Category: Journal

I’ve decided that our infertility is due to a combination of both our subfertility.

Telis‘ sperm plus my short luteal phase is the cause. Fair, people get pregnant all the time with a short luteal phase but they may not be dealing with sperm issues at the same time. Fair, people get pregnant all the time with Telis‘ semen analysis but they may not be dealing with ovulation issues at the same time.

My ovulation is weak, resulting in low progesterone which then leads onto a short luteal phase. The luteal phase probably isn’t an issue on it’s own but with low progesterone then maybe, yeah, it is an issue. Couple my sucky eggs with sperm with 97% abnormal form, maybe they just can’t get together and when they do, maybe my hormones suck too much for implantation.

Just a theory.

Now, I want all the drugs when doing IUI. The drugs will strengthen my eggs and ovulation and Telis‘ sperm will be more concentrated and have less of a distance to swim. If our issues are as (comparatively) “simple” as this, then IUI could work. If I’m completely wrong, then my life is fucked and we’re doing IVF.

Here’s hoping for hormonal issues overcome by drugs!

Although not diagnosed, I could also have PCOS – but I probably don’t. But I’m going to pretend I do so that I have hope of the drugs working. I also want to do a prolactin blood test as I had a cycle with random leaky nipples and I’ve had history of inducing lactation (hehe.)

Ok bye.

Ugh. I’m back. Just read that high levels of prolactin prevents ovulation but I OVULATE!! Grr!

I take it back,

“prolactin levels may not be high enough to prevent ovulation but could affect the production of the progesterone hormone which is responsible for the thickening of the uterus walls after ovulation.”

Yeah, I’m doing that test.

Help.

* * *

Maybe it’s time to finish what I started and jump into that river.

Still infertile.

9DPO so about two days away from disappointment. I can’t wait!

My mother called me up some time this cycle that God and her spirit were tell her something and that she needed confirmation before talking to me about it.

She said that there was something in my home that was delaying things for us. Something like an idol, made in the image of someone or some god. That in the Bible, it said we should not have idols and whatever it is, we need to he rid of it. Unfortunately, that basically meant all of Telis‘ Telisian statues and vases of gods and philosophers as well as a model of Chinese dragon dancers that our friend’s gave us. Telis was not happy that he’d have to basically remove his culture from our home but we decided the best thing to do would be to give them all away as gifts.

Luckily, the genius that I am, remembered that our friend had a storage unit that we had access to and so instead of getting rid of everything, we’ve stored them away.

I’m not superstitious and as much as I believe in the universe and bad energy, I wouldn’t say I believe that there are demons residing in objects cursing people, however, at this point, I’m willing to try anything. I don’t feel spiritually lighter or less possessed but if it helps my mother sleep at night and helps me get pregnant, then why not?

I’ve also prayed. I found a good infertility prayer and spoke it out loud yesterday. It was really powerful but I feel left behind by God and/or the universe so I feel like it was said in vain but I need to believe!

I also turned a year older last week. 29!!

To think I’m still battling for a baby when I got married at 27. Anyway, for my birthday, Telis and I went away for a road trip around Deraland (where I did all the driving) and met up with siblings, cousins and friends who were at each city that we stayed at. It was nice but I’m glad to be back home with my stalker kitty.

I bought myself a new vibrator and my God is it strong! The day that I ovulated, I orgasmed twice then had sex. Once Telis finished, I played with myself, orgasmed again and squirted!! I thought I wet myself!! It wasn’t explosive, it just kind of dribbled down me but I was shocked! But yeah, I orgasm now! Haha!

Once upon a time, reaching climax was the bane of my sexual experience but I’ve really come a long way. I’m still learning what works for me but I’m glad I’m not broken and can orgasm within minutes as well as squirt!! Who woulda thunk it! Dera the sexual being hehe!

Now to orgasm while having penetrative sex – I will achieve it!

I’ve been really craving spicy food so I’m going to cook today some rice and spicy chicken. Yum!

I wish there was more to say about my infertility but it’s the same as every luteal phase so there’s nothing to report. Just (im)patiently waiting for IVF now.

Period started!

Gosh! That was the most painful pre-period experience ever.

I know I’m going to be sad.

Ugh…!

My period is late. Instead, all I have is pain, pain and more pain. I’ve had some serious stabby, sharp pain in my lower left abdomen since about 7 days post ovulation (DPO). These last two days though, it has really upped the ante! Fucking excruciating.

Period should have arrived yesterday (11DPO) if it wanted to be predictable or today, if it wanted to be a little bit wild but so far, only a little bit of spotting this morning and nothing since.

I know it is 100% coming though as my temperature has dropped for two days in a row, so it’s not a case of me being pregnant – that I will not be – it’s just my body being annoying. Plus, I’ve been cramping like I should be gushing red right now! It really does feel like the blood is trying to force its way out of me but my body is reluctantly stopping it.

I’m currently using 80mg of progesterone cream per day but I don’t think that’s enough to stop my period as last time, I was on the pessaries, which were 400mg, and I still managed to spot and then my period started the next day. So, I suppose tomorrow, 13DPO, is D-Day! Or perhaps I got my ovulation day wrong and my period will be somewhat on time.

