Category: Journal

I told you I wouldn’t leave it too late before updating my journal. Currently hyped up on Burna Boy but at the same time feel so sleepy.

I did a presentation at work. I took the lazy way out and read the notes word for word because why not? Either way, it went well. I have two more presentations to give over the next week and then I’m free. To be honest, I knew what the role was before accepting it, and I do love speaking to people and presenting, so this is exactly what I want from a job but sometimes I just can’t be bothered.

I invited my boss and his wife round for dinner. I told him I appreciated him as a boss as I’ve had shitty bosses in the past and Telis and I would love to host him and his wife. It’s good to have your boss on side because everything in life hinges on interpersonal relationships. Muwahaha. So just waiting for a date to have them over.

Ok, now that I have all the boring bits out of the way, let’s get to what I really want to talk about!

Telis and I had baby making sex! Because of my inane fear of infertility from never being accidentally pregnant, I managed to convince him to finish inside of me ONCE around ovulation time. So, yeah. We could be pregnant. That being said, I had my cervical screening the day we tried for a baby and since then, or maybe since ovulation, I’ve been cramping. It feels like ovulation pain where you get those one sided twinges. I don’t want to read anything into it because I’ve had pregnancy scares where I’ve read into everything single symptom and had my period arrive like it had no intention of going anywhere.

But, but, but! I was also extremely dizzy today! It was weird. I was preparing for my presentation and all the talking I was doing got me really dizzy.

*Now listening to Burna Boy – 23*

Just taking a quick peek of my last entry to see what I said about pregnancy. Actually scrap that. I remember that I’ve written on many occasions that I’ve never managed an orgasm and then I went online counselling to fix shit and well…

I think my orgasm style is very mini waves that are continuous. I’ve never had the big explosions that you see in the media only quick little bursts that make me convulse (I’m talking as if I’ve had many. No. This is a recent occurrence, like the last three months or so). And I feel like I have orgasmed because I always go deaf! I don’t think sex alone would make you go deaf. I go deaf. Like I properly can’t hear much and then I get a bit of tinnitus with proper ringing in my ears. So me saying that I’ll marry the man who gives me my first orgasm – guys, it was me. I gave me my first orgasm, with my vibrator! But my husband helps of course. Our baby making sex was intense and the non-baby making sex we had the day after *chefs kiss*.

Yeah, so that’s the news. Maybe we’ll get pregnant with one attempt. We had baby making sex only once but you know what they say; it only takes one time. So, fingers crossed!

I’m just worried about the whole house buying process. I think we’ll have to take a break for a few months, so maybe baby will end up coming before house, I don’t know but we’ll figure it out.

I can’t wait to have a kid!! The only thing is if we don’t end up pregnant this month, we probably won’t try until March next year. But I’m more excited than I thought I’d be so maybe I can convince Telis to have us start trying properly this month. But at this point it is baby or house and March seems like a good time to start house searching again and thinking about conceiving.

We haven’t told anyone we tried conceiving this menstrual cycle. As far as anyone knows, we’re not interested in having kids right now and when we’re ready we’ll start. If we do end up pregnant, we won’t tell anyone until about three or four months in.

Ok dreams. I don’t dream, but when I do, I try to record them. Last night’s/this morning’s(?) was weird, not that dreams ever make sense. I titled it Trains and Cars.

At the train station in Capital City (?) trying to get back to [where I live]. Met a girl. All services to [where I live] were cancelled and I didn’t know which trains to take. Also found [old school friend] who was coming back to [where I live] with me as we had an event at 8pm. The time was 7:58pm or something so I asked her if we should get a taxi? She said no, getting the bus should be fine. Google maps said take bus 88 (?). We walked through the train and I gave my number to the boy and girl who I had met earlier and who were sat next to each other. The next day, the girl texted me, her name was already saved as “lovely [name]”. In the morning, I witnessed a man trying to steal a car. The first car, the door was unlocked and I was shouting at him that I could see him. Then that car disappeared and he moved onto the Ferrari, whilst I kept shouting at him.
There was a strange board game that I was playing and for those who were on maternity leave, they had to use an umbrella to hold their place out in the game. There were random faces playing with me and something about an electric toothbrush – I think one toothbrush head ended up getting stuck in another toothbrush.
I went outside to confront the car thief.

Trains and Cars – a Dream

Yeah, makes no sense. What stands out to me is the number 8 appears quite a few times. I wish I could remember the finer details but that was the most I could remember when I awoke. I don’t even want to try and decipher it because it probably means nothing.

Ok, that’s it. I guess the next time a write I’ll either be pregnant or not. Let’s see!

Before I start with my brain dump, I must try to remember all the alias’/pseudonyms used for people who are/were in my life.

I know, I know, it has been months, about nine, and it goes without saying that a lot has happened. Not just to me personally but pretty much to every single person in the fucking world.

What even the fuck has 2020 been. I don’t even get how this whole year can be such a hot damn mess!

