Best Friends With Life

What the actual flying fuck?!

So, I met up with my-ex-who-really-isn’t-a-proper-ex (M.E.W.R.I.P.E aka Mewripe) today. What started off as a meeting of friends just ended up as an annoyance for me.

It was chilled. Him and his brother picked me up from the train station and we drove back to his brother’s place to hang out. It wasn’t anything weird, his little niece and nephew were there too so it was a proper family affair. Nothing much happened, we sat and chatted and then suddenly he’s asking me for my phone so that he can write me a note on it. Mewripe then shows me the following, and I still have it on my phone because I saved that shit; “Why do I still have feelings for you?? I try to let go but it doesn’t! Even now that you’re with someone… it’s crazy. You always seem to move on pretty fast.”

Excuse me?! You still have what for me? Feelings? You cannot even be serious. After seven years?! Feelings from what exactly? Feelings from the less than five kisses we exchanged? Feelings from all the days we didn’t spend together because we were long distance? Feelings from all the communication that our relationship lacked? Feelings from the zero experiences that we shared together? Where exactly is seven years worth of feelings coming from because this shit makes no sense to me! What are you holding onto? Really? What?! What have I given you that you can’t let go of? We were never intimate, we only met up like three times in our whole relationship, we rarely spoke. So I’m sorry if I don’t understand, but I cannot see a reason as to why someone would hold on to a relationship that was never really one to begin with. And for so long too.

Do you know what I think? I think it was the idea of me that he was holding on to. The what could have been. I was his first girlfriend and he was my first boyfriend. Maybe the significance of it was a lot more sentimental in his mind. But even after all of that, seven years?! Why hold on for so long? I don’t get it. We weren’t even together for a year, so why stay pining after a girl for your whole adult life. Like why?!

I’m just annoyed. There was no way I’d tell him to his face that what he was feeling is silly because I will never negate anyone’s feelings. If that’s how he feels, then that’s how he feels but all I know is that I don’t understand it and I don’t even want to try to.

If Jomi came to me in seven years time and told me he still had feelings for me, I would accept that because that would make sense! We loved each other, we shared years of our lives together, we were going to get married. That makes sense! But for something that was basically puppy love without the love, yeah, leave me out of it…

I’m cutting him out of my life. I’m all up for comedy but it at least needs to be funny and this shit isn’t funny. I met up with him completely innocently. I’ve never harboured any feelings for him and I didn’t take what we had so seriously and I didn’t expect him to either, so I thought it wouldn’t be a big deal. But he’s just gone and completely ruined my day.

I called up Telis and told him what happened; he said he knew something like this would occur. I asked him why he didn’t tell me and he said he didn’t want to seem like the jealous boyfriend. No Telis, tell me when you think I’m walking into a trap! I’m naïve and I trust everyone! His scepticism is what I need! I thanked him for trusting me. I was meeting up with an ex at the end of the day and that shit can be awkward for current lovers. I just didn’t think it would escalate into something where I’d be arguing over a relationship-that-was-barely-a-relationship that happened seven years ago when I was a child!

To be honest, this was the cream and cherry on top of my already festering bad mood; what set it off was my cousin Cameera who upset me today. She basically said that my relationship with Telis wasn’t serious and I was just going through a phase. Like, how dare she? She spun some bullshit about how when she looks into the future she doesn’t see him and me together. I admit, he’s definitely not what I would go for on a normal day and I don’t think people would automatically pair us together, but I’ve been with him for two and a half months and I feel like I’ve found something real with him. What we have feels special and he gets me in such a way that makes me feel so safe with him.

I chose him and I will continue choosing him because when it comes down to it, it’s how I feel about him that matters.

I’m just pissed off. Men are fucking trash, except Telis, he’s not trash. He’s amazing. I told him what my cousin said and immediately he made me feel better. He always makes me feel better. And that’s why I’m not afraid to be open and honest with him. He never exacerbates, only soothes. I love him.

I told him about the ulterior motive I had for making us Facebook official. Basically, since we were going to a wedding in Telisland next month, I didn’t want his friends to be surprised that he was dating a black girl, so I thought I‘d just put it out there on Facebook so it doesn’t get weird for us. He told me his Godmother saw the post and messaged him saying that I looked like a nice girl. That fills me with a bit of calm. I don’t want any visible surprises about my race once I start to meet his friends and family. We’ve never gotten that from anyone anyway but I’d rather have some control over it.

