Category: Journal

The mind is powerful. I’ve learnt this. Everything that I feel or don’t feel is controlled by my mind. In fact, although sex is very physical, the sensation was enhanced mostly by my mind. It’s amazing how much more I felt when I just focused on what was happening. It was literally awesome. Actually quite addictive.

Feeling free. Not caring about what’s happening around you. Being so in sync with someone that you might as well be one person. Looking into their eyes and seeing how much pleasure you’re giving them. Wanting more, yet it never being enough…

Before, sex was a strenuous activity that I’d rather not do. But I think yesterday was the first time it felt like more than just friction in my vagina. I think it being with Igor made it even better. The sexual chemistry had always been there, that’s why I knew sex with him would be incredible, and it was.

I’ve communicated to him how I struggle to stay present during sex and he’s been so supportive. He didn’t rush me. He made me feel safe and told me it didn’t matter, that we had a long future ahead of us for it to get better.

I like that he sees a future with us. It’s reassuring. Some guys just like to play games, but to be honest, I really am too old for all those annoying 21st Century dating protocols. Like why can’t it be as simple as boy likes girl, girl likes boy and they’re both honest with each other about it? Igor has always been straight with me about how he felt. If anything, it was probably me who took him on a convoluted journey of confusion because I’m just such an awkward person, but I’ve always liked him and I’ve maintained that.

I think where things got a bit dramatic was me trying to take things hella slow. I was literally engaged to be married a few months ago, I didn’t want to rush into anything and I was scared that I wasn’t in a position to really welcome some new love interest into my life. It wouldn’t be fair on him if I was still harbouring any sort of negative emotion towards my breakup – I just had to be sure I was 100% emotionally available before jumping into a new relationship. Fortunately as time progressed I realised I was where I needed to be to fully commit to Igor.

I need to tell someone about my best sex ever. I might just have to message my cousins Sun and Cameera. I just can’t stop thinking about it. I want to consume him. Take him in again. My stomach is doing all sorts of gymnastics just think about it. I’m pretty close to my cousins. But then again, I have no filter. I will candidly and vividly talk about my sex life, regardless of whether they want to know or not. I’m just so excited by the fact that I can have good sex. It’s been a long time coming.

Recently my journals have been centred around sex, but this is a major part of my insecurities that I’ve been trying to fight for a long time. It’s important to me because I want to experience satiating the most basic of my animalistic urges. Plus people don’t really like to talk about sex and I think it’s about time we were open and honest about it. I’m sure there are women out there who have gone through what I have and would feel less marginalised knowing that they weren’t alone in this and that sex can and will feel good for them. It’s horrible feeling like there’s something wrong with you. Feeling broken. Not normal. But I’m ok. We’re ok. We’re all ok.

Actually I’m a fucking loser. Always looking for something to be insecure about. I actually asked him if I was too wet and maybe there was something wrong with me. I just need to fuck off. Why must I complain about everything? Like, am I actually ok? I was borderline going to start stressing about being too wet. I need redemption. And maybe a holiday away from my brain.

I’m jumping from point to point. But I must write a poem about sex (literally no correlation here). Yes, I’m a poet too. Whodathunkit? I love writing. I’m even thinking about getting into song-writing. I do fancy myself a bit of a lyricist. Plus Igor plays the guitar so we can definitely make sweet music together, in and out of the bedroom. But mostly in.

I find that when I’m in an erratic state, my writing never focuses. Reading back my journal entry from a few days ago when I was deeply upset about the fact that I couldn’t get wet, nothing was really coherent. It felt all over the place. But I was all over the place. But it’s good because it gives me an insight into my state of mind. When I’m happy, like right now, everything just flows naturally. Sometimes.

* * *

Igor and I are pretty similar. The nature of our personalities mean that we’re both very susceptible to other people’s negative emotions. When I’m in a bad mood, it can just as easily affect him and vice versa. Two moody people doesn’t make for a good recipe. We’re both extroverts and amazing readers of people and their emotions. And that is great. But I need to be more careful around him. I’m a very expressive person, so that’s easier said than done but I can’t have my bad mood rubbing off on him too. Fortunately, we both get over things very quickly and can bounce back from negative exchanges with no grudges held.

Mostly our arguments revolve around who’s going to be the nicer person; paying for stuff, exchanging gifts, etc. which is cute. We’re cute. The cutest.

I like him. Truly.