Ok, so, I got married. Just before the country went into lockdown! A week later and I WOULD NOT have been able to get married. The day itself saw a good number of people not turn up because of this pandemic, and my lovely husband had a lot of friends and family members who just didn’t want to risk their health by flying down. It was sad but we must count out blessings where we can because the fact of the matter is, 1) we were able to get married and 2) nobody died.

YES, nobody died, because apart from the virus ravaging lungs and killing people, my makeup artist decided driving into a tree and totalling her car was how she wanted to start my day! When I say my wedding day was stressFULL, best believe it’s not an over-exaggeration. Thank God she wasn’t hurt and I’m so grateful to her for showing up for me despite the horrible accident she experienced – I literally had to get in my car to pick up her assistants while she waited to get her car sorted.

I feel like if I really sat down to think about my wedding day, I’d be really upset and annoyed and so I don’t really give it much thought, other than to be grateful it’s over and I never have to do it again. The best part, for me, was the ceremony; having Sana sing as I walked down the aisle with Gah on the guitar. It was beautiful. And then seeing Telis at the alter after such a disastrous morning – making him wait two more hours because I was running late because… life. Having to move the welcome drinks to before the ceremony, and changing the time of the ceremony last minute to the time we initially wanted but was convinced to make earlier and having to rush to get nine bridesmaids ready (it was actually less than that because Winter got kicked out of the bridal party and another bridesmaid, Ria, didn’t show up because she thought she had COVID) and everything just being a mess and I’m going off and this really isn’t a road I want to go down because, like I said, I would get really annoyed so let me stop.

I think I’d have to properly dedicate a day to just write down my thoughts and feelings about my wedding because man…

Fast forward to lockdown, which featured some amazing, sunny and warm afternoons/evenings with our neighbours and our friend Bert, who became part of our lockdown group, many of them a drunken night with drunken behaviours and drunken activities. Again, so much has happened that the only way I can summarise is to introduce my neighbours, India and Axel, and basically state how close we’ve gotten and how good friends we are now.

Awesome. So that’s pretty much everything. Generally, I’m good, happy, alive, healthy, nothing to report other than life is fine. I’m still working, I’m still driving and I’m still in a relationship (well a marriage now).

Ok, why am I here? I am mentally fatigued. I am tired, my mind cannot take anymore and I feel restless because I need answers but don’t have a crystal ball so I can’t do anything other than nothing but I can’t not do nothing because I’m me so I do something and then it exhausts me doing all this something, only to hit a brick wall of nothingness and I don’t know what to do!

Telis and I want to buy a house. We reckon there’s going to be a market crash but at the same time there’s no certainty that that would happen because the government is doing everything it can to stop the market from declining. So, I’ve been doing all this research to figure out what is the best move for us – getting on the property ladder ASAP or waiting it out to see what happens to the economy. See, right now, there’s a mini-boom; people are going crazy buying property due to pent-up demand from lockdown, cool. But there’s no sign of things slowing down and I don’t want us to miss out on this crazy period of activity.

At the same time, there are a lot of redundancies that are pending and with that may bring disaster to the economy as a whole, including the property market, with people not being able to keep up repayments and defaulting on mortgages. I have learnt very recently that I am a perfectionist who needs to be in control of her life. I hate uncertainty, I hate not being able to plan with concrete information. I hate leaving things to the whim of the universe. Not being able to predict whether the market will crash is doing my head in and it’s driving me crazy because I’m constantly doing research and reading forums and seeing if people on social media are reporting redundancies and constantly checking if house prices are falling, just to get an idea of where things are. And now I’m mentally fatigued but I can’t stop because I’m a fucking perfectionist – to my detriment. Help.

And I never know how to stop. I am a woman on a mission and if I set my mind to something, it’s very difficult for me to see reason. Example: I pierced the conch of my ear by myself. It wasn’t pierced straight. I was like fuck it, whatever, it’s cool. But actually, it wasn’t. It irked me. It wasn’t perfect, it looked bent to me and I didn’t like it. But I told myself to leave it because I could really end up hurting myself if I tried to do it again. But perfectionist. I couldn’t let myself be. I felt urges to fix it, correct it. I had to. My whole existence would not let me rest until it was straight, so I took out the jewellery and put the needle in again. And then again. And then again. Until I was sure it was straight. In that moment, I felt like a prisoner to my perfectionism. I did something potentially dangerous because I couldn’t fight the need for it to be perfect and I hated myself for it. I get obsessive and I think maybe it could be OCD because I don’t know how else to describe it. Something comes over me and I just must.

I did online counselling, not for my perfectionism, but for my inability to enjoy sex. I didn’t do it for long, only a month, but the conclusion was, I was a victim of sexual assault and I was almost raped. Because of that, I’ve tried to retain a level of control over my body and because sex requires vulnerability, which I’m not very good at, I basically can’t allow myself to just let go. To me, there’s safety in control. There’s safety in doing everything myself because I can guarantee that I can get it right for me. I wish I wasn’t like this. Sometimes I feel like a prisoner of my mind. I want to be free and not worry and not be anxious and not need to know the future but I can’t help it.