I went to the gym this morning. I can’t even believe that. I’m thinking about going for a class tomorrow morning as well. I’m really serious about getting fit. I even bought Telis and I professional skipping ropes. I need to get sexy, I don’t care what it takes. Beach body here I come!

I’m so hungry. I’ll sleep it off and get sexy in the gym tomorrow. I think I may have pulled a shoulder muscle though… Awks.

I’m about that gym life again! I went to an abs fitness class yesterday and my whole body is just hurting. And there is no way I can do leg day with my upcoming driving test so I’ll just have to rest my upper body for a few days…

I’m going to Capital City tomorrow to meet up with an ex turned friend. I wouldn’t really call him my ex though. I can count the number of times we’ve kissed on one hand and the number of times we’ve had sex on zero hands. It was all long distance. We met, then he travelled back to Fridaria where he stayed until we broke up, with maybe one trip back down again. Plus we were both kids. I’d just turned 18, and he was my first boyfriend. I did like him, but seven years later, I can see it was quite juvenile. So as far as I’m concerned, he’s just an old friend. We speak now and again. Maybe on average, once per year, maybe less, but it’ll be nice to catch up with him face to face.

I was so moody last night. I think it’s because I was meant to go out with Kirby but it didn’t end up happening. I’d dressed up, put my eyeliner on and everything so I was a bit annoyed. And to make things worse, I was missing Telis like crazy and I hated so much that I missed him. And I hated even more that I love him, because that shit affects your emotions and that’s a level of vulnerability that I do not like.

This is the last time I’m falling in love. If this one doesn’t work out, that’s it. I’m done. There’s so much that goes into a relationship. So much of yourself, your heart, your sanity. And I don’t know if I want to keep giving and giving, it’s scary.

I like being in control of my life. I like to know what exactly I’m aiming for and the potential outcomes. Relationships don’t follow any rules so it could go any damn way it wants. But I don’t want to keep diving into uncertainty. So really, this time, it’s all or nothing.

I could potentially be meeting Telis’ parents next month. Even though we are going to Telisland in October, Telis has been invited to a wedding in September and he wants me to come too.

Also why are protein bars so dense?

I am pretty willing to meet his parents. I just hope that they don’t think that it’s too soon. It probably is too soon, but then again, we were already booked holidays together after like a day dating.

I still feel like he could be the best thing to happen to me or the biggest calamity of my life. I think he’ll be both. I’ll have such a happy life with him and then at age 97, he’ll die and leave me all alone. And that indeed will be a calamity of great proportion.

* * *

We’re Facebook official! I’ve never been Facebook official with anyone! Not even with my ex fiancé! To be honest I was super apprehensive because I’m a private person but this feels right. I don’t regret doing it. However, I did hide the post from the timeline so that it wouldn’t appear to everyone, because I’m awkward like that. But that’s how I want it.

My friend Kirby still has my bank card and I want it back! I haven’t been able to get a hold of him today. I know he isn’t splashing my cash, but we agreed on him borrowing it for a single day and it’s been like three. This is why you can’t do nice things for people… It’s annoying.

So I hung out with Telis’ friend Vish last night. I’m not sure what to make of it. It was a chilled affair. However I’m not sure if the conversation took a turn for the inappropriate considering he’s a good friend of my boyfriend. We’re both open people so a conversation like that is normal for me, it’s just the circumstances that could have made it a bit weird.

We spoke about boobs. We spoke about my boobs and how I was insecure about them because of the size and then I went on to tell him my size and how bra sizes work. I don’t know. There’s a fine line and I’m not sure if it was crossed. I also taught him how to dance Bachata and that was funny. I told Telis everything because it wasn’t like I was trying to hide anything. However he found it nice that we were bonding. Maybe less bonding and more group hang outs.

I’m just cautious about guys that are my boyfriend’s friends and girls that are my friend’s girlfriends. I think there should be some distance. When my best friend Junior got a girlfriend and then had a child, I definitely reduced the amount of communication we had – I don’t like causing unintentional interference and insecurities in other people’s relationships and I definitely don’t like the same for myself.

