Best Friends With Life

I don’t even know what happened. How did I go from 0 to 100 in less than two heartbeats?

Today wasn’t what I was expecting. The fact that I’d arranged to meet up with a guy and not even mention it inside my journal or to a single friend prior to today just shows how unfazed I was about the whole thing.

Where do I start? With the fact that I wet myself, or the vomit all over my top. Or him kissing me?! Journal where?!!

The beginning, I suppose.

So we met up. Who? I hear you ask. Not saying.

Anyway, we met up. Went for drinks, sat and chatted. Found we had plenty in common. He was definitely on my wavelength but I’m not going to get ahead of myself, because #SingleForAYear.

We went to eat dinner, then went dancing at a restaurant/bar venue.

Walking is something we both enjoy doing so we strolled towards the playground where we laid down inside a basket swing. Me in his arms (this has happened before with a guy in the past. In fact he works in the same company as another guy whom I was once seeing – I also met him in eerily similar circumstances. The point is, he is a repeat of things I’ve experienced in my past, actions, not personality). That’s where he first kissed me.

At this point my bladder was at it’s bursting point. We power walked to a bar where I dashed for the toilet, before the flood gates opened a few meters short of the toilet. Most of it went on me, some found itself on the toilet seat and the small remainder ended up inside the toilet. Annoyingly there were no tissues so I couldn’t even wipe myself.

I returned with my anxiety through the roof. My mouth went suddenly dry and I started feeling sick. I said I wanted water and he went to get me some. While he was away, I threw up in my mouth twice. Both times swallowing it back down. Unfortunately, some ended up on my top and I hadn’t realised until he had returned. I was already feeling self conscious from the wee all over me, and he goes in to kiss me and all I can think about is the vomit in my mouth. I then eventually realise I have some on my top and I die and hope that he hasn’t seen it. I wipe the vomit and now have a stain on my top – so embarrassing.

Of course I go inside my head. I’m thinking about what he’s thinking of me. I’m cringing within myself and trying not to be a major stress head! I’ve already embarrassed myself, pissed myself, soiled myself with vomit. I can’t deal.

So he walks me home and I invite him in. I have some things from work that I need to complete and email, so I work on that very quickly while he reads one of my novels. We chat, listen to music, kiss and I’m feeling a little better after changing my top, but I’m still in my urine soaked jeans. Boo!

When something happens that makes you feel a bit embarrassed it can ruin the good experiences shared. I don’t want to focus on that. So tomorrow, once I’m over it, I will rewrite the story of today and focus on the conversation and all the good that happened.

I recounted the whole story of mine and Cymric’s relationship to a friend and it’s opened up mild feelings of sadness. It’s ok. I accept it for what it is. I’ve moved on from that.

Recently, I’ve been keeping my own company. I come home from work and don’t really talk to anyone. I just read. All I do is read. It’s easy. My boredom flees and I have no need for human companionship.

I haven’t written for a few days because literally nothing has been happening with me. I haven’t even given myself much space to ruminate over anything. If I’m not reading, then I’m keeping myself focused on something else. So there’s nothing to write about. My mind is as bland as my life.

Work has been keeping me busy to be honest, which is good. I like that the days fly by. I don’t have to sit around bored doing nothing.

* * *

Tank and I are friends again. I went up to him and asked him if we could be friends again and he conceded. Only after telling me that being friends with me is too much effort because I send too many messages on WhatsApp and so he’d rather not be friends… Indefinitely. Well, there’s a bullshit excuse if ever I’ve seen one.

Anyway, the whole premise to our breakup was just stupid, hence why I was barely bothered by it. In fact, it was so childish that I’d rather not waste time worrying over something that was way, way below me.

That aside, since I was on a roll with the whole recounting of mine and Cymric’s relationship, I asked another friend if he wanted to hear my greatest love story (if I was going to tell it again, then today was the day because I don’t need to be bringing up sad memories on a regular). He said it was a sad story but he liked it. I liked it too. Truly. I feel like it was my own version of generic romance story, except at the end, I end up alone – which is fine! But I like that it didn’t have a happy ending because it allows me to look back from outside the situation and appreciate the wonder of it all.