Now, people around me are getting pregnant and Telis and I have agreed to start trying end of September, which isn’t too far away of course, but I’m terrified that I’ll struggle or that it won’t work for me or that I’ll be broken somehow. I’m so scared to start trying in case I find out something is wrong with me, yet this is something I’ve wanted badly for so long. And with my friends getting pregnant, I’m starting to think maybe I need to get a move on too. There’s a pressure there and I’m not sure where it comes from. Maybe it’s something innate in being a woman – let me do a quick Google. The thing is, I feel this pressure but at the same time I’m terrified. It’s just so many adult decisions to start making, from buying a house, to making a baby, that I’m not ready for, but whatever, come September, we’ll start trying. I really want to be a mother and anxiety shouldn’t stop me from trying. Also, the Google search said that friends tend to get pregnant at the same time because they’re influenced by each other. There ya go. I feel influenced.

Also the pregnant friends are India (my neighbour) and an old friend from uni’s girlfriend – who are supposed to be getting married 1st October but we’ll see about that because of COVID restrictions.

I’ve researched and found that I get 26 weeks of full pay while on maternity leave, which is awesome. I definitely love working at Company A, I’ll be a year there in a few days, which is exciting!

Speaking of friends. I removed, cancelled, deleted, blocked Junior out of my life. Some people are just trash friends. Like completely and utterly. This guy has NEVER showed up for me, not ONCE in our NINE YEARS of friendship. He would NEVER call me unless he needed money and he was just an all round bad friend. But we had good convo and I liked talking to him so I stuck around. But him not showing up to my wedding was the last straw I never knew I had.

CAN YOU IMAGINE. The night, THE NIGHT before my wedding day, my guy TEXTS me ‘sO I hAvE tO bE aT YoUr WeDdInG bY mYseLf NoT kNoWiNg AnYoNe?‘ OMG my blood BOILS. ARE YOU DUMB! WHAT?? It’s the night before my wedding you suddenly remembered you wouldn’t know anyone there. When he had a good NINE MONTHS to ask for a plus one. When he had a good NINE MONTHS to raise his concerns with me, it was the NIGHT BEFORE my wedding that he suddenly remembered that he wouldn’t know anyone there?? WHAT THE FUCK!!! I straight up ignored him, followed by a soft block, because WHAT?? If you don’t want to come at least SAY IT WITH YOUR FUCKING CHEST! No, I don’t have time for fake friends. FUCK YOU and FUCK YOU AGAIN. FUCK FAKE FRIENDS. FUCK BAD FRIENDS. FUCK FRIENDS WHO SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN A FRIEND IN THE FUCKING FIRST PLACE. FUCK FRIENDS WHO SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN A FRIEND FOR SO DAMN LONG. FUCK YOU JUNIOR. I’m pissed and I think it’s warranted because corona would have been a fucking better excuse. Like, your friend is getting married, put your ego aside and show up for them. I don’t get it. I had a friend who showed up alone, bless her, and she celebrated me through it all. I have zero regrets, what I did needed to be done and I’m glad I did because I’m not a fucking mug.

Phew.

I’m not entirely sure what my brain dump was supposed to be. I think I’m just bored. I want to buy a house but don’t know how to proceed and I want to conceive but don’t know how to proceed and I want to grow my business but don’t know how to proceed. I think what I’m feeling is stuck. I need help. I need God to spell out the future to me. I need my uterus to tell me everything is A-OK in there. I need someone to help me do the things I can’t do myself. I don’t know what to do to feel comfortable with the uncertainties of life without being an all-seeing, all-knowing Oracle.

I’m happy but there’s so many unknowns in this life. I must power through. I’ll try and keep up with my journal because there have been some quality moments that definitely would have benefitted from being recorded.

Let’s hope that we make the right decision regarding buying a house and starting a family. I think with Telis, being with him just makes everything in my life fall into place. I shouldn’t be worried, because with him, nothing can go wrong.

Ok, so.

It’s been three months since I’ve written and to say absolutely nothing has happened will be an understatement.

First and foremost, I’m getting married in FOUR MONTHS!! Secondly, my rabbits are FIVE MONTHS old!! And I’ve been working at Company A for THREE MONTHS!!

So much has happened and much has progressed and everything has been for the better. I’m so happy in my little life.

Last month, I was in Telisland for about two weeks and I finally had the chance to meet a lot of Telis‘ extended family; his paternal grandparents, his grandmother’s sister, his dad’s sisters, his mother’s brother, his cousins, his godmother and more of his friends. It was a lot of people but they all welcomed me with open arms and showered me with gifts. It was great!