He really could be my forever-person. I know it hasn’t been long but I usually get vibes for these sorts of things. I knew from the start that I wouldn’t end up marrying my ex, whom I was engaged to, as I always had this horrible gut feeling about him. One that persisted for over five years and one that I continued to ignore until it got too much and stress and anxiety took over.

My gut likes him. Obviously I don’t entirely know him but so far I haven’t seen anything that I need to be wary of. There’s much to learn about each other but that’s something I look forward to doing.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Why have I never mentioned that he smokes and I hate smoking?!

I guess that’s how much I like him.

Wow.

Just wow.

Was that good sex or was that good sex?!

Fuuuuuck! Yes I was fucked! And it was amazing.

I made sure I didn’t overthink or lose focus. And I stayed in the moment and it was blissful. I was in sync with his body. I wanted more of him. I wanted him deeper, faster, harder. I wanted to sink myself into him. Devour him with my kisses. He felt good.

I want more.

I got wet and maintained my wetness. I went into it with a positive mind. I told myself that I could do this. And do it I did. I’m really proud of myself. He’s amazing.

Fuck I want him inside me.

But this is only the first step. Next step: get me my first orgasm!

* * *

Round two. Ding ding.

Hello falls of Niagara! What?! You heard! This girl’s back! My mind block has lifted and I’m living my best life. Sex life.

It felt even more amazing than the first round. It was like wow squared. Wow to the power of two. Wow times wow.  Wowwow. It was everything. I want more!!!

You know those times I could just think about having sex with Igor and suddenly I’m soaked? Well I’ve regained the ability and I can turn myself on so easy it feels like life’s early Christmas present to me.

I don’t know if writing out my feelings helped. But I feel like my inhibitions have flown away, never to be seen again. Bye!

Root Cause Analysis

The Internet says I should openly communicate about why my anxiety flairs up when I’m about to have sex. I need to get to the root cause. So what is the root cause?

I need to be hella honest about everything I feel. So let’s do this.

Sex was taboo for me. To be honest my parents never really pushed that idea onto me. It was more me borderline getting raped. He fingered me and it felt good – that’s one things I’ve always been scared to admit, the fact that it felt good. Admitting it makes me feel wrong. Then he forced me down so he could have sex with me and I tried to push him off me and I couldn’t. I felt violated. I felt disgusting and I felt like it was my fault. I almost had sex unconsentedly and I felt horrid about it. And yet I enjoyed some parts of it.

I need to feel like I’m not disgusting and I do deserve to be pleasured. I feel the situation only got exacerbated through being with someone for five years who didn’t make me feel wanted. I’ve been unfortunate. But I think all of this starts with me. I need to be ok with myself. I need to look in the mirror and see a body worth loving. I need to understand that I have someone who sees me for who I am and accepts me that way. No judgement. It’s ok to have sexual desires. It’s not bad and it won’t get me raped. I need to believe this.

It really is ok to have sexual desires Dera. It’s fine. Being intimate with someone is beautiful but it should also be fun. The idea that sex before marriage is bad can fuck off. I subscribed to that notion for the longest time and it’s damageing because you feel like you’re sinning. “Sex shouldn’t be fun, sex should be beautiful always”. But actually that’s bullshit and maybe I’m always looking for that beauty in sex, that warm intensity that you’re meant to feel when making love. That’s what I expect with someone I’m dating. As opposed to the crazy, fun sex that I have with my fuck buddies. This mindset needs to change. I can have crazy, fun sex with Igor. I will have crazy, fun sex with Igor. And actually writing this out is making my vagina do things. Because I like the idea of being wild with him. I just need to stop feeling inhibited. Feeling like I can’t show him sexual openness in case he thinks I’m a hoe. Dera listen, being sexually open with someone you like does not make you a hoe. Please. I need to get out of this mindset. I know this for the truth. He doesn’t think you’re a hoe. He doesn’t… He likes you and wants you to be sexually happy.

This is important Dera. You need to understand this. Stop thinking about what should be and focus on what is.

* * *

Last night he said all he wanted to do was make me happy. I told him it wasn’t his responsibility, it was mine. And he said that it was his. He cares about me and it’s nice. He truly is an amazing soul. In fact, he’s sleeping beside me right now and I just want to kiss him.

Anywho, it’s my friend Sana’s 25th today. I’m going to go a bit up North to pay her a surprise visit.