The memory hasn’t been soiled by the longevity that comes with actual romantic relationships, where everything because static, where arguments and disagreements spoil perceptions. In that little weekend, everything was perfect. Real life, for once, was perfect. And that’s what I’m choosing to take with me and appreciate. The fact that I experienced it is more than enough.

Not everyone gets to live something real, so I’m honoured that life has chosen to bestow upon me a glance through the looking glass of potential. I’ve seen that it’s not impossible for me to find completeness in someone.

I feel energised by it. Cymric and I will never be friends again but if our paths ever cross, best believe we’ll be leaving down the same road… together.

After work, I had a meal with colleagues. They were all men, with at least 10 years on me. So I ate and listened and that was that.

Once in a while I do a sanity check, just to see how I’m feeling. Generally, I feel average. I’m not over the moon happy, but I’m not sad either. I’m just in the middle. Not feeling so motivated that I’m doing everything but not feeling so demotivated that I’m doing nothing. I’m neither here nor there. I’m just meh.

But meh is better than overthinking, spiralling, deep diving into depression. It’s definitely better than feeling alone and unwanted. So I’ll take my meh and work it into something legendary.

I just applied for a job within my company for a position in Cymricland. Only God knows what’s compelling me to want to apply for jobs there. But I’m going with it.

Anyway, forget that.

I’ve been feeling a little bit down. Yesterday I left salsa class on the verge of tears. I had to call Junior before I let my thoughts run wild. I just felt like I couldn’t penetrate the groups. I just didn’t see myself fitting in, and the fact that I’m trying to be more social and yet I still feel like I’m on the outside really just sucks!

Junior was really kind. He said words that brought tears to my eyes. He said I’m a good friend and a good person – or at least that was the gist of it.

I don’t know how to make conversations about things that aren’t important to me. Like holidays I’ve been on, or things I’ve watched on TV. I can do small talk, but I can’t get myself or others excited about restaurants I’ve been to or makeup that I own (or don’t own). I don’t like to interject with my own opinions because most of the time I don’t have any.

What I get excited about are books and philosophy. But how often am I going to stumble upon someone who also enjoys those things? I can’t walk up to someone and ask them, ‘so what is the meaning of life?’

The people at salsa already know each other so there’s no way I’d feel comfortable enough to infiltrate the group. Is this how I’ll always feel in social situations?

I feel like giving up. Maybe isolating myself is the only option. That way I don’t have to keep feeling my otherness. I literally just had to pick up and book and start reading during the dance breaks because I couldn’t deal with just standing there talking to no one. At least when in a book I don’t have to focus on my outcastness.

* * *

Pumped iron – feeling exhausted. Already 40 pages into book three of the trilogy I’m reading. I feel good.

I haven’t spoken to anyone today. Apart from colleagues, communication has faltered. I came home from work, ate, watched TV shows, read my book, went to the gym, read more of my book, and now it’s time for bed.

Could I sustain this aloneness long term? Probably.

I have been sleepy for the whole day. It’s like I’m yet to properly wake up even though it’s 11 at night. I did get back a little late from the salsa and bachata social party and woke up early for a house viewing but I’m sure I got at least 6 hours sleep. To be honest I haven’t been sleeping well all week, so that doesn’t help.

I’m in CapitalCity this weekend, spending it at home with my family. We all went out for a meal, which was nice. I made sure we didn’t use our phones at the table.

Anyway, I told my mother I wanted to be single for a year and she recited to me some Fridarian proverb about if you close your eyes saying you want to wait for something, when something perfect comes along, you’ll be so focused on keeping your eyes shut that you’ll miss out on it. Either way I don’t feel like I’m in a position for love. I want it, of course I do. But I’m worried about what it’ll do to me.

Let me just live my life and see what happens.

