Category: Journal

Over the weekend, Telis and I went engagement ring shopping. We even searched around online for wedding venues. We’ll be doing two weddings. One in CapitalCity and the other in Telisland. Well the traditional Fridarian engagement will be in CapitalCity and then a smaller more intimate marriage ceremony in Telisland.

We’ve picked next year February to do it because we want to start a family as soon as possible. Maybe even this year. The only thing is that I don’t want to be pregnant on my wedding day, so wedding first, kids straight after. If I’m honest, I’ve been trying to get Telis to impregnate me like right now but he needs time to “process” having a kid. Right. Whatever.

Last night was beautiful. We went out to CapitalCity to see a musical. It was amazing. I loved it and like usual, Telis went out of his way to spoil me. He just loves making me happy – he’s such a cheeseball. But I love him. 

I can actually see it now – him being my future. I think I just had to acknowledge that I had a past with Jomi and we did plan on getting married and living our whole lives together. I had to speak about it and let go of it. So I told Telis how Jomi proposed to me. It was no longer this private thing just for me. It was something that I could share and not be consumed by. I can speak about it and not feel hurt or guilt. Not feel like I couldn’t promise a future to Telis because I already promised it to someone else. It’s a freedom that I never knew I needed but I’m not sad anymore and I do want to marry this man and start a family with him.

Getting listings on Marketplace is slow. Starting up is difficult. I think I need to put a proper marketing plan into place.

Anyway, I must dash off to the dentist now.

Now it’s time for Google Ads to do its thing. Facebook did well enough but it certainly doesn’t have the reach that Google has. 

I have people signing up, but it doesn’t go beyond that. I need them to post a listing on the marketplace. Right now, I only have two external listings (plus another two of my own) so the site is ridiculously empty.

I’m still trying to reach out to people, but that’s hard and not really yielding results. I know it’s early days yet but I need some traction. I’ve even employed the competition method to encourage people to post listings. Posting a listing to be in for a chance to win x amount of vouchers for bla bla bla. My head hurts!

Also at work; drama!

I was sexually harassed. So there’s one Dutch man who went out of his way a few weeks ago to talk to me. He told me that I was attractive and made comments about my body. He said I could be a model and other nonsense, nothing new, just usual man stuff.

Today, we were walking into work from the car park and were talking about disabled spots, the conversation eventually came to a point where I said to him, “but you’re not disabled” to which he replied, “walking behind you, I will be.” What?!!

That was too far. I can take mild comments here and there but that was crude and also very creepy! I went straight to my boss. Haha! Now I have to speak with HR. My boss asked if I wanted for the man to have an informal warning or whether I wanted to go down the formal procedure. I think I’ll keep it informal for now. They were just words. Inappropriate for sure and I felt hella uncomfortable, but just words.

I need to give my marketplace business a name because it’s annoying referring to it as the marketplace, the website, the this, the that. It is now called:

*Googles random word generator*

The randomly generated words sucked, therefore, it shall henceforth be known as: 

Marketplace.com!!

I really hope Marketplace picks up and I get more listings. 

Restless and anxious.

People are signing up to the website but I want them to post listings so the website looks like it has content. I’m also anxious because it could grow and that’s scary! They’re two conflicting emotions. I really want this but I’m scared of it.

Exciting news however, a popular ecommerce site said I could submit a blog post to promote my marketplace. I sent it in yesterday and today I was told it would go live on Sunday. I’m so grateful that they’re supporting me. They have a huge following and I’ll be able to broadcast the platform to my audience. It’s so good to be known in the community. 

I’ve also gotten in touch with a lady who came 2^nd on a TV programme pertaining to my craft. I know her husband personally as we worked together so I got her contact through him and she said we could talk tomorrow to discuss the project. She too is very popular in the community. I’m taking whatever I can get!