* * *

Something in mine and Igor’s relationship changed today. In a good way. Our relationship became that little bit more serious. I obviously cannot yet say whether he’s my forever-person or not but there’s definitely a future here. He sees a future and I see a future. And it’s beautiful.

I told him about sleeping with Robin. Since I work with both Robin and Igor things could get weird, especially because Robin and I have maintained our best friendship. I can understand if Igor has concerns over me sleeping with Robin again. I won’t though. I’m ridiculously faithful.

Anyway I initiated the race talk today. It’s not something we can ignore and it’s definitely not something we can both say we don’t see. He didn’t understand why the conversation needed to be had because as long as him and I are happy, what the world thinks is irrelevant. But life doesn’t work like that. There will be people who won’t like seeing us together; strangers, friends and family. And because we are together, we will face a lot of prejudice and discrimination. I need to prepare him for that.

As a person of colour, racism is something that I’ve come to accept. It’s not a nice thing but it’s also not surprising when it does happen. Constantly being aware of the colour you are is not something Igor would have ever experienced and so I really need to give him a heads up so he knows what to expect from dating a black girl. He’s sweet though. He said he’d protect me from racist and discriminatory people. Which is nice, but it’s not really about him protecting me. It’s about him understanding what it means to be with me.

I want to be open and honest with him. Communication is hard enough but it’s even harder when two people experience life differently. And making the other person understand something that they’ll never experience will be difficult. But I’m willing to try for us. And I know he is too. I just want to set a precedent of open communication in our relationship. No lies, no secrets.

I need to tap into my inner hoe.

When I went on my little hoecation I was getting wet without doing anything but looking at a guy. I guess it was because there were no strings attached so I didn’t feel the need to really care what the guy thought, but with Igor I’m drier than dry and it’s frustrating. It really is just because I like him so much. All my insecurities manifest themselves and I start overthinking because I want sex to mean something. Maybe I just need to get back into the mindset that sex means nothing and just go for it, showcase my crazy.

Imagine, I actually used to get too wet. Now there’s no sign of the falls of Niagara. I’d say fuck my life but I’d be too dry to penetrate.

I’m frustrated. I think I’m a prude. The whole sex is bad mindset and not being able to just let go is a problem. I don’t think sex is bad but I do struggle with letting go, for fear that I’d get judged by the person I’m fucking. Except for when I went through my hoe phase, where I doubled my body count from two to four in a matter of two days then from two to six in like three months. Hoe! That’s what I need though! I need to stop caring so much.

I am completely overthinking this. When I slept with those three guys after my breakup, I had no expectations so I didn’t give a fuck at all. I was happy to open my legs and for it not to mean anything. I just wanted to fuck and leave. But with Igor I have expectations, it’s not just a casual fuck me, I do want it to mean something… so badly. He’s great. I like him so much and I get butterflies just thinking of him. I’m so attracted to him; I remember when the thought of him used to leave my clitoris throbbing. When he’d kiss me and I’d be swimming in my own juices. With the expectation of sex off the table, I was able to just let go. Those days when I refused to have sex with him, because it was too early in our relationship, were the pinnacle of my sexual desires. But aiming for sex puts me in this crazy funk and my vagina starts to malfunction. I’m never having sex again…

Fuck me… Except I’m unfuckable.

I put too much pressure on myself. It’s ridiculous. There’s always something to critique. There’s always something that’s not perfect. I need to get out of this habit I have whereby I’m never happy with anything I do.

I really am annoyed. I just want to be fucking normal. Instead I’m batshit crazy and can’t even get wet when I like someone – because I like them…!

Where normal people feel like it’s them against the world, with me, it’s me against myself. I’m my own worst enemy and I hate it. I need to do better – be better. Maybe I need therapy. Talk through my inability to just be.

I don’t know. I try to practice mindfulness and I think I’m very in tune with myself and my body but being in tune with it is one thing, actually accepting it is another. I need to be ok with how I am. Not even who I am. How I am. I need to be ok with the fact that I’m not perfect. Yet I’m so accepting of others and their imperfections so I don’t know why I’m always expecting perfection from myself.

Igor has done well not to push me or make me feel bad for how I am. He’s really lovely and constantly reassures me that there’s nothing wrong with me. So why do I constantly feel like there is?

I need to do better or else I’ll drive myself into depression and that’s not what I need for myself right now or ever.