Something weird has been happening recently. When I read fantasy books, I get transported to another world – that’s a given. But with the current book I’m reading, I feel like it’s happening for real. Like I feel it happening around me. I’ve been reading so much recently that maybe that line between reality and fiction is becoming blurred. I wonder if there’s such thing as using books as an escape. Like how people use alcohol. Can reading become unhealthy? Is that a thing? That’s definitely something to research.

I have a stye in my eye and it’s hurts. It’s annoying me and doesn’t help my sleepiness.

But I must sleep! I need to sleep! And have sex. Why haven’t I mentioned sex in a very long while? I haven’t done it since Igor and I broke up. Sometimes I want it, sometimes I don’t. But the urge isn’t so strong. I just want sex to mean something now. So I’m willing to wait.

I told my mother that, after thinking back, I felt mine and Jomi’s relationship was child’s play, that there was no romance. She said that I was a lot more mature than him. We definitely experienced a touch of puppy love, which is nice, but it’s time for an adult relationship. Maybe I need an older man, 30+? Ew. But maybe not so ew. Perhaps they can give me what I’m looking for. At least they’d be more serious about settling down.

I’ve been listening to A Lot Like Birds all day! I’m a bit sad that they’ve split up so I’m never going to see them perform live. Annoying! But I’m definitely searching for the next concert to go to. I’m thinking Issues. Good band. Good sound.

Amazingly, despite losing both Tank and Cymric, I have managed to maintain my sanity. In days past, I would have profusely applied blame to myself and spiralled into some sort of depression. To be honest, with Tank, I was only sticking up for myself. I should never feel bad about that. But whatever. Progress! I’m pleased.

A few nights ago, I did call Junior asking him to never leave me. I still do need my true ones around, no man is an island.

As long as I feel like I’m doing something with my life, I don’t really need people as much. Just need to keep myself busy!

I’ve written one and a bit pages of my story. I have to go back through old messages to remember what happened or dialogues we shared. It breaks me. I shouldn’t be going back to days where everything was so good, but I need to. For the sake of our story, while everything is still fresh; the emotions, the memories.

I often find myself on the precipice of tears, especially when I remember the little things he did. Like how one time he pinched me a bit of mint leaves from the top of a bar counter because I’d never tasted it before.

I want our story to stay true to us. Or at least stay true to how I experienced it. I think what hurts more than actually losing something is losing the potential of something. Because you just don’t know what could have been and the opportunity to find out is lost forever. What a shame.

I remember, weeks ago, I wrote,

‘Am I asking for too much? Was what I had always enough? My ex was perfect in every way except for when it came to the romantic side of things. Igor was perfect in every way except for when it came to the friendship side of things. Maybe there’s just no middle ground. Maybe it’s either you get along with someone so well but have no romantic connection or you’re romantically suited but just don’t know how to get along as friends.

Maybe I’ve already gotten the best that I can get. The most I deserve.

Or maybe I’m just a terrible person who doesn’t know how to appreciate what’s in front of them.

I don’t know anything anymore. I don’t know if I was right or wrong to walk away from my relationships. I don’t know if just loving someone without sex or romance was enough. I don’t know if having someone care for you and show up for you but without the commonalities was enough. I don’t know what is or isn’t enough. I want everything but maybe it’s not what I deserve.’

Actually reading this brought tears to my eyes. It’s so heartfelt and painful. Feeling so lost. Not knowing how to trust what’s in front of you. I was thinking yesterday, that perhaps, God’s way of answering my prayer, the one where I asked for a healed heart and true love, was by bringing Cymric into my life. Only for me to lose him again, but at least God answered my prayer, right?

Anyway, that little snippet is all wrong. What I thought is all wrong. Because since then I’ve been able to find something, someone that encompassed the everything that I wanted; the romance and the friendship. I know I haven’t yet gotten the best that I can get because Cymric was more than I ever thought I could receive and yet he’s not the upper limit because there’s someone out there who will be even more to me than what Cymric was. I hope… No, I believe it.

But in the meantime, I don’t want to get too close to guys anymore. Maybe Tank and I not being friends is the best thing for me.