To be honest, I think what makes me even more careful now with Vish is the fact that once upon a time, he would have pursued me but as he told me, I showed no interest in him so that died before it even lived. I know it’s not a big deal, everyone’s a potential something and it either goes somewhere or it doesn’t. All my guy friends were all potential something’s or I was a potential something to them, either way, a guy and a girl just being friends always comes with potentials, I’m just really good at keeping boundaries so there are no potentials in my life right now but I’m probably a lot of people’s potential 😉

Speaking of potential, I should tell the story of how Junior and I met. We met back in 2011. It was my first week of university and my first time ever going clubbing. We met on the dance floor. I was wearing these huge heels and I towered over him but he came straight at me and we danced, or maybe I ran from him, I can’t remember. Either way, he asked for my BlackBerry pin and I was so exasperated by him that I gave it to him so that he would leave me alone. The next day he messaged me and we ended up hanging out and that was the beginning of our beautiful friendship. We’ve been very close since then. But it never escalated past friendship ever. Obviously when he asked for my pin, I was a potential but then I wasn’t. And I think that’s how it works with guys and girls.

Casper was definitely a potential. I was single. He was cute. So I basically approached him! But he had a girlfriend. However, he too became a very good friend. Only the friends I made while in a relationship or those who were in relationships were never potentials. I respect the sanctity of relationships and I understand male/female dynamics because a lot of my friends are guys and I know how girls can get – jealous. Fortunately for me, I’m perceived as harmless and tend to befriend friend’s girlfriends because I just show zero interest and I mind my business.

I know there’s nothing to worry about. I’m just extra wary.

I’m going to start going to the gym daily. I want to get sexy for Telis so he can show me off to the world. My body is borderline a minuscule disgrace. I need to burn some fat so that my beach body is ready for when we travel. It’s pretty good the way it is right now and I’d still look fucking sexy in a bikini but perfection is always something to strive for. Also can he return already…? I want to have sex with his penis.

* * *

Firstly, I need to stop buying shit off the Internet. I’ve probably spent my whole monthly pay in less than a month. Anyway, it’s all for a good cause. I’ve bought a whole load of bikinis and summer dresses for my upcoming holidays, I want to dress nice and girly for once.

Ok, now that the basic update on my life is out of the way, let’s move onto the explosive. I used my vibrator. I may have orgasmed, or almost orgasmed. Either way my body literally spasmed, my toes curled and my back arched and it felt like I was possessed by a demon that was trying to leave my body. An orgasm is basically an exorcism. Because that shit leaves you drained. My legs are weak AF. However, I do believe I had my first orgasm/almost-orgasm with Telis and I did say to myself that I’d marry the guy to give me my first.

My clitoris is super sensitive because it’s gone untouched for all these years, plus it’s hidden under a hood, so every little touch is like fireworks through my body. My clit was so swollen after I stopped that I could feel it as I was walking, every movement would rub against it and that’s how I knew I’m erect, like a man! My tiny penis works! Yay! I can’t wait for Telis to return and play with me. I’m not so broken after all. I actually thought I’d never have an orgasm and here I am; a woman.

But my next aim is to orgasm purely through vaginal stimulation and climax with my lover. I think having felt an almost-orgasm would make me less scared to have one and so I’ll be able to let go during sex and actually enjoy it. I’m making progress. I’m happy.

Ok, so, Telis’ friend Vish has messaged me like three times today and he invited me round to his place for drinks. I’m going to the gym tonight, so I’ve kindly declined but now I feel like I need to set some implicit boundaries. Hmm…

I’ve left my bankcard with my friend Kirby because he’s lost his wallet. He’s ready to splash my cash. Hopefully, he just doesn’t splash too much; I’ve already spent too much.

I’m still shaken from that orgasm/almost-orgasm. I don’t think I’ve fully had one. I feel like I’ve been on the precipice of one. Or maybe I did have one but it comes in waves. Like I reach a point, then it calms down, then it reaches another point, then it’s back down again, and each point is toe-curling and back-arching and scream-inducing. I’ll try again with Telis. Pleasure is more than just me and a vibrator, I want to share it with Telis too. I want him to experience me in all my grandeur, and me him. I want to pleasure him and be pleasured by him. I want that reciprocal kind of sex. I want Telis in his entirety and I want to give him all of me.

I’m so sleepy. I feel drained.

My family visited me on Sunday because I’ve been ill for the past few weeks. They brought me food, which was lovely of them. Then we all went out to a Lebanese restaurant. It was nice to have them here in Deraland; they never visit me. My mother asked about Telis. She asked about his job, his height (???), etc. But she said she didn’t want to meet him until we’d been dating for a significant amount of time. I think she thinks I just jump from one relationship to the next. She doesn’t want to be meeting multiple boyfriends so I guess I’ll be taking Telis home some time early next year.