My Facebook ads are doing ok. I get one sign up per day, so that’s something and I’m trying to get a campaign for Google Ads published. But I’m probably still not doing enough. The whole cold emailing business is hard and 90% of the time people just ignore you or don’t follow through. I really don’t know how to convey to people that this is something they never knew they needed. I guess I need to keep trying to find out what does and doesn’t work.

I’ve also emailed the early adopters to thank them for signing up and letting them know that I’m here to help.

I know that I’m an anxious person, but why am I feeling like such a failure who could be doing more? Am I going about this all wrong? Do I need to offer people freebies? Maybe that’s it… Freebies…

I need to find websites that I can work with I suppose…

Stupid anxiety. I can’t help thinking, what if this blows up? What if it becomes huge? Am I ready for this?

Maybe I’m being stupid. There are different forms of attraction and to say that I’m not attracted to Telis would be a blatant lie. I keep focusing on the things that I’m not so much attracted to and not the things that I am and all I’m doing is depressing myself.

I love him in ways that transcends the physical. The fact that he’s everything I’ve asked for and ever wanted in a man should be enough for me and even though he may not be packaged how I would have preferred, do I have any right to complain? I don’t think so. When I’m old and wrinkly, is it his looks that will sustain us?

Exactly.

I drove down to my parents for Easter, celebrating my mums 50th. The whole family was there, including aunties, uncles and cousins. She was so happy, considering the fact that she said she didn’t want to celebrate her birthday. Telis gifted her an old phone of his. It’s a Samsung Galaxy S8 to still somewhat relevant in this technological age.

Things with my marketplace is also picking up! I’ve put out an ad on Facebook and people have been signing up. I’ve had four sign ups today! I’m excited and equally anxious. I find myself sleeping to my racing heart every night and I’m just thinking how I’ll cope if things ever explode.

People who I have spoken to think it’s a good idea. And here comes the heart palpitations… See, all I have to do is think about it and the nerves kick in. But yes, people think it’s a good idea and I too also see much potential in it, especially since I have lots of people signing up after only a short time since launching! I mean, the website is pretty empty but I’m giving it a few months and things will change, for sure!

It was Junior’s daughters christening yesterday on Easter day. It was good seeing him and his little one. I also met one of his closest friends that he always talks about called Lota. I met Lota’s wife and little girl too! Me and his wife definitely hit it off and exchanged contact details. Seeing a young family puts a longing into my heart. It’s about time I decided where mine and Telis‘ relationship is going because I’m ready to settle down.

I’ve told Telis to pick a wedding date. I don’t think I want to be engaged again. I don’t trust myself and if I suddenly find that Telis isn’t for me, I don’t want to have to break up another engagement. Once is enough. I’m happy to just set a date and do the thing. But forever is a long time and I want to be confident that we’ll last that long, but that can’t be guaranteed with anyone ever. All I can promise is to try my hardest to work on the relationship and grow in love.

I was thinking about how I wanted to be successful by the time I was 25. Now, I’m going on 27 but I don’t mind that I’m not a millionaire. Between 24 and 25, I think I went through a lot and there was no time to build something huge. However, I am in a good place right now. My life isn’t so much in disarray. Being a YouTuber was fun but not sustainable – it wasn’t all a loss though, I’ve been able to use my following to sort of push my marketplace but it’s not enough.

YouTube is saturated but now I’m entering an untapped market doing something that is growing year on year. The whole peer-to-peer business model is booming and I want my share of it. All I can hope for is that it works out!

I have a job interview tomorrow. I should prepare, but meh.

I just want to look at him one day and feel like, ‘yes, this man is mine and I am his’, but I don’t think I’ve fully claimed him, nor do I want him to claim me. 

It’s like I’m still giving him a chance and I haven’t decided whether or not I want to be with him. Maybe one day things will just click into place… Or not.

I think the microneedling thing really upset me because 1) I put him through something that is physically painful and 2) it didn’t change how I feel or don’t feel about him. I thought that if his appearance changed I’d suddenly start feeling differently towards him but I don’t.

He makes me happy, truly. But I feel like our love is an ocean and the tides keep pulling him back while he tries to berth his boat on my island. I like that he is close but I don’t want him to get too close and yet I feel so far from him.