* * *

Despite my recent heartbreak, I’m not feeling so sad. As in there is an undercurrent of sadness but within myself, through and through, I’m pretty content and comfortable with where I am and who I am.

I’m keeping myself ridiculously busy and can only afford to think about how I can be more busy and how to make the most out of my busyness. I haven’t been to the gym this week, which is very disappointing. I was meant to go yesterday but didn’t finish with my YouTube video until 11pm. I should have done the majority of it on Tuesday, but well, I was talking to Cymric. I’ve been cooped up in my room these past two days, I should go to today’s comedy show. That cute bartender guy might be working tonight, but #SingleForAYear and whatnot. But a girl can look…

I mustn’t neglect being social. That is just as important as being unsocial. I’m an extrovert so being around others is important for me, while being alone and achieving shit is just as important. I’m actually going out tomorrow for a meal with my dance teachers and a group of others, then we’ll go to a salsa & bachata party. I’ll be getting my groove on. 

Do you know what Cymric said to me on Tuesday?! He said I was shit at dancing. I was like, what the actual fuck. Like you don’t say that to someone especially since they’d only taken TWO classes at that point. If anything, I’m actually really good and my teachers have been so impressed by how fast I’ve picked it up, in FOUR classes, that for an average person, it’ll take them six months to do what I can already do. Fuck him, in the nicest way possible, he’s still special to me. He apologised anyway. To be honest, that whole conversation was awkward. I actually just wanted to put the phone down. I just felt annoyed talking to him. Like his existence was irritating me. I was kind of downhearted. I wasn’t my usual cheerful, bubbly self that tends to boil over when I speak to Cymric. I was the opposite. But we obviously know why… 

I want all or nothing. If I can’t have all of him, then I want none of him. Simple.

I’ve never experienced that before. The all or nothing thing. But now that I have, I understand that having nothing is better than having something partial and the pain that comes along with it.

Letting something go really is the only option sometimes. And it takes people who choose to put their emotional wellbeing first to make such a move. It’s never easy. You need strength but all hurts eventually heal. Something partial is so much more destructive. It’s better to protect yourself and move on.

Dera first. That’s the only way.

* * *

It’s been a while since I’ve had to write out my feelings. I just haven’t had anxiety for a long time. But I’m no longer sleeping well and my heart won’t stop racing.

I know my sleep has been disturbed by thoughts of Cymric. Wishful thinking and whatnot. But I need to let that go now. Why my heart is racing is a mystery. Cymric again? Perhaps. I think this is becoming less about him and more about me finding someone. I know life has a funny way of happening. And surprisingly, I’m not even looking for anyone. If anything, I’m tying to avoid starting something with someone. But I feel like the type of guy that’s suited to me is rare. Like he probably doesn’t existing within a 100 mile radius of me. But it’s fine. I’m not worried about that.

* * *

Fuck me. I’ve figured it out I think. I just prayed to God to let this anxiety just stop. I’m tired of my heart beating hard against my ribs and sleep eluding me night after night.

But at least I know what it is so I can address it. Firstly, I fear that I’m always going to keep getting it wrong when it comes to guys. I can’t trust myself to see through the bullshit. To see through the toxicity of situations. I just feel like I see the good in people so much that it can blind me or delude me into thinking I have something great when really I don’t. But I guess that’s how you learn, right? Being in relationships and having them fail. I thought what Jomi and I had was the pinnacle of love but leaving him and looking back made me realise that what we shared just wasn’t what I wanted or needed. I thought mine and Igor’s relationship was, again, the pinnacle of something real because we had that sexual chemistry that Jomi and I lacked. But at the end of the day it wasn’t what I needed either.

What if I’m wrong about Cymric and I’m just idealising the whole situation? See, I’m questioning myself and probably overthinking. But it just makes me question my whole sense of reality. And perhaps my outlook is flawed.

I don’t want to think there’s something wrong with me. I always think there’s something wrong with me. And relationships have me going crazy. I really just need to be alone so that I can, like I said, try and get a grip on reality. Learn to be pragmatic. I want to work on that. Stop being so naive. But I guess when the right relationship comes along, I wouldn’t have to question my own sanity.