* * *

Ok, less of the serious stuff more of the banter. I threw a tantrum yesterday because I spilt my reed diffuser liquid everywhere. In that moment I was so annoyed at myself that I actually knew I was full on going to throw a tantrum. I told Igor he might want to leave because I didn’t necessarily want him to see me act like an even bigger baby because of some spilt liquid. But can I just say, it was very expensive and not something you’d want to waste.

Anyway I tried to minimise how theatrical the tantrum was so that a level of dignity was maintained in front of bae. I did well because I didn’t cry.

Overall, I’m pretty happy. Journaling really does help me with processing my feelings. The whole drama with the ex literally seems so far away. I don’t even feel a hint of the sadness or guilt I felt yesterday (was it yesterday or last week? Ha!). But really. It helps me put things into perspective – especially once I’ve sobered up from whatever negative emotion I’m feeling. I can just look back at half the shit I’ve written and analyse how unnecessary my thoughts and actions were. Plus I’m learning about myself. I’ve learnt that I seek perfection from myself. I’ve learnt that I blame myself a lot. I’ve learnt that I can be hurtful with words when angry. I’ve learnt that I’m an overthinker. I’ve learnt many things. I want to keep doing this. I feel it’s important.

But for real, I’m happy.

I’m stressed. I just know it. All the typical symptoms have manifested themselves; daily headaches, misbehaving sinuses, stomach pains. I hate this.

And because of how mentally distant I am, Igor has clocked on that there’s something wrong with me and he assumes it’s because of him. I didn’t anticipate past relationship drama and I don’t know how to deal with it while I’m in another relationship. I need to let go of this stress and go back to being present. I don’t know if writing it out would help.

I really feel like I’ve gone backwards with the progress I’ve made. I had moved on enough to not even think about my ex. Moved on enough for previously sentimental objects to evoke no emotion. Moved on enough to pursue a new relationship. But here I am again, wondering if he’s still hurting because of me, which he probably is. My mother told me that his mother said that he had cried down the phone to her because I’d left him. He never cries. But I made him cry and it breaks my heart. Obviously that shows that he really did love me and wanted me but he still never fought for me. I’m not here to ask ‘what if’ questions because there’s is no going back – I do not want him. But maybe I need to remind myself that breakups do suck, feelings get hurt and tears are just inevitable. I cried. I cried during the relationship and after it was over. I cried a lot. He caused me sadness. Maybe I need to understand that it’s part and parcel of heartbreak and not to blame myself.

But I do care about him. I was with him for five years. My regard for him just doesn’t go away overnight. So how do I stop being stressed? All that relationship ever does is stress me. It’s tiring and depressing. I was happy. I just can’t keep letting it affect me. This is my mother’s fault. I didn’t need her to rehash everything. But here I am again, back to where I started. Maybe I shouldn’t be with Igor right now? Maybe I need to deal with my past before focusing on my future.

This is not fair. But hopefully identifying that I’m stressed will help alleviate the symptoms.

Let’s see how my day goes.

* * *

So I’ve spoken to Robin about it and he assured me that nothing is my fault. I feel much better. I just hate coming across as dramatic even though I definitely am. I’m just someone who wears their heart on their sleeves and I can’t really hide how I’m feeling.

I find that when I’m consumed by sadness and worry, that it’s probably best to be given space. I usually get over something quickly when given the chance to process it. But Igor and I are still learning about each other so there will be times when we don’t understand each other.

We had a little argument yesterday. But all is well!! We both seem to get over things pretty quickly and at least we’re communicating so that’s good. I’m trying to be more vocal about my dislikes with a person instead of keeping them in and letting them fester.

I borderline just want to be single because it’s much easier being alone than being imperfect for someone. Having to showcase your ugly isn’t fun. Especially when you really like someone and want them to see you as the perfect angel you are. I get paranoid that he’ll stop liking me because I’m too [insert negative characteristic here] or I’m too [insert another negative characteristic here]. But nobody’s perfect so I shouldn’t expect perfection from myself. Dating is hard, man!

The truth is, I don’t fully believe I’m in a relationship. It’s strange being with someone new and calling them your boyfriend. It’s still something I’m adjusting to and what makes it even more interesting is the interracialness of our relationship. Like I’m actually dating a white guy. And even to me that’s strange. But really, being with someone who isn’t my ex is hard. Being intimate, sharing yourself, doing all that boyfriend/girlfriend stuff is so different to what I’ve become accustomed to. But like Robin said, I need to take each day as it comes. There’s no point trying to conform to the ideals I formed in my previous relationship because Igor is completely different to my ex. If anything, he’s very similar to me. And it’s weird.