To be honest, I just want to be committed to one person. As long as I can tolerate them in the long term, then I think it could work with anyone. It’s just about putting in the work. There’s the danger of ‘the grass is always greener on the other side,’ and the temptations that comes with that, but who’s to say that all that greenness isn’t just artificial turf? I think once you’ve found a good thing, you should hold onto it, because it’s rare to find in this terrible world.

I love Telis for a reason, despite all my apprehensions and I should believe it. I’m not going to lie… I borderline want to run away right now. You start to question whether this person really is going to be there forever, but there’s no guarantee and that’s scary.

I’ve started doing research into fashion design. I’ve even begun teaching myself how to draw fashion figures – I’m actually quite good at it. I’m picking up the basic concepts of drawing a female body, which is a great start! I want to continue building on my drawing skills; eventually it’ll come naturally to me and I’d be able to draw whatever is in my head!

I’ve looked into fabrics, the different styles of dresses I’d like to design and just basic things that I can draw inspiration from. I’m starting to have an idea of what my clothing line could look like. I really like the idea of using a brocade fabric to create silhouettes that are quite modern and contemporary. I love the weight of brocade too. I’ve sewn with it before to make my best ever garment – I just really appreciate its ability to hold its shape. It’s nice. I like clean and structured garments so brocade could really work. I’m thinking about pairing it with netting to mess around with illusions. Anyway this is just the beginning, there’s still lots that I need to do but I’m hungry for this and equally as excited. Being stressed really does push me to want to work hard.

I’m meeting up with Telis’ friend Vish tonight. At least I’m able to hang out with my boyfriend’s friends without him without feeling weird about it. See we were meant to be. Everything just aligns with us. It’s effortless.

I’m feeling anxious. I feel like success is running away from me. I’m not one to give up but I just don’t know what to do.

I’ve been working on producing some fashion designs, taking inspiration from everyday items just to get some practice in and my creative juices flowing. But I just don’t know who I am. I know my story, but how do I get that to translate into my designs? What’s my style? My inspiration? My aesthetic? I don’t know. It’s starting to stress me because I’m yet to create anything that shouts, ‘yes! That’s a Dera look!’

I feel like the first step would be research. I don’t know; or perhaps finding themes and fabrics that resonate with me. I know I like simple elegance. I like abstract shapes; that seems to usually work for me when it comes to designing. I also did some cool drafts of dresses inspired by dragon tails that I really liked. But I need an overarching theme and a coherence to my work.

Now that Telis has disappeared for two weeks, I need to use this time alone to make progress on my clothing line. I just don’t want to become complacent because I can’t find something that works for me. If I have to cry, I’ll cry, as long as I’m propelled to action afterwards.

My clothing line seems like the only avenue I’d like to pursue right now. I can’t think of anything else I’m interested in enough that I’d want to quit my job for. Boo, this sucks. I borderline feel lost. I haven’t made any move to climb the career ladder because it’s not my dream. Some people want to be CEO of something someone else built, advancing higher and higher through nothing but hard work and determination in their corporate landscape. But I’m a creative and the only way to get rich as a creative is to make it and make it big, but the competition is fierce and I’ll have to set myself apart in ways beyond the usual. I’m fortunate to have a substantial social media following which I can capitalise on but even that may not be enough.

Now that I’ve sorted out the mess that was my life a few weeks ago, this is my new stressor. I successfully navigated the whole buying a house/needing to find somewhere to rent malarkey, I’ve started searching for new jobs and I’ve properly settled into my new relationship. Everything is calm in my life and so the next thing to focus on is how I can invest in my talents and myself. I did the right thing, however. Trying to juggle a job search, home buying, room renting, learning to drive, a new relationship, my YouTubing, my meetup events organising, my clothing line, all at once would have ended in disaster.

Telis likes to say that I should take things a step at a time. I do tend to overwhelm myself so it’s good that I didn’t feel obliged to do everything at once. Creating content for YouTube is pressure in itself because you have people who depend on your knowledge but I didn’t let that sway me into juggling more than I could handle. Telis really is a calming factor in my life. I love him.

Now I need to stop feeling anxious!!! Everything will work out – it always does.

How good does it feel to be loved and be in love? Telis is everything I knew I wanted and everything I never knew I needed. It’s just so nice to feel desired. It’s touching knowing there’s someone out there who will do anything for you. I love him. I really do.