Pep talk?

I feel like I should tell myself that the same way I see beauty in people’s quirks and uniqueness, I should also see it in my own. That the way I view the world means I always bring about positivity and possibility. Seeing good doesn’t make me a bad person. It may make a fool and I may end up getting hurt by it, but it’s always nice being able to put your whole trust in someone. It makes for wholesome relationships. Even if it is one sided. But no one wants that either. But I need to remember that who I am is a good person. And being able seeing the potential in everything is what makes me special. I need to remember all that I’ve achieved from being me. The happiness and richness I’ve brought into people’s lives. I do good because it’s me. And I shouldn’t want to change that. People need to stop telling me what to do or how I should be. Yes I’ll get hurt, but I’ll only use that hurt to fuel my next adventure and it’ll be great. Like always. Don’t forget, MyBusiness came from heartbreak.

I’ll use my pain to change the world. This I promise

‘Never talking to you again was something I considered and resolved to doing. I don’t want to be naive or feel like I’m putting unrealistic expectations on something that isn’t even real. Or experiences that mean only something to me.

How do I know if what I feel is not something I’ve made up in my head to believe? How do I know that these simple moments in life are something I cherish more than anything while the other person doesn’t care at all? I just don’t know. And because I’m uncertain or I believe that it’s all one-sided, I have to back away and not put myself through something that’ll hurt me.

Being with you and then not being with you hurt me more than I ever thought an experience like that would. I felt like I got a taste of what it would be like to find ‘home’. And while it was nice, so nice, what if it all meant nothing to you?

I can usually separate my feelings from sexual experiences. If I want it to, sex can mean nothing to me. But this is bigger than just sex. It wasn’t just what we did, it was everything. It was you.

And after that, us being friends, I just couldn’t see it happening. Because I knew I’d feel that loss over and over again everytime we spoke. That rejection.

For me, it’s not that we can’t be friends because of what we did, it’s more because of what you represent. To me, our shared moments, from when you were in Deraland, to when I came to Cymricland, is an empty bowl of pistachios. And you are the store and you’re closed to me. I’m never going to have pistachios again and it actually really hurts! You’re going to stay forever closed to me because who the fuck wants to give Dera pistachios?

I don’t know what I mean to you…

I wrote this in my journal in the past:

“I do wonder what he considers me. Am I just a really good friend to him? I want to say that he wouldn’t consider me a sort of friend with benefits because there’s literally no potential for us to sleep with each other on account of him being miles away, but then why would he keep me as a friend? We’re clearly not just friends. Friends don’t do rough and tumble in the bedroom. So since it’s not entirely platonic and yet we’re in no position to sleep with each other, how does our relationship benefit him?!

I’m not saying he doesn’t value me as a person or that he doesn’t like talking to me, but the person Cymric is, he wouldn’t expend energy on something or someone for no reason. I just don’t understand, that’s all. It’s like we’re friends, with added benefits, yet those benefits aren’t accessible. I guess that just makes us friends full stop.”

But really, it just makes us nothing…

I wish you meant less to me. That’s the only way I’d feel 100% comfortable keeping you in my life. But for the past 2 years, you’ve meant a lot to me. You’ve been a presence I’ve relied on. But now I have to lose you, I don’t want to, but I know it’s the right thing, because keeping you as a friend and remembering everything we’ve shared will hurt.

After what happened, I just questioned my own naivety. Was I really so stupid to put my whole trust in you like that?

And I’m not talking about what happened in bed. The whole sexual experience is a minor to me. Actions are just actions. It’s the meaning that I hold to my heart.

I just feel like I expect too much from people and I end up disappointed.

I’m just tired of being disappointed. Of feeling like I’m the only person who cares. And I’m not saying you don’t care. But I see beauty in everything, in moments shared, in words exchanged, in vulnerabilities exposed. I see it in all.