I remember how I worshipped Jomi, well, not literally, but he was my everything: my present, my future, my life. I couldn’t see anyone but him as my forever. I was consumed in our love. It ran deep. But now, I don’t know who the fuck my present, my future or my life is. I just have a great companion who I love and don’t mind keeping around and if we break up? Life goes on.

The sad thing is it probably has less to do with him and more to do with my inability to fully commit. But then again maybe he’s not for me and I can sense that so I’m holding back.

Who knows?

I just want to feel that all-consuming love again. Or is it just something reserved for your first love? If that’s the case, then I’ll always feel separate from whomever I’m with.

That kinda sucks…

I’m anxious. I don’t know why. Perhaps it’s because of my work situation or something else that I just can’t comprehend.

I had an interview at Company T yesterday. It was so unexpected I was actually left speechless. My hiring manager said that I’m in a very fortunate position, that I have valuable experience within a top tier company and I would be snapped up by the big players like that. He asked why I would apply to a middle-market company like Company T, that once you get out of the big leagues, it’s hard to get back in. He wants me to think about what it is that I want for my career, because I have the potential of becoming very rich.

That’s definitely not what is expected from any interview but I did appreciate his honesty and candidness, albeit surprising. I don’t mind moving to a smaller company, as long as there is progression and I am rewarded for my input.

All I know is that I can’t wait to get the fuck out of my current job.

Today Telis got a face microneedled. I’m not sure if I ever mentioned the scarring on his face in the past. Maybe I did, either way I suggested he see’s a specialist about it and after his consultancy with one, I put down a large amount of money for three sessions of the treatment.

I wasn’t expecting what I saw. I knew that the skin would be pierced by micro needles but he was in so much pain and his face was bleeding – I felt so bad to put him through that. I actually just want to cry. I hated seeing him like that and I blame myself.

He’s only do it because I asked him to and I love and appreciate him for that. He’s such a good guy. His face is all red now. All I can do it laugh at him but inside I”m sad.

But I don’t think that’s what my anxiety is about.

I don’t know… Maybe I just feel like a terrible person.

I’m sat here trying to work my feelings out. It almost certainly has nothing to do with how I feel about Telis. Maybe it is career related and I’m just worried or perhaps I feel selfish for what I’ve done to my boyfriend. Who know…?

Sleep.

Choking back tears.

I just spoke to a Spanish colleague and his laugh really reminded me of Cymric’s, it was like I was speaking with my friend again. 

Just to hear his voice once more…

* * *

I want to leave my job. I’m just getting more restless and frustrated. I hate coming in. I hate my boss. I hate the work. I hate everything about it. I didn’t choose this stupid role. I’m stuck in a position I can’t get out of and I just feel so useless, like what I’m doing is making zero impact.

I also feel like I’m not doing enough. That people see me and think I’m just a waste of resources. I just feel like I’m constantly failing here. I don’t see my contributions rewards so I don’t even know if they count.

I just want to go. I’m tried. It’s annoying.

I have an interview tomorrow and one in two weeks. The one in two weeks is for Company C and tomorrow’s is with Company T. I want the position at Company C because technical knowledge of the product isn’t a requirement and so I won’t be brought down by my lack of experience in that particular technical field. 

The next stage of the interview process with Company C was to be a telephone interview but the recruiter called me yesterday and said she wanted to skip that, that the hiring manager wants to meet me. So, that’s promising!

I’m still chafing at the shackles holding me to my current company but slowly I will be free!

I want to hand in my notice right now but I know it’s a stupid move. Nothing is guaranteed and I need to have some sort of insurance to fall back on, even if it’s my current company. It hasn’t gotten to the point where it’s affect my mental health too much. I do get anxiety when I think about going to work, that I’ll be admonished for not doing enough or not performing how I’m expected to. The whole situation from last year just hasn’t helped.