I was at his place on Wednesday evening and he left me to go and have dinner with his colleagues. I waited and waited for him, I even took out his washing, made his bed and packed his suitcase for him, but I got tired of waiting and left. I messaged him that I was leaving then went to my place to do my own thing. Some time after midnight, as I was trying to sleep, he called me and asked if he could come over and sleep over at my place that night because he wanted to see me in the morning. I just love that he likes me so much and wants to be around me. This is all I’ve ever wanted; for a man to want to do anything to have me. Telis wants me and fought to make me his and it just makes me feel warm inside.

I haven’t felt it, but I do feel it now, he is my person. My forever person. I wasn’t so sure before because I did everything to avoid being with him, but sometimes, you know what you want before you know what you want – as in, subconsciously I knew that he is everything but my conscious mind completely disregarded him. I love him. It’s so weird.

He’s on holiday now for two weeks. I knew I really did love him when I borderline cried yesterday as he said goodbye to me. I might even cry now writing this. I’m going to miss him. Our relationship is simple but it means a lot to me. He is nothing like what I was expecting, but maybe that’s what’s good about him.

I know mutually falling in love is silly, but him and I, we are predestined, preordained and fated to be. He’s mine forever. I think we’ll be getting married in less than two years time, but I suspect it’ll be more like less than a years time. I know he’s mine and he knows I’m his, and I don’t mind spending forever with him. I’m happy.

The universe listened…

* * *

There is one trait that both my exes had that I really hated and it was their victim mentality. Nothing was ever their fault and it drove me crazy. Jomi blamed so many things and people for how shitty his existence was and Igor used his constant feeling sorry for himself to manipulate me. Compared to those two, Telis is a man. An actual man. He works hard, he’s dependable and he actually takes responsibility for what goes on in his life. I’m so stress free with him. I’m already an anxious person, but he just calms me down. It took a bit of time for me to get to this point, but with his help, I’m in a much better place with him. I haven’t felt like running away from him and even when I do try to push him away, he stands firmly by me and tells me he’s not going to leave me. That’s a man right there. I’m ready to share my life with him.

I have been so ill. After my period ended, things only got worse. I took myself to the hospital on Sunday morning because I woke up with sharp pains in my pelvic area, groin and chest – I couldn’t move or walk. It was excruciating and I knew I had to see a doctor. Telis wasn’t feeling well either so we were both in pretty bad shape. I saw a nurse who did an STD swab test on me, gave me codeine for the pain and said I should take acid reflux tablets. To be honest, she was probably wrong about my chest pain, it wasn’t acid reflux, but there was no explanation for my pelvic pain. Luckily it went away the next day but the chest pain persisted. It was horrible, it even reduced me to tears a few times. Sunday just sucked. For me to see a doctor privately required jumping through so many hoops and I just couldn’t be bothered anymore. I’d just wait for my body to fix everything that was wrong with it. The only good thing was that the infection I had was gone, so that was one less thing to worry about.

Today is Wednesday and I’m finally fit enough to go to work. I feel much better. I’m only hoping that whatever was wrong with me has permanently disappeared.

My friend Winter stayed over at my new place on Sunday evening. Her and her boyfriend were going through a tiny rough patch; Winter got ridiculously drunk the night before and said some horrible things to him and his friends. So she travelled all the way to Deraland on Sunday to sort things out with him. But all is good with them, albeit a little awkward, for now.

I’ve officially moved out from my old place. My psycho ex-landlady actually paid me back my full deposit after I told her I’d be taking her to court. I was so ready to sue her, but Telis told me to leave it. Boo! But Monday was definitely a day for self-righteousness. I went to a local store to buy some things and there was a lady there who cut my path on multiple occasions without saying excuse me. Then as I was about to go and pay, literally extending my items forward to get them scanned, she cut in front of me like I wasn’t there and proceed to check out her items. Fortunately, I was able to get back at her. As she was leaving, I was also leaving and just as she was about to walk out of the door, I cut right in front of her, blocking the exit and walking out. She had the nerve to shout ‘excuse me! Rude!’ at me. Like speak for yourself you fucking bitch… I smirked to myself and definitely felt much better.

Yesterday, Telis and I bought a vibrator for me. Or rather, he bought the vibrator because I was too pussy to be seen buying one so I ran out of the shop and left him to it. He tried it on me when we got in and I screamed loads. I don’t think I orgasmed but it definitely felt intense. Anyway let’s see how things go with this!