I also got my engagement ring but drama; although I specifically went to the jeweller to choose the exact ring that I wanted and to also have my finger measured, the guy came out with a ring that was the complete opposite of my specification and too big for me. I’m sure he basically had a ring lying around that he wanted to get rid of and just gave it to me. I’m not happy and so I’m not wearing it. Telis wants to buy me a second engagement ring, and I was all for it, but now I can’t be bothered. I’d rather just wear my plain wedding band after we’re married.

Company A is great! I’m pretty much working from home four out of five days a week and sometimes all week too! I’ve been building my home network and trying to learn about the solution portfolio. Last week, I was given accounts that I will be working with so I can finally get stuck in. I’m excited!

Every major purchase for the wedding has been made. Now it’s just the little things here and there to think of. We’ve only just recently found our cake maker since Sana’s friend that we were going to use decided to charge us an extortionate price. I told her ‘see ya!’ and found a lovely lady on Facebook, whose pricing is amazing! Literally 67% cheaper. We’ve even done a taster of her cake and it’s good!

There’s really isn’t much else to think of, although I’ve been making bridesmaids gifts with my cutting machine. I’ve cut out vinyl names and stuck them on things to make pretty gifts for my girls – I might even turn it into a business since the machine cost me a pretty penny.

Telis and I have been talking and although we’ll be married soon, we won’t start trying for a baby until I’ve been at Company A for over a year – so probably around December 2020. I just want us to buy a house so that our rabbits can live inside, as opposed to outside in the garden. I’d love for my kids and rabbits to grow up together.

In other news, I’m 27 this month. Ew. Telis has some extravagant outing planned for me. We’re driving up north and staying in a fancy spa and doing fancy spa stuff. Fun!

I really should update my journal more, especially when so much good is happening in my life. Imagine the next time I write that I’m a married woman – like someone’s wife. GASP. It’s weird.

I never actually gave a list of my bridesmaids;

1. Elfa (sister)
2. Tas (sister)
3. Sun (cousin)
4. Cameera (cousin)
5. Ese (cousin)
6. Sana (friend)
7. Winter (friend)
8. Daye (friend)
9. Ria (friend)
10. Tessa (Telis’s sister)

So, those are my ten girls.

Drama, drama: So as you know, my dad’s brother is best friends with my biological father. So dad’s brother calls me a few weeks back when I’m in Telisland asking whether I’m going to invite Bioman (my biological person) to my wedding and that letting him know is the respectful thing to do and bla, bla, bla. Needless to say, I let him know that I wasn’t going to speak with Bioman but if he wanted to show up to my wedding, that it wouldn’t make any difference to me but really, I don’t want him there.

I owe him nothing and he has no obligation to be there. He’s not in my life and as far as I’m concerned, he’s a stranger and would you invite a stranger to your wedding? No.

So with all that is said and done, I shall now leave until there’s something to report.

Byeeeeee!

Wow, wow, wow!

Ok, I have rabbits! I adopted two baby rabbits! I am the mother of rabbits. They’ve been with us for about three weeks now and it’s so funny seeing how their personality develops.

I have a white one who is absolutely tiny but packed full of trouble. He is defiant, the biggest diva and so fearless!

Then there’s the grey one. He’s double the size of the white one but a day younger than him. He’s perpetually terrified, very jumpy but so, so happy. I have their names but cannot divulge that information because I have created an Instagram account for them, however it was inspired by mine and Telis‘ love for programming.

So let’s call them Class (the white one) and Method (the grey one).

They’ve been to the vets twice to get their vaccinations and they’re both very healthy! I love them!

Then the new job! It’s going well! I’ve met the team, I’m learning loads and I get to work from home quite often! And guess what! Tank also applied to Company A and is going to be given an offer! Yay! My friend is coming!

Kirby has broken up with his girlfriend and has another girl he’s seeing now – silly boy.

I don’t know what else to update on. A lot has happened but nothing outrageous.

Wedding planning is going…

I’m shopping for a wedding dress on Monday. I’ve been putting it off for a while now because I have no idea what I want and what would suit me. I just need someone to choose it for me so that I can get it out of the way. But I really am looking forward to getting married and being a wife and starting a family!

I’ve been cat-sitting for our neighbours. Nothing major – just going into the house to refill the food and water bowl.

That’s it! Bye!

My last day at Company H has come and gone and I’m out here living my best life until…

Cymric messages me.

Yeah, he messaged me on Monday and I was fucking pissed!

We agreed we’d go our separate ways. Cut ties completely. After what happened, we just couldn’t be friends anymore and then he has the cheek to be all up on my phone like, ‘Hey Dera, I haven’t heard from you like in forever!’ Like excuse me? Like what? Like GTFOH!

About you haven’t heard from me. We said our goodbyes. I wrote you a fucking essay. It’s not like we casually stopped talking just to pick up from where we left off. Motherfucker.