Also I’ve quit sex. See, I say that but I’ll probably be fucking him before I’ve even finished writing this sentence. It is true, however. Even though I probably don’t have an STD, I’d rather stay away from sex to be sure. My results from the clinic should arrive in the next two weeks so here’s hoping I haven’t contracted anything. And if I have, well then fuck me. I’m staying celibate for life.

I’m happy again! I’m putting all my ex drama in the past! I think writing and talking to Robin and Sana (my best friend) about it made me feel better. Igor actually told me I need to stop blaming myself for things, that I’m naïve and should stick up for myself and my beliefs. Maybe he’s right. I can be too critical of myself and I’m always trying to save face/preserve people’s opinions of me but maybe it is ok to be a bit psycho. To be honest, my ex was a bit manipulative and I guess that did fuck me over a bit. Because he was always the victim and I the perpetrator. But we mustn’t talk about him anymore. He’s the past. Igor is my future and I’m going to work hard to not mess things up.

Today, I really want to be present with Igor. Show him that I’m here with him. Since I got back from Amsterdam, I’ve been so consumed in my own guilt and hurt that I just haven’t had time to shower him with the affection he deserves. I want to do something nice for him. Maybe I’ll cook him dinner. Then we can have seeeeex! Except I’m vaginally contaminated even though I’m probably not, so we’ll see.

It was my motherfucking birthday and I’m 25 bitcheeeezzzz.

To be honest, I don’t feel any different. I don’t know why I’m surprised, I half expected my hips, back and whole body to break the moment midnight struck, but like with every birthday, I feel exactly the same as the previous day.

So much as happened though! I went away to Amsterdam for my birthday week and it was nice to just get away from the everyday hustle of life. I definitely was having some Igor withdrawal symptoms but some space is good.

I tried weed for the first time, and let me tell you, it goes straight to your head. Literally. It was like a complete mindfuck. So different to getting drunk. It’s like your sanity is partially intact and there’s self-control but all you want to do is laugh. And I laughed and kept laughing and even when I was sad, I laughed and yes, I was sad. On my birthday week. Can you believe it?! Why?

Because my mother told my exes mother about his porn addiction and I got a lovely message from him about how I’ve once again screwed up his life.

Fuck.

Apparently I’m vindictive and it’s all my fault because I’m always out to get him. To be honest, I’m done defending myself. Everything I’ve ever done has been with his best interest in mind. I told my mother about his addiction while we were still together because I had no idea how to navigate the situation and so I wanted her advice. I didn’t do it to paint him in a bad light, I had no reason to do that, I was engaged to him and loved him, but the situation was beyond me and on top of all my anxiety and stress I had to somehow fix his shit and it was overwhelming and all I wanted was for my mother to help me.

Obviously he thinks I told my mother to get back at him but it was never like that. I was ready to support him through his battle with his addiction – I even paid for his counselling sessions. I championed him despite how it made me feel and I’m vindictive?

He can fuck himself. I’m done having to explain myself to him. He’s my ex, whether he likes me or not is none of my business. My mother, however, shouldn’t have said anything to the poor guy’s mother.

I’m fucking angry at her.

Such a violation of trust. I mean, if you’re going to tell someone, don’t tell his fucking mother! She said she did it to defend me because she didn’t want his family to blame me for breaking the relationship for no reason. But there was a fucking reason! I wasn’t happy and it had an insignificant amount to do with his addiction. Why him and I broke up isn’t anyone’s business, not my mothers and not his. There was no reason for them to be discussing our shit. I’m sure my ex has already given his mother his own version of the truth. She should have accepted it, regardless of whether he pinned the blame on me or not, and move on. Fuck!

I’m frustrated. I’ve just gotten into a new relationship. I don’t need ex-relationship drama. I’ve already told Igor what’s going on but it wouldn’t be right to get him involved so I have to deal with this shit by myself. Anyway thankfully it’s been dealt with. After being called vindictive and other names, I told him never to contact me again and if he has any grievances he should go directly to my mother – cos it’s her fault not mine! I’m tired of blaming myself for everything. It’s draining.