I love Telis. I think we’ll get married soon. And then we’ll start a family. I know he wants that too. It’ll be nice.

What a week!

Dizzy spells and nausea that started on Tuesday, went from a pregnancy scare to a diagnosis of a urinary tract infection to more of a pregnancy scare, which has left me more than confused.

Story time!

Tuesday morning, just before lunch, I started feeling light-headedness, the kind you feel with motion sickness but without the motion. I was like, ‘huh… what’s going on?’ I stayed at work to eat lunch just in case a hungry belly was doing the damage. But the dizziness persisted and I went home. My period had also started three days early, three days before so I was suffering from tender breasts – as I do. The only difference was that, usually, after the first day, but latest by the second day, my breasts would stop hurting completely. This was the third day and they hurt, why? I put it down to the emergency contraception pill that I took two weeks before, they tend to reap havoc on your hormones.

So, I knew why my breasts hurt but why was I dizzy and nauseous? Was it still because of the pill? Was I losing a lot more blood than usual and becoming anaemic? So many questions and no answers. But what if I was… pregnant?

What if by taking the pill on the day that I ovulated I had rendered it useless? What if it couldn’t delay my ovulation in time and so an egg got released and fertilised? What if the pill had caused my period to start three days early before the little embryo had time to implant into my uterus? What if I had my period while having a fertilised egg inside me? What if I’m pregnant despite having my period? What if my breasts still hurt because I am with child and the dizziness and nausea are signs that indeed am pregnant?

Enough was enough, even though for most of Wednesday I felt fine, the light-headedness and nausea came back as I was going to bed. I felt terrible. I almost threw up. Thursday wasn’t any better and so I took my arse to the doctors. I gave a urine sample and he checked my pee for whatever doctors check for. And lo and behold he found something, and it wasn’t pregnancy. There was an infection in my urine. A whole infection, eating away at me. But he also did say that he didn’t get a result on the pregnancy test and that I should test again in a week’s time. So I left the doctor’s office without much being answered. Fair enough I had an infection, but was that what was causing the dizziness and nausea? And it was day five of my period, why did my boobs still hurt? What was the pill’s doing and what was the infection’s? See, I still had questions. Maybe I was pregnant. Why did he want me to still test? Surely, me being on my period and him not getting a positive result on the pregnancy test would be enough of an answer, but all it has done is leave me with more questions.

Telis and I spoke extensively about having a baby. He was actually quite receptive to it. He’d be happy having a baby with me, even though we’ve only been together two months. He’s thought about all the things he’d have to do to provide for our child. How we’d have to get married so that he could preserve my honour (ha!). He’s been lovely and I don’t worry with him. I worry about being pregnant but I don’t worry about having him by my side. He promised me he’d be a good husband and a good father. I trust that. He almost makes me wish that maybe I was pregnant…

* * *

Today is day six of my period; it’s trickling to a stop. I’m currently at work, feeling a little lightheaded. My breasts still hurt, but very mildly. I’ve decided I’m not pregnant. I have ordered a pregnancy test but I won’t use it. I don’t want to know. It’s always negative so there’s no point wasting it. I’ve clearly had my period so there’s nothing to doubt. My sore breasts is a side effect of the pill and the dizziness and nausea is due to the infection I’m harbouring. If my symptoms persists I’ll take the test but for now, I have my answer. The end.

* * *

I feel wobbly.

* * *

I did a test and it came out negative. I’m relieved. But my boobies still hurt, which sucks. Stupid pill. Either way, I’ll do another test next week like the doctor suggested.

And… Happy two months to Telis and I!

I said the unsayable. I said it and I meant it. But I still feel awkward AF when it leaves my lips. Yes, I said the L word. Love. (Granted, I was slightly drunk but) I told Telis I loved him. L – O – V – E. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to love again, but here I am. In love.

* Cringe *

Fuck this is sickening…

Ok. Anyway, I’ve seen my friend Winter on several different days in the past weeks. I double dated with her last week and then we went out for lunch together on Friday. On Saturday night, her and her boyfriend came over to Telis’ place and we hosted them. It was a proper adult affair. We made nibbles, Telis prepared cocktails and we all sat and adulted. It was good. I really like her boyfriend. He’s a good guy and he’s good for her. Like usual, Winter got a bit emotional while under the influence of alcohol. She recounted her sexual assault story in private to me and how she was losing her hair. There was a lot more she expressed and I completely feel for her. Getting over an assault and sharing that with the person you’re intimate with isn’t the easiest of things, but I’m fortunate to be brave enough to speak about it with Telis. Winter can’t. She can’t even tell her own boyfriend and she’s afraid he’s going to think she’s frigid when she recoils away at his touch. Poor chica.