And the way I view the world leaves me so exposed because I see it all and I believe it all. And I know that how I experienced everything was probably very different to how you did, so you may never understand. But I just want you to know that you were my friend.

And it was beautiful Cym.’

‘Dera, we lived, we laughed, we “loved” – to have fun – but now, our story has come to an end.
It’s hard to come back after a message like that, I’m not so poetic like you.

I cared about our time spent together, and you really got under my skin after your weekend here. It took me a while to get used to sleeping back alone.

I’ve learned something important after you were here – how much I want to be with someone and not be physically involved with them and feel free and understood.

I didn’t give you a chance because of how unrealistic that would have been because of the situation, the distance etc. I’m too realistic and I didn’t want to complicate things and hurt feelings, that’s why I was so distant.

It’s not pleasant, but you need to move on with your life, you have a good plan, go and get what you really want for your life.’

* * *

I just wanted it to mean something to him and it did. I’m glad that, for once, it wasn’t something I made up in my head.

I’m happy to let him go now. Sometimes closure is all that’s needed.

* * *

I’m finding myself asking whether I’d move for love. Would I do that for him? For me? That’s probably taking things too far. I know I’ve said this before about other guys, that I’ve never felt this way about someone, so if I said the same about Cymric would I be kidding myself?

I feel like I don’t know how to trust myself with what’s real. But if I feel it, then it must be real right? It still is true that I’d never felt for Jomi what I felt for Igor (that sexual connection) and similarly, I never felt for anyone what I felt for Cymric (that completeness). But does me acknowledging the differences in feelings for each of these guys negate what I experienced with them? Does what I shared with Igor count for nothing because I shared more with Cymric? I don’t think so.

Cymric is what should be. But dare I say it, I truly and honestly haven’t felt for another guy what I felt for him. Truly and honestly. There’s a rawness and hunger to the pain I feel from losing him that speaks volumes to how dear I held him. Missing Jomi was like missing a very good friend. And when I found friendship again, it was easy for me to let him go. But losing Cymric, it’s like losing something real. Something rare. There was a completeness to our relationship. It was mutual. Open and honest. The friendship was there but it was deeper than that. I wanted his mind. His amazing, amazing mind. I wanted his companionship, with nothing attached to it but innocence. While at the same time craving the touch of his body. I wanted him wholeheartedly. Nothing removed.

And he felt it too, I’m not crazy. So at least that counts for something. I’ll settle for that.

* * *

I must write about this. The whole story of Cymric and I. From the beginning. It’s such a beautiful tale yet so unfortunate at the same time. It’s a real story of bad timing, missed opportunities, friendship and most importantly, finding home. Or perhaps it’s more a case of something that was never meant to be. Either way, it’ll make you believe in the romance you read in books and see in movies.

You see, I was living my own little fairytale and I didn’t know.

This whole experience, albeit brief, made mine and Jomi’s relationship look like child’s play. I shared something special with Jomi, but really, just thinking about it, there was nothing adult about it. We loved each other, yes, but where was that passion? That longing? The vulnerability? In fact, where was the honesty? We were just two kids in love and I believe, if it was Cymric I was with for five years and had broken up with, I’d have crumbled into dust.

I was distraught throughout the day, but I’m doing ok now. I definitely still need to cry it out, but where I am, I’m just happy that I was fortunate to experience something real. You know what they say, ‘it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all’. It wasn’t love, or maybe it was, but we weren’t in love, either way, the loss of it still broke my heart to pieces.

Cymric and I both played it maturely by understanding that we couldn’t be friends anymore and accepting our fate, even though it did hurt like a bitch.

A man.

The thing that kills the most, and I said it weeks ago, was that I got a taste of something that had eluded me for so long, only to lose it straight away. But life goes on.

But there’s hope for us all…!

Anyway, when one door closes, a million windows open. One of the guys I met at my meetup created a piece of artwork for me then he asked me out to coffee. I somehow bypassed his question because #SingleForAYear. But can we just focus on the fact that he created artwork. For me! Amazing! I was so touched. I definitely needed a little boost last night after talking to Cymric. It’s just a shame I’m not really into him.