And get this: he’ll be back in the country next year. So now I’m suddenly someone worth knowing. Fuck him. He can’t just reinsert himself into my life after I had my heart broken! Men are trash. Just wait until he finds out I’m getting married. Loser.

That being said, I saw a girl in Jomi’s WhatsApp profile pic. I think it’s his new girlfriend and I’m so happy for him but I’m especially curious! But curious in a way where you’re so close to someone that you’re invested in their lives and you want to know that they’re happy and they’ve found something good. I hope she’s everything he couldn’t find in me. I only ever wish him happiness – he’s a good guy and he deserves it.

My last day at Company H was so uneventful. I only shed a tear when saying goodbye to Tank, but the good news is, he’s applied for a job at Company A and they’re interested in him so we could be colleagues again soon!

Now something sad. On Tuesday, the day I left Company H, one of the security personnel at work passed away. I was hearing from my sources that something was happening outside the company building and there were ambulances and police everywhere. We just thought some poor person was suffering from heat stroke and that they’d be fine, until I was told that they’d passed away. Then I found out it was someone I knew. And my heart broke. And I cried. And that night, I went to bed and I cried some more.

Like, how do you just die?! How do you wake up one morning not knowing that day will be your last? How? He wasn’t old. He wasn’t sick. He wasn’t a bad person. How does that happen to someone? How can you just have the life taken from you like that? No preamble. Nothing. Just gone! How?!

I am so saddened and shocked. May his soul rest in peace.

I’m trying to get back into my hobby. I have a new direction for where I want to take things and I’m really excited about it. Let’s see how it works out.

I’ve been having feelings of being undeserving. My new salary at Company A is crazy and I feel like I negotiated for far too much money even though I’m under qualified. I just feel like a fluke. I know I should believe in my abilities but I just can’t see where I’ve excelled in work that says that what I’m earning is right to be on par with that. And I understand that I wasn’t hired for my technical abilities but it’s still an engineering role and I haven’t been an engineer in a while. Yes, my soft skills are strong and yes, technical knowledge can be learnt but I’m just 26. I’m literally in the top 10% of earners in the country.

Now, couple my salary to Telis‘ and we’re earning hella money. We’ll be ready to put down a deposit on a big house in about two years and we won’t struggle to save up a good amount.

I am highly blessed and ridiculously fortunate and I am happy. My life has just gotten better and better since I’ve been with Telis and now that things have properly settled for me, I can now focus on myself and my interests. Maybe I’ll go back to the gym because my boobs are getting too big and my thighs rub.

I really am skinny fat. How am I able to maintain the same clothes size for years, still have a flat stomach, still wear crop tops and short shorts and yet still be so fucking fat. It makes no sense. Anyone who sees me will think I”m small but underneath my skin is layer upon layer of fat. God help me. I really don’t like what I see in the mirror.

Drama drama with Kirby and his new girlfriend. My God.

So I had a BBQ some weekends ago and Kirby and his girlfriend attends. All is well and good and everyone has fun and then they all go their separate ways. A few days later, I have Kirby’s girlfriend messaging me on Messenger. Apparently, during the BBQ, she noticed Kirby continuously looking me up and down whenever I walked by and they had an argument about it. Cool. Then apparently Kirby kept making comments, comparing her to me. Cool. And she wanted to know from me if Kirby had ever expressed any feelings towards me because if he had, she was going to walk away. Cool.

Long story short, I reassured her that he had never explicitly said he liked me and that I think it was more about Kirbys perception of my life and how that made him feel about his own. I explained that I’m one of his only friends and that he probably sees me as an anchor because I was there during a very difficult period of his life. I told her if she’s hurting that she should leave him but she’s not going to because she likes him. The end.

Poor chica. I did ask Kirby about how things were going with him and his girlfriend and he told me about the incident, so at least he was honest about it. The only thing he didn’t mention was that the girl he was checking out was me. Ha! But I knew!

It’s 2am, so I should get some sleep. I don’t want to get into the habit where I sleep too late because I’m on a break from work.

See ya!

I did it.

I quit my job.

Finally.

I

AM

FREE!!!

It’s been a long time coming but I’ve finally done it. I’m just perplexed as to why I didn’t feel happy or sad about it. I guess it’s too early to really feel anything. I’ll wait until my last week to see how I feel.

I did it on Tuesday. I walked into a meeting room where my boss and the lady from HR were with letter in hand and they pretty much deduced what I was coming in the for. The first thing my boss said was, “Just as you were getting really good.” Err, thanks?

Talk about leaving it to when I’m leaving to update me on my performance. Well fuck him and fuck them. I cannot and will not even.

Now I’m just counting down the days: there are 3 weekends between today and my last day, the 23rd July, which means my work days are numbered. 13 days to be precise.

I turned down Company V and I feel so terrible. The guy who interviewed me sounded so disappointed on the phone. My poor little heart deflated. I don’t know why I feel particularly sad about it, they’ve rejected me at least 5 times in the past but whatever.