If it doesn’t start tomorrow then I’ll be shocked! But I still will not take a pregnancy test because I still will not be pregnant!

Ok, so I could take a pregnancy test and confirm what I already know, but I think I really would prefer the surprise of a missed period, although this one won’t be missed, just unfashionably late.

I feel hopeless, for real.

Right now, about 7:20pm, all pain has stopped, and I think that is a precursor to my period starting as I don’t usually cramp while I’m bleeding. I’m going to go check in the bathroom now.

So, if I look closely, I can see a very small amount of light brown spotting on the tissue but nothing more and no period so far. The night is still young so it could make an appearance in the next few hours! In the meantime, I’ll continue taking progesterone until I don’t need to anymore.

So annoying. I know I say I want answers and I could easily do the one thing that’ll give them to me, but I really can’t face the disappointment, but then again, maybe the disappointment will make it easier for me to sleep tonight. Whenever my period is due, the apprehension makes me struggle to sleep and I end up waking up really early. I’ve done so these past few days but if I know what to expect for tomorrow then maybe sleep will be much better tonight.

Grr! My body just needs to hurry up and do its thing!

I guess I’ve been left too long with my thoughts because I feel teary.

Period is due in two days and I know it’s coming. I just don’t want it to.

I hate this. I hate what trying for a family has become – so much for it being something magical. I’m just filled with dread. Another month to not look forward to.

I just want to cry. Cry for the blood that’s due to spill. I feel like just taking a pregnancy test to expedite the heartbreak.

It’s my birthday month too. I can’t be spending the last year of my 20s in sadness. Next year I’ll be 30 still chasing after something that doesn’t want me. Last year, I started this journey, I was hoping it would be finished by this year.

How do I fucking make this baby? What do I need to do? How does everyone else do it? Am I missing something? Did I do something wrong? I think maybe I should stop trying. I can’t do IVF. I don’t want to do it. I really don’t.

It’s me again! Gosh, I shouldn’t make a habit out of this, should I?

Kidding! My journal, my rules.

I was sad today. I just don’t even know what I’m fighting for. What is the point in all of this. Something soul destroying and debilitating. Why am I doing this? And then once you’re pregnant, it doesn’t stop there. The fear, the anxiety, the non-stop worry. What is the point?

I can’t believe how something that is meant to be joyous and full of excitement has been ripped, stripped and flipped into something I want no part of.

I need to shower. But I don’t want to get out of bed. I’m looking for documentaries or movies about infertility so I can really bury deep into my sorrows and watch back the horror of what my life is, or at least a semblance of it. I just want to be sad. Be consumed in my infertility and think about nothing else. I want to drown in it and have it wrap it’s cold fingers around my throat until I can’t breathe because it fucking hurts so much. Pull out my hair and bind my wrists, my ankles, so that I can’t escape. Watch the nightmare unfold around me with fear in my eyes but not look away. I want to feel it all and know that it’s because I probably deserve it.

I can’t hide from it. Or ignore it. I can’t even pretend it isn’t there because I’m reminded of it every time my ovaries wail or my lining sheds. So I’ll let it take me. I’ll fall into it and I’ll live my pain with every unshared beat of my heart. I’ll cry because I can and I won’t even care because my tears deserve better. To be rid of a body that’s toxic in nature and damaging and damaged, yeah, they deserve better.

If this is my lot in life then so be it. Let’s get this pity party started.

Infertiles unite!

Yeah, we did the thing, it didn’t happen and now I’m just sat here trying to figure out what actually is my life. I feel like I switch between despair and nonchalance.

I’m just going through forums and reading threads and posts from women on cycle number three completely distraught that it hasn’t happened yet. I suppose three months trying to conceive seeming like a long time really puts into perspective how long we’ve been trying.

Cycle 15. Lol. Well, at this point… at this point, I don’t even know what I want to say…

I feel like I don’t care. If it does happen I probably won’t even be happy, or excited. There’s just no joy in the process anymore. I don’t even know what I’m aiming for. Pregnancy? Is there such a thing? Isn’t that something that happens to other people and not me?

A pregnant Dera. Ha! And pigs can fly.

I guess it’s just one of those days where I’m trying to comprehend but not entirely sure exactly what I’m trying to comprehend. Like I’m trying to looking into the future and maybe think of how I can make it happen without knowing what I actually need to do.

Then I try to see signs in the universe. like oh, my favourite number is 26, so it’ll probably happen on cycle 26. Or, oh, I’ve just seen three identical trees together, I’ll probably be having triplets. The universe sucks. Once upon a time it didn’t, but now it does.

I’m also hiding. I don’t want to be asked about why I’m not pregnant yet. I’d like to be. It just hasn’t happened. But then I ask myself, do I really want to be or am I projecting societal expectations onto myself? Maybe being childless is something that was destined for me. Maybe I’d be so miserable with children that the universe is saving me with a lesser form of misery.

I’d probably look at the child that was sought after for so long and not even want it. All the stress and heartache I’ve been through to be left with a child I don’t want.