Also, Telis overheard me telling Junior that he’s not my type. Awks. Well he isn’t. He isn’t what I’d have paired myself with but that’s the funny thing about life, it gives you what you’re not expecting and it’s sometimes better than the very thing you wanted. So, yes, he’s not my type, but for all the best reasons.

I’m horny… But I’m on my period. How unfortunate. It started four days early because of the emergency pill I had to take, otherwise I could have been getting nicely fucked. Such is life… I’ll just suck a dick, I guess.

I went to comic con on Saturday. Telis was like a kid in a candy shop. He was so excited about everything. But I was in such a cranky mood that I wasn’t able to fully submerge myself in the experience. Telis and I did buy matching Transformers jackets. So fucking nerdy. But it was a good weekend, expect for Saturday evening and Sunday. Telis and I felt terribly ill. He was in and out of the bathroom. We must have eaten something off because our stomachs were doing all sorts, plus I had period cramps on top of all of that. Sucks to be me.

Nothing else to report. Life is great. I’m happy and in love and I’m living my best life. I have a new room which I love, and I’m moving out of that hellhole today. I’ve bought a new wig, I have new jeans. And I have an exciting future to look forward to with my boyfriend.

Yesterday, Telis was fingering me because he really wanted me to finally orgasm and I completely PTSD’d. It started getting intense and I began to panic. I told him to get off me and was trying to pushing him away., I swear I would have kicked him in the face if he didn’t let me go, I was shit scared. I started crying then ran and locked myself inside the bathroom.

Who would have thought that I’d be so triggered? I thought I was over the event that it took me back to; the whole almost getting raped thing, but clearly not. I never really liked getting fingered and when things start to get intense I tend to push the guy away. Maybe that’s why I’ve never orgasmed. Because of that one incident. I remembered most of what happened yesterday.

I went to his place and saw he had a keyboard, he put me on his lap while I played twinkle twinkle little star. Then he started to kiss me all over my body, but not on my lips. I remember the bra I was wearing, it was black and lacy. I was undressed and in my underwear. He started to rub my clitoris, I think – his fingers weren’t inside me. But I know that whatever he was doing to me felt good. I was enjoying it and then he was on top of me. I think he then began to finger me but I’m not sure, I don’t think it was his penis. I know what a penis feels like now. I however stopped enjoying it at that point because he was inside me and I wasn’t sure what exactly he put inside.

I’d already told him I didn’t want to have sex but when he started getting the condom out I mentioned it to him again. He didn’t listen to me. He pushed me down. Maybe that was the point he began fingering me. It was either before or after pinning me down. I tried to push him off me but he wouldn’t let me go. I was so scared. I kept pushing and eventually he got off me. I went straight to the bathroom and saw I had some juice on me. I think it may have been my own – not his. But I wasn’t sure. Then I got dressed to leave and as I was leaving his kissed me on the forehead – I took that as a sign of affection but really I don’t know what it was. All I know is that I almost believed it. I can’t remember much of what happened after that. I think I cut him off and that was that. But when I got home that night, I felt so dirty. Disgusting. I went straight into the bath and scrubbed my body. I washed my hair. Put all my clothes in the wash. I wanted nothing to do with any object that was involved.

I know I’ve felt nothing but shame for enjoying the stimulation. During sexual activities, when things start to feel “good”, I never let it get further. Rubbing my clit or having it rubbed can only go so far before I stop it.

What Telis did wasn’t his fault. I’ve never allowed anyone to finger me for so long and so when the feelings of pleasure started getting more and more powerful all I wanted was for it to stop. And when Telis wasn’t stopping, I freaked out. I never knew I was so traumatised by it. I’ve never reacted that way before. I don’t know what to do about it.

I want to get over this trauma. I’m ok with penetrative intercourse. Just not the whole fingering malarkey and I don’t think I’ve ever been honest with myself as to why. Maybe I’ll let Telis finger me again, but at my pace. Each time, we’ll increase the duration until I’m at a point where I don’t freak out. I do feel safe with him, but yesterday was just so unexpected.

I’m broken.