With him, I’m always blaming myself because everything is “always my fault”. But the way that I’ve acted with him has been a result of how he made me feel in the relationship. He says I always want things from him too quickly; marriage, kids, this, that and the other, but I’ve just never felt wanted by him and so as a result I thought getting married, starting a family would change the horrible gut feeling I had that something wasn’t right with us. But even after he put a ring on my finger, I didn’t feel better, in fact, I only felt worse and actually didn’t want to get married anymore. I wasn’t trying to rush him into anything, I just wanted to feel closer to him, but he’s such a fucking closed door that that’s something marriage and kids wouldn’t change. I wish I’d realised that sooner.

He really brings out the worst in me. In fact right now, the thought of him is getting me so angry and I wish I could say some really mean things to him but he’s the past and anything I do or say now won’t make life better for either of us. I’m just going to let this one go and hope I never have to run into him again, except for at mutual friend’s events, bleh.

I borderline think I gave Igor an STD – yup, let’s welcome back my blame mentality. OK, I got tested in October because I fucked some guy in September and the condom came off, drama drama, and everything came back all clear. Then I slept with another guy in October but we didn’t use protection so now I’m stressing and worrying that I’m contaminated and I gave Igor something. I’m going to leave work early today and get myself tested or else I’ll end up driving myself crazy with worry. Let’s just see how this develops. I’m intrigued to see how this plot twist will unfold in this crazy comedic shit show that’s my life.

When I worry, I tend to go into myself and I’m ridiculously subdued but I think that I can hide it well but apparently I can’t because Igor can read me like a book and it’s annoying. I’m very in tune with other people’s emotions but being with someone who’s just as intuitive sucks because I can’t hide my own feelings. I like reading people, but I’m not so sure about how I feel about people reading me. I think maybe it’s good? Because maybe it’ll stop me from keeping things to myself and letting problems escalate in my mind. I do that a lot. I struggle with speaking out in case I get judged or hurt someone’s feelings but Igor gets it out of me. So I think maybe it is good. Him forcing me to communicate and me knowing he won’t judge me is nice. He’s nice. I really like him.

He’s good for me. I think he’s what I need. Not in a “my life depends on him” kind of way. But he has a personality that helps cancel out all the bad I think of myself. I can be self-deprecating and I put a lot of pressure on myself but he eases all my crazy thoughts when my worrying goes into overdrive. He’s amazing. I still think he thinks that I don’t genuinely like him but the thing is, I like him a lot. There’s just a lot going on in my head sometimes, like, “did I give him a STD?”, and that can stop me from being present. But I’m 100% with him.

Another thing to think about and that definitely needs to be discussed is our interracial relationship. It’s not something we can ignore. As much as I’d like to think we’re living in a perfect world where prejudice doesn’t exist, the fact of the matter is that it does and we’re are going to face a lot of it, from our families and from people who don’t even know us. It might not be the right time in our relationship for the conversation but it must eventually be addressed. It’s important.

I’ve said enough for one day. I’m sleepy and I’m not feeling too optimistic, especially since I’ll need to make my way over to the sexual health clinic later on today and stick a fucking swab up my vagina.

– – – – – – Late night update – – – – – –

I need to write out how I’m feeling because there’s no one to talk to.

I’m very upset and some anger has also been added into the mix. My ex reached out to me again to apologise, and kinder words were exchanged and things concluded amicably between us. He’s a good guy. Despite the hurt he must be going through, he can see through his pain enough to be nice to me. That takes a lot. And so I’m hurting for him. And I’m angry at my mother for inflicting such pain, pain that I’m feeling too because I care about him and he doesn’t deserve this!

We ended months ago but now our whole “being happy” foundation has been uprooted and it’s so annoying, especially since we’re both moving on or have moved on with our lives. I’m so angry at my mother because I was doing well, I was happy. That relationship was in the past and I am with someone who I can genuinely see a future with.

This of course isn’t just about me but it affects me and I’m so mad. Me breaking up with my ex must have shattered his world. That’s the worst that I wanted to do to him. But my mother’s just added fucking water to the sodium that’s his life. I can’t even imagine how he’s feeling right now. I want to cry for him. I’m going to cry. It’s not fair that he has to go through this. He’s had such an unfair life, he doesn’t need this. He doesn’t fucking need this! Man I’m angry. I’m angry on his fucking behalf.

Why does life have to fuck with him so much? I want to make it better but I don’t know how. I want to tell him that it’s ok, I’ve got him. I want to protect him from the hurt but I fucking can’t. I can’t do anything. I have no jurisdiction. All I can do is apologise and walk away. And it sucks.