So, there’s no longer any point in testing. Sometimes I can get a little hopeful, but deep down I know my period will inevitably arrive so I don’t test anymore. My period arriving is a familiar comfort to the harshness of a negative pregnancy test. It sucks, but it’s mine. It’s what I know. All I know actually. So I’d rather it start so I can kick myself into autopilot and do what needs to be done to contain the remnants of my empty womb. Plus, once it starts, you know it’s over. There’s still a layer of hope attached to a negative test because maybe it’s still too early. But my period – that shit is final.

I’ve started referring to myself as infertile. I’ve taken the title and accepted it as I have the colour of my eyes. I’m infertile. Or rather, Telis and I are infertile. We’re the infertiles. Just casually being our infertile selves every infertile day. It’s cool. Like, I can’t have a child because I’m infertile. It doesn’t even hurt. At least right now it doesn’t. It just feels factual. Not much emotion behind it, I suppose. Infertile. Not surprised to be honest. Every woman has that fear but I’m not surprised it’s my reality. And a thought just popped into my head – why? Why am I not surprised?

What do I know that I’m not telling myself? How did I know?

I don’t know.

I have a cat. She’s amazing. Maybe I’ll just have more of her.

I’m restless. Anxious. I want the future to be here. I want to know. I want to pull out my hair. Get off this ride. I don’t want to spiral into darkness. I can’t.

We’re being referred for IVF in January. I don’t believe it’ll work for us. There’s something about childlessness that’s screaming inside my head. Like that’s what life is gearing me up for. My empty belly, forever empty. Will I be able to live with it? Will I jump in front of a bus? Guess we’ll just have to see.

Welcome to Chapter Infertility.

Hello, hello, hello!

Just here to sort through my thoughts and my hypothesises!

On Thursday, I had a (fucking painful) HyFoSy procedure to check if my fallopian tubes were open. Well, the right side tube was, however, on the left side, the fluid was a bit slow passing through. They eventually managed to get spillage out the other end of the left tube and unblocked it, great news! Well, I wasn’t too pleased when they told me my tubes were open because that still didn’t explain why we couldn’t get pregnant.

But actually, thinking about it, what if my tubes had been blocked all this time and that’s why we couldn’t get pregnant?

Ok, so my right tube was open, so there should have been many opportunities from that side, considering I’ve hyperovulated a few times too. So now I’m running on the assumption that my right tube was probably somewhat blocked up too but whatever debris was in there was quicker to dislodge than my left side.

Now, I don’t want to be a negative Nancy but before we started trying to conceive, I just knew in my gut something was wrong. And that’s not me wishing bad on myself. It’s just how I felt, and my worst fears were realised. We didn’t get pregnant, at all. Not even a little bit.

Maybe a chemical pregnancy here, or a miscarriage there (not that that’s any better than not being able to get pregnant, in fact, it’s probably a whole lot worse) would show me that egg and sperm were meeting and something was happening, but I genuinely suspect that egg and sperm have never actually met and if they have, then implantation is failing somehow, but even with failed implantation, a positive pregnancy test is possible sometimes, even if it leads to a chemical pregnancy – same with low progesterone, which I suspect I have.

So, anyway, egg and sperm have probably never met and that can be down to two main things, blocked fallopian tubes, where the rendezvous occurs, or sperm issues – either the sperm can’t swim, there isn’t many of them or they can’t penetrate the egg. Telis’ most recent semen analysis was great! He had 120 million sperm total and I think about 25 million per ml. His motility percentage was somewhere in the 70s however, his morphology was at 3%, but, since the minimum acceptable value for morphology is 4% and he was at 4% in a prior semen analysis, I’m not too worried. His sperm can swim fast and he has good numbers.

So, about my gut feeling.

Have my fallopian tubes been the reason we can’t get pregnant? Were they blocked? Have they now been unblocked? If so, will we be able to conceive a child? I daren’t say it out of fear, but I believe so. I don’t know, I just feel like this is it. This was the reason and now it’s been fixed.

I know there’s a risk of me getting my hopes up and still not ending up pregnant, but I worry about unexplained fertility. Right now, I feel like we have somewhat of an explanation. I think I’d feel more hopeless if my tubes were perfectly open during the HyFoSy and the liquid just shot through, because the issue then wouldn’t be tubal and would probably stray into the realms of unexplained infertility.

I no longer feel infertile but maybe that’s just hope or wishful thinking speaking. I wish this cycle would just end already so that we could start trying again! Onto the 14th cycle of trying to conceive a child, let’s make it happen! I’m ready.

I don’t know. Is the universe trying to teach me a lesson? I just feel like I must have done something wrong and so need to be taught a lesson. Something seemingly easy as flushing your tubes? Or am I being taunted? I let go of control over my life and my future so long ago. I know things don’t work out as planned, and I learned that the hard way. Or perhaps it just wasn’t the right time for me? I mean, can the universe see something in my future that I can’t? As I don’t understand what would be the difference between me conceiving six months ago and now. I don’t know, I just want this baby.

This has to be it, I can’t think of anything else that can be wrong with me. Please let this be it, I’m begging.