I’ve been trying to decide on my new job title: Technical Consultant or Solution Architect. I want to go with Solution Architect – it sounds better and more important. My official job role, however, is as a Pre-Sales Technical Consultant but architect/consultant, same difference.

It’s been a good 3.5 years to be honest. I’ve grown a lot and I’m very ready for this next chapter of my life. With this increase in salary, I should be able to pretty much do anything I want with very little financial hindrance. Telis and I are in an amazing place, considering I’m only 26 and he’s 30. We’re blessed and I’m thankful.

I have 12 days between leaving Company H and starting at Company A. Ideally, I would travel but I don’t know where to go and who to go with. Maybe I’ll do some solo travelling around the country. Take myself on a road trip. Haha, I’m such a loner and Telis can’t take time off work either. Boo.

I’m happy. I feel like I’m in a good and fortunate position and it’s really made me think about giving back. Not like donating to charity, not that I can trust NGOs anyway, but more like changing someone’s life – doing something big. Adopting a kid or something. I don’t know, but my spirit is calling me to do something and I don’t know what it is. It’s just this niggling feeling, like a gut reaction but not. Anyway, I’ll meditate and try and tune into my inner psyche to see what it’s saying.

Actually, there has been a lot of stories on Twitter of assault and abuse in Fridaria and each and every story breaks my heart. Just thinking about the little children who suffer at the hands of adults. I just want to throw away the whole country because a lot of this abuse is done in the name of religion and it boils my blood. The ignorance and the stupidity. Christianity is now a cover for the terrible things people do and it sickens me to the point that I can’t get behind religion. I can’t.

Especially Africans. I hate it. They carry religion on such a high pedestal that they’re blinded to their own backwardness. In fact, throw the whole continent away. Anyone stupid enough to condone evilness and use religion as a way to justify it can just disappear. I’m annoyed and disappointed and I’m sad. I know these are my people and I want to just shake them – make them wake up but how? How to educate a whole nation? All I want to do is shield the vulnerable from it. Protect them from the church – the very place that should be protecting them.

Disgusting.

That’s where this need has been coming from – to do something bigger. Wipe out whole nation and rebuild it from scratch, but who has that power? I’ll see what I can do and best believe it will happen.

Fridaria will feel the wrath of Dera. Mark my words.

Now that the hype has died down slightly, I can finally post a journal entry.

So, Friday morning, I email the hiring manager of Company A asking him if we can discuss the proposed package because I want to put all my cards on the table sooner rather than later so as not to disturb the HR process.

Completely mutually exclusive to the aforementioned event, the lady from HR then calls me to confirm my offer and progress with sending out a written offer. The salary she tells me is a little lower than what the hiring manager discussed with me last week and I tell her that I want to negotiate the package further because I have an offer at another company and they’re currently offering me 21% more base salary than Company A.

I feel like she’s a little taken aback and tells me that she’ll relay my request to the hiring manager. I tell her to iterate to him how I’m really excited to work for the company, that they’re my first choice and if a higher salary isn’t possible then I’ll be willing to compromise for regular salary reviews.

The hiring manager still hasn’t responded to my email and I’m getting really nervous that I’ve fucked shit up and they’ll see me as ungrateful and greedy. I’m literally so worried and properly shitting myself. I’m on the phone to Telis stressing and he’s telling me that he supports me and that I did what I felt was right for me and it’s all part of the learning process.

Until…

The hiring manger responds! He says we can have a quick chat either before or after his meetings. With 15 minutes until his first meeting I put the phone down to Telis and respond right away saying I can have the conversation now if he is free. Yes, I am fucking eager! This is my dream!

Well, the conversation happens. I tell him I have another company thats offering x amount, but they’re my first choice, etc, etc. He says that it’s good I want to negotiate and explains to me that the salary they offered is within the grade that they have placed me in but he happens to have a meeting later on in the day about the recruitment process in general and would like to get other opinions regarding my situation.

So come a few hours later, he’s had his meeting and he phones me back.

I wasn’t sure what I was expecting. Perhaps a small 10% increase on their original offer, perhaps nothing. But he goes into a long speech, explaining things here and there and then he starts telling me numbers.

Ok, listen…

My base salary will match what the other company is offering and then some. On top of that, I’ll get the usual commission, which will bring my overall salary + commission package to 62% more than what I am currently earning. At this point I’m trying not to scream. Let’s chill.

Now, considering this will also be in addition to a car allowance and money for health/car insurance my complete cash package is worth 80% more than I am on right now.

I cannot even comprehend what happened. I went in there thinking I’d be ok with a 10% base salary increase and I come out almost doubling my earnings. I can’t fucking believe it.

Anyway, the hiring manager tells me that they’ve had to increase my grade so that I could be offered that salary and that means it comes with more responsibility. They want me to lead the apprenticeship programme at the company, which I’ll be more than happy to do anyway.

