don’t really know what other pep talk I can give myself, I’ve exhausted my internal emotional support system, but I’ll give it a go.

*** Positivity Zone Open ***

I am not sexual deficient. I am not sexually defunct. I am a healthy, young and attractive 25 year old woman. I have a banging bod with amazing breasts. My vagina is great!

*** Positivity Zone Close ***

That was a shitty pep talk. I really don’t know what else to tell myself. All I know is that I need to stop putting so much pressure on myself. I need to do better to be confident and believe that I am normal. I want to be comfortable with my own sexuality and trust that Igor finds me sexy.