My heart hurts for him. My eyes weep for him. And my blood definitely boils for him. We may not be together anymore, but fuck with him and I’m coming for you. He doesn’t deserve this.

Now I must cry myself to sleep. Goodnight.

Bae.

We’ve been together (officially) for four days now and he is already shaping up to be a potential forever-person.

I really like him – obviously you wouldn’t expect me to date someone I didn’t like but, I mean, I really really like him; I can definitely see myself falling for him within the next 60 to 90 business days, maybe sooner.

He’s so thoughtful! I don’t know. He’s just a nice guy. My birthday is coming up soon and he went above and beyond for me – he’s always going above and beyond. He bought me a birthday cake with candles and also earrings that have sentimental meaning to him. He’s amazing.

We are both two very extra people. We do the most for those we care about without expecting anything in return. And that is why we’re always arguing about things that the average human would find nice. “I don’t want you to spend any money on me”, “I don’t want you to buy me a birthday present”, “I don’t want you to buy me a Christmas present”, “I don’t want you to buy me anything”. But because we’re so extra, we ignore each other’s laments and go crazy with the gift-buying and money-spending. We’re great. If that’s all we argue about, I’ll take it because it shows we both care and want to do all we can for the other person.

But in a way, I feel like he feels like he’s not deserving because that’s exactly how I feel. When you’re used to being the person who always gives it’s a very difficult adjustment when you suddenly become the recipient. This is something I’m trying to learn, to just allow myself to be spoilt. I’ve never been in that position before so it’s strange for me to have someone try for me. I actually don’t feel comfortable with it on account of being a strong, independent woman who don’t need no man. But I’m learning.

Our sexual chemistry is hella high. He kisses me and I get butterflies… In my vagina. This is all new to me! Is this what a relationship is meant to be like? What have I been doing for the past five years?! Seriously? I’m not even trying to be funny, but I was with someone for five years and never once felt like he saw me. But now, I actually feel seen, I feel considered. I feel like someone is putting me before themselves. And it’s nice. This all feels so right.

Fuck! What have I been doing all these years? I need compensation for all the love lost. But It’s fine! This is not the time for bitterness. I’m a happy person now and the past should be left in the past. No regrets and whatnot.

Right now, I’m in a slump. I have a hobby turned social media business that has gained me a huge following of 15K+ and this is something I want to build to the point where I can live off it. But because I put so much pressure on myself, I struggle to sometimes find the motivation because I feel like anything I start is already doomed to fail. I know that’s not the right mindset but I don’t want to fail and so the fear of failing stops me from giving it a go. This never used to be an issue but as I’m growing, I expect the quality of what I do to grow too, plus I have 15,000 people who I’m trying to impress at the same time. The pressure is on and anxiety is knocking.

Anxiety loves me. FML.

We’re official! I have a boyfriend!!

I’m in two minds about deleting the journal entry from 2 days ago. I half want to keep it so that I can look back on my crazy but the other half, I definitely think that that day is worth forgetting about. Obviously words were said, anger was felt and I clearly wasn’t in the best state of mind. There may be a day poor Igor stumbles upon this journal, or even, I show him, and I don’t know how he’d feel about me calling him names.

I think a fair compromise is deleting the mean parts about him. Sorry Dera, it’s got to go. I’m not proud of myself and I’m not one for hurting people’s feelings either.

I’ve decided I’m never going to find love. I’m not even comparing past loves with this blossoming and thorny rose that’s mine and Igor’s relationship but aren’t you meant to consistently like someone? Ok, fine, there are aspects to him that will annoy me. But this early on? I need a break from him. He smokes and that really frustrates me as I’m always waiting around for him, in the cold, to finish his cigarette. I thought I could overlook it, but he smells like smoke and I have to have his smoky breath in my face when he kisses me.

Actually I’m just tired of being with him all the time.

Fuck it, I’m telling him I want space. Like right now.

“We could probably spend less time with each other”. That’s polite enough right? Awaiting his reply.

“You want to?”

“Yes”.

“Okay no problem”.

Phew? Phew!

No! Tragedy not avoided.

He followed with, “Is there any problem?”

Yes there is dear Igor, yes there is.

But I just said, “No”.

Apparently I’m not convincing. Lol well who woulda thunk? It’s fine. Maybe I’m just in a bad mood. I probably need to approach this with a clearer mind. But right now, all I need is my space.