I’m just shocked. During the conversation, I was sending shocked-face emojis to Telis and he was worried that the offer had been withdrawn. To be honest, he didn’t want me to negotiate, he just wanted me to get into the company and work hard to prove that I deserved a raise. But I’m different to him and I do take risks, and this particular risk paid off.

This starting salary has set me up for life. I can only go up from there. If I had accepted the initial lower salary, it may have taken me five years to get to my new offer. I am just so grateful to God. I cannot deal.

I called everyone and told them my good news. My mother was so happy. Telis was ecstatic. Sana was pleased for me. It’s just been good news all around. My mother said that mine and Telis‘ union is truly blessed, that it was when he got with me that he got his raise and when I got with him that I got this new position.

I told him we are written in the stars.

Together, Telis and I are pretty much unstoppable. He got a raise at work and he’s earning hella money. Even more than me. Within a year or so we’d have enough money for a deposit on a big house. It will take us literally one months worth of savings to pay off our wedding photographer, three months to pay off the venue and two months for me to pay for my ten bridesmaids makeup, bouquet and accommodation.

I am grateful.

But all this money comes with a lot of responsibility and I’m still wondering how this happened for me. I feel so inexperienced and I’m not understanding how they looked at my resume and thought that I matched the job description in any way. It must be a glitch in the matrix 🤷🏾‍♀️

My way of living isn’t going to change. I’ll increase my monthly allowance slightly, but at least half of my new salary will go into savings. The thought of spending large amounts of money monthly sits very uncomfortably with me and savings is the only thing that soothes that. I am a stickler for savings.

A new chapter of my life is about to begin. I am so excited to be a young, black, female Solutions Architect at this wonderful company but do you know what trumps that excitement? Handing in my fucking notice! I’ve dreamt of this day for so long.

The pettiness in me wants to do it first thing on Monday morning and ruin everyone’s day. The diplomat in me will probably wait until the end of the day instead. It’s still all dependant on receiving and accepting the written offer. If it doesn’t come on Monday, then I’ll wait until it does. I’m sure all my references will check out. There’s plenty of evidence on the WWW that I am who I say I am, that I work where I say I work and I’ve studied what I said I’ve studied. Within the next month, I should be a full time employee of Company A.

I just cannot wait to change my LinkedIn experience section to working at Company A as a Network Solutions Architect. Just to rub it into the faces of all those companies that rejected me or dared to offer me less money than I’m worth. Remember Company CS? They offered me an entry level sales role with less salary than I am on now and promised me progression into a sales engineering role within a year. If I had accepted, there is no way I would be earning close to what Company A is offering any time in the next ten years. The way things have just worked out is crazy.

I felt so shit and unhireable. Nobody wanted me and it sucked. And now here I am. Joining a global company that really wants to give me that opportunity and they’re willing to put in the money to prove it. Yes, it’s a risk for them, but sometimes you have to take chances, and I’m ready to prove to them that they made the right choice to hire this grossly under qualified girl and I’ll thrive while I do it.

PEACE.

Let me take a step back. I had another interview on the same day that I had an interview with Company A. This company is called Company E. Anyway, Company E’s head of pre-sales is calling me later on this morning and I think he’ll offer me the position!

And, and, and,

On Monday, I had my interview with Company V. At first when I was speaking with the HR woman on Tuesday, I thought I was being given an offer and I was telling everyone I have two offers but then she sent me an email with the words “if successful” and I was like, huh, so it wasn’t an offer. But it probably will be and then I’ll have potentially two more offers and leverage to increase my salary with Company A!

It’s funny how all of this has been working out. I’ve been searching for months and months and then the last three interviews I do result in offers. Life just works itself out eventually when the time and opportunity is right.

My interview at Company V was crazy. They knew I had an offer with Company A because I told the HR lady and my interviewers were properly on the defensive. They were pretty much saying ‘Anything Company A can do, we can do it better. Company A can do this? Ha, well not only can we do it, we can surpass it, we can give you the world; we are the best in the universe!’ Ok, I over exaggerate but it came across like that. They pretty much asked me why Company A and not them and I was sitting there thinking, ‘but you haven’t even offered me anything’. I felt like I was in the middle of a tug-of-war. Crazy…

But it’s good for me. It means that I can use their offer to negotiate better with Company A although I still want them to see me for the talent and skills that I bring to the table. I’m still waiting for my written offer from them but I did hear from their HR on Tuesday so at least things are moving internally.

I’m just itching to hand in my notice from this place. I am so ready to go. But it’s smart to wait for the written offer before I do anything and maybe even waiting for passed references and a signed contract. I don’t want to risk it.

I’m in such a good place and I’m really excited for my future. Telis and I will be raking it in financially and we’ll be in an amazing position to buy a house when the time comes. We can even afford our wedding now.

Let’s not even talk about the wedding. My family are going crazy with the planning. Literally, on Saturday my mother gave me shoe and a bag she bought me impromptu (because I said they were nice) and hoards of jewellery and accessories. She’s so excited. I am too!