I don’t particularly feel very comfortable in my boss’s team. I’ve had other bosses within the company that I’ve thrived under. I wish I stayed where I was.

This company fucking sucks and I’m fed up.

Last night I was thinking of my story – the turbulence of my life in 2018, the many up and downs I experienced and the fragility of my emotional and mental health.

2019 is such a massive contrast to the 2018 I remember. This time last year I was worn down and drained of everything I knew myself to be.

I truly have found happiness and I’m glad that I’ve moved past everything that I was caught up on last year. To give a summary of this last year will be to reflect on how I have grown as a person and what life means to me now.

In the space of around 365 days I’ve lost a boyfriend, lost a friend, gained a boyfriend, gained many new friends and I’m happy! I remember how alone I felt, like there was nothing in this world for me. Just existing and so, so miserable. But here I am!

My marketplace has two signups! It’s just a start but I’m going to keep at it. Cold emailing/messaging is extremely difficult and 9 out of 10 times I’m ignored but I’ll persevere and hopefully success will come out from all my effort.

I feel like I constantly have my own mortality staring me in the face.

Aside from my minor car accident that left Nebby’s front bumper deformed, I just feel like I’m about to do something stupid and crash into a wall and die.

And then I’m watching TV shows and reading lots of book and again and again, man’s wickedness and human fragility are a constant reminder of the world we live in and of the victimisation of innocent, helpless souls and the fact that nothing can be done about it.

It’s depressing. The world is a dangerous place and driving around in a tin can isn’t the worst of it. We are. Us humans. The pain we have wrought upon each other; physical, emotional, psychological.

I don’t want to believe that I can be broken – or rather, I don’t want to believe that me being a casualty of someone elses cruelness can break me. I was happy to blame myself for the way that I am. That way, the world is still a good place. People don’t do bad. Feeling unloved isn’t a result of malice aimed towards me, you know, it’s just his nature. That sort of thing.

Nothing was ever done to purposefully hurt me. It was never intentional. People aren’t that evil. But actually they are.

I was sexually assaulted but I never saw it as such. I wasn’t raped therefore I had no right to see myself as a victim. I was only almost raped. I was only pinned down to the bed while he tried to get a condom out. But it wasn’t fully rape, so I’m ok.

But I’m not ok. I don’t want to be touched. I wish I wasn’t so marred by the experience.

I haven’t been getting intimate with Telis and then I had to go and drudge up the past just so that he didn’t think it was because I wasn’t attracted to him.

Going back to my whole near-rape experience left me so shaken on Sunday night that I slept terribly. Yesterday I googled services available to victims of sexual assault. I think I’ll get help.

I’m just so reluctant to be touched. I don’t want to feel pleasure and I avoid sex altogether. It comes and goes. Sometimes I feel fine and sometimes I’d rather just go about my life without ever being intimate again.

I’m going to call a helpline and see what can be done going forward. I do want to get better. I don’t like thinking of myself as a victim but maybe that’s what I am. I just want to talk/write honestly about it and not run away from the fact that it did happen and it happened to me.

The biggest thing is the shame I’ve attached to it. Before he pinned me down and tried forcing himself onto me, he fingered me, and I enjoyed the sensation and I feel disgusted with myself for enjoying something that almost got me raped. I can’t allow myself to feel pleasure again. I’d rather give than receive but it’s not fair on me. 

I’ve come so close to the big O, maybe I’ve even had it, but I also stop myself. I run from it and I tell myself that’s enough. I don’t want it.

I want to be able to enjoy myself with Telis. I don’t want to feel fearful or ashamed. I don’t know how to get over this. The only time I can let go is when I’m drunk and I don’t want to drink.

I just want to scream and cry out. I’ve battled myself for so long over this and I’m tired of fighting. I just want to be. I want to feel love in all its entirety. I’m going to work on overcoming this trauma.

In other news, I’ve been reaching out to vendor after vendor to no avail. It’s so fucking difficult. People are interested in the idea but aren’t registering onto my platform. I need to keep going, no one said it would be easy.