I’m going to be honest with him about the smoking. Life is too short to be beating around the bush and wasting time.

I’ve relayed my disdain towards his habit and he was nice enough about it and said he would stop smoking around me. But the fact of the matter is that he’s still going to be a smoker.

But whatever. I think I just want to be alone.

– – – – – Few hours later – – – – –

There’s clearly something bothering me so I’m just going to write it out so that whatever I’m feeling can get processed and then disperse. Today, I confided in Igor about one of my insecurities and I don’t know, maybe bringing it up took me back to those feelings of sadness and anger.

It always comes back to me feeling worthless, like I’m not enough, like I don’t deserve shit. I feel bad that I don’t feel good about myself and I’m a bit annoyed that these negative viewpoints were allowed to fester and grow. And this is one thing I just haven’t forgiven my ex for. I’ve accepted many things and forgiven more, but this, causing me to dislike myself, I just can’t. I can’t do it. When I think about it I get so angry. I’m angry and I’m hurt. It’s a wound that just won’t heal and it’s all his fault.

Why did I deserve to feel like I was broken, like there was something wrong with me? Why did he allow me to blame myself when it was him! I can’t forgive him. He took away so much from me. He deprived me of myself. And it’s not fair.

I’m not butt hurt over the breakup. It was the right thing for us. I’ve forgiven him all his trespasses and whatnot but because of him, I’ve just never been able to feel like I deserve sexual pleasure. I don’t even want to talk about it. Actually writing it down is pushing me closer to tears by the letter. But there, I said it, I don’t deserve sexual pleasure.

I’d been with him since I was 19 and we broke up a few months before me turning 25. So I’ve only ever known sex with him. But now I realise that what we had was never how it was meant to be. With him I’d never felt wanted. There was always this disconnect and I blamed myself for it. He could never turn me on and as a result I never got wet. I blamed myself for this. I felt like I was sexually broken. I hated that sex wasn’t something that worked for me. And so I cried. Many times I cried. I didn’t deserve sex. I became the giver – I didn’t need him to pleasure me. Even if he tried, I wouldn’t work. I was broken.

We lacked in intimacy. He didn’t know how to want me. And I knew. I always knew. Something wasn’t right here. He could never just open himself to me and that translated to me feeling all types of ways about myself.

Then I found out about his porn addiction and it all made sense. The emotional disconnect. His inability to maintain an erection, which I obviously blamed myself for. Actually, I tried so hard to make sex great for him. I found new ways to make things exciting. All for him! Always for him! All the time for him!! It was never for me. Nothing was ever for me, because I wasn’t deserving was I? Why wasn’t I allowed to just feel wanted? Why couldn’t he just look at me and see the most amazing girl in the world? Why did I have to try so hard while getting nothing back in return? It hurts! I’m hurt.

And he let me blame myself. He knew how I felt about myself and allowed me to think I was broken. I can’t forgive that. It’s horrible! I’m almost 25 and I’ve barely experienced good sex!

I hate blaming him because it takes two, but with this one I can’t shoulder any of the blame. I want to justify it because he’s a very good guy and his actions were not intentional but I can’t let it go because I’m now sexually deficient and I hate it!

And obviously pushing Igor away isn’t the way to go about it. I’m just chafing at the fact that he knows I’m damaged and I want to run away. Heck, he should run away!

Vulnerability is so hard. It’s definitely easier for me to push Igor away than have him perceive me as less than perfect.

At least I’ve been able to identify the problem but perhaps really I’m not cut out for love.

– – – – – Few hours later again – – – – –

It’s these times when you’re in your deepest insecurity that you wish for some familiarity. I just need someone to give me a big hug and tell me it’s ok. That I’m ok.

Fuck Igor. If you’re gonna act like a little bitch after I apologised and bared my fucking soul to you then you can just disappear. My worst crime was saying I wanted to spend less time with him and his smoking bothered me. Fuck you.

Guaranteed I’m going to come back and say we’re back on good terms but fuck him for now. I’m not fucking reconciling. I fucking apologised what more can I do? I’m human and I have insecurities and I will act on those insecurities through fear. I fucking like him and I don’t want to look like a fucking drama queen but that’s basically what I am now. Might as well go full fucking psycho.

Single for life is looking ever more attractive by the fucking second. I need my space anyway so love can just piss off.