Everything is falling into place. I’ve even asked for help for Marketplace. I can’t do the marketing. I am limited in time, knowledge and headspace and I need someone with experience in that area to give me some assistance. I really can’t do everything and it sucks!

But one step at a time. First a new job, and then once that is out of the way, I can bring Marketplace back into focus while simultaneously planning a wedding (and potentially studying for new qualifications and hosting meetups). Ha!

Life’s great! Wedding planning is great! I’ve managed to get things as cheap as I can. We’re using a popular photographer on our big day, I managed to get him to throw in a pre-wedding photo shoot for free and extend how much time he spends taking pictures at the wedding (from 10 hours to 12) and on top of that I got a discount. So now he sits nicely within our budget. I’m still searching for a videographer but I just haven’t had any time to enquire.

Even with the venue I managed to knock 35% off the price, while they were already offering tables, chairs, table cloths, glassware, corkage (!), bar staff and a honeymoon suite. And then on top of that, because I couldn’t get the price lower I asked them to throw in the chapel room (where we’ll say ‘I do’), napkins and table number stands and they did!

When it comes to negotiating you just have to be cheeky. Napkins are so expensive to hire, I’m glad that’s a cost we no longer have to consider.

I need to start looking at wedding dresses. I don’t know what I want. Nothing catches my eye. It’s annoying.

Anyway, I must dash, I’m expecting a phone call from Company E in 30 minutes. Fingers crossed!

P.S. an old friend came to visit me last night but that’s a story for later.

I got a job offer! What I can’t believe is 1) it is from a global company; Company A and 2) it is for exactly the role that I want to do; solutions architect/sales engineer.

I’m shocked, I can’t sleep because I’m just so excited! I’m going to be on an OTE based salary now because I’m properly entering into the world of sales, but my salary will be a nice uplift to what I’m currently on, plus I get a company car or a car allowance, whichever one I choose, probably the car allowance.

Telis has also gotten a huge salary increase so at this point we’re both doing pretty well. Ok, very well. Our combined salary is crazy, considering we’re both 30 and under.

I think having two global companies on my resume will be very advantageous for my future. As shit as working at Company H is, and I can’t wait to fucking leave, it is known worldwide and is one of the biggest, if not the biggest, in its industry. At least one good thing has come from working there.

I can just see me handing in my notice, trying not to smile but beaming nonetheless. That motherfucker who I call my boss can kiss my arse. I did what I set out to do and I am leaving that hell hole. Granted, I will wait until I sign the contract before I hand in my notice but my days are literally numbered and that’s enough to keep me euphoric.

I do have an interview on Monday with another company, Company V. It too is a huge company and they’d probably pay me well also. I’ll go for it and see what comes of it.

To be honest, this week has been crazy, I had two interview on Tuesday, one for Company A and the other for an IoT managed services company. I’ve also booked the venue and the person who will marry Telis and me. I was up in my university city on Wednesday “inspiring” generation Z’ers and then Thursday, I met with recruiters to discuss what I was looking for. Today I then get an offer following Tuesdays interview. It’s just all been so unexpected but I’m happy.

I’ve achieved what I wanted for this year – a new job. Last year, it was to pass my driving test. Next year it’s to get married and fall pregnant (although that’s a huge expectation to set on myself, especially if we struggle). Then the year after, it’s to buy a house! I think we can do it all.

I love Telis. Our life is beautiful and he’s so good to me. I’m just so happy with how everything is going. I think I have to thank God because this is all so amazing what I’ve been able to achieve. I’m grateful.

Well done Dera. You deserve it.

At what point did we decide to get married? I can’t remember, but here we are. We’re even viewing a venue tomorrow, how exciting!

It’s been months right? Well, I have missed you journal.

There’s really not much to report other than I am still job hunting, I’m getting married and Telis is meeting my grandma tomorrow. Ha!

I finally told her I was dating someone, a Telisan! She was pretty chilled about it on the phone to me, but to my parents she started saying all sorts so my dad is coming with us tomorrow so that he can diffuse the bomb that’s her tongue when necessary.

I’m really excited to be getting married. I’ve even built a wedding website where all details will go. It’s a way to save money plus everyone is connected to the internet know, it shouldn’t be hard for them to open a website. I bought the domain, thesurname.com, where ‘surname’ is obviously Telis’ surname, so I’m guessing out hashtag will follow suit: #TheSurname.

We’re estimating 300 guests, which is a lot, but if I’m going to have one celebration, it might as well be a big one. To be honest, when I was to marry Jomi, we were estimating 300 to 500 guests so I suppose I was always going to have a big wedding.

The ring is coming. All I want is a solitaire ring with a 1 carat diamond with stones round the band. Plain and simple. And expensive. Ha!

I want to talk so much about my wedding, I pretty much have it all figured out. Colors and everything. Well not the dress, yet.

Life is still going great. Everything is good and I’m happy.