* * *

Time to write this story. *Trailing through WhatsApp messages from 2016*.

As I was on such a high yesterday that I was basically on another planet, I didn’t give much of a play by play of my day.

Basically I give off non-straight vibes. Nice! It doesn’t bother me. I know I rarely dress very feminine so I understand that. I am like a tomboy. I’m not fashionable, nor am I so concerned about my facial appearance (I care but I’m not obsessed). My nails don’t look nice, and I’d rather win guys over with nothing but charm, charisma and a sexy body (which I’m working on). I’m attractive so I really don’t do much to make myself look nicer. I’m enough as I am.

Anyway, Cymric called me while I was at my meetup. I’ll have to return his call today. Tell him EVERYTHING that’s been happening with me.

I also saw Tank this morning. He said I was annoying and that’s why he’s ignoring me. I’ve waved the white flag, extended the olive branch, called for a truce to no avail. It’s ok. He’ll get over it. He literally has no reason to be sad. All because I said he does nothing after work after he said I need to do more… Like all I did was a basic return to sender. Don’t know why that would have upset him so much. Anyway, for once I’m not blaming myself or beating myself up. I’ll let him feel whatever he wants to feel but if he continues to dwell on something that isn’t even a thing, then that’s his own personal problem. I have other things to think about.

This is the least loneliest I’ve felt in a long while. Even with Tank hating me. I just feel like I’m doing something worthwhile and it’s making me happy. I was so overjoyed to see everyone ease into conversation with one another. There was laughter and a certain familiarity amongst the group. It was nice. Even the really quiet ones eventually came out of their shell. This is what I live for!

I even embarked on a craft project yesterday. I will create a YouTube tutorial and upload it for publishing tomorrow. Might even do a quick photoshoot and write a blog post. Busy, busy!

I’ve stopped thinking about settling down and having kids. I think the trick is to keep yourself busy and surrounded by other people. I’ll be ok. 12 months will fly by!

But really, would I ever date a girl? I don’t know. I’m not so into women. I can appreciate a woman’s good looks and physical assets but apart from that, I have no desire to be with one. It’s only a man that can do to me what’s needed.

I know in our chat messages, Cymric said, ‘let’s catch up on the phone’, but I do wonder what he considers me. Am I just a really good friend to him? I want to say that he wouldn’t consider me a sort of friend with benefits because there’s literally no potential for us to sleep with each other on account of him being miles away, but then why would he keep me as a friend? We’re clearly not just friends. Friends don’t do rough and tumble in the bedroom. So since it’s not entirely platonic and yet we’re in no position to sleep with each other, how does our relationship benefit him?!

I’m not saying he doesn’t value me as a person or that he doesn’t like talking to me, but the person Cymric is, he wouldn’t expend energy on something or someone for no reason. I just don’t understand, that’s all. It’s like we’re friends, with added benefits, yet those benefits aren’t accessible. I guess that just makes us friends full stop.

Am I thinking too much about this? Anyway whatever. I’ll take what we’ve got. Friendship is good enough for me.

Can I just say how lovely and helpful having Ashton around at the meetup yesterday was. He was the life of the party and I was so grateful for that. He eased his way into discussions and could carry a conversation with just about anyone. He really did make my job a lot easier. It’s good having someone you know for moral support.

My meetup was a HUGE success. I cannot even deal! So many people turned up. The conversation was flowing, everyone was included. It was amazing. Apparently the reason for one person joining was because they saw it was a girl running the meetup since she didn’t want something where it was just white male guys doing nerdy things. The diversity in the turnout was amazing. There were a lot of women and just as many men. The age range varied, from young to middle aged, even the nationalities were many. I think having a BLACK GIRL running something like this gives people the confidence to join something that they may feel otherwise marginalised within. I AM SO HAPPY!!

I couldn’t have asked for something better. I tried to talk to every single person who turned up. I made sure people were getting involved. We even played old school console games. People left here and there and at the end there were a few of us young ones just sitting and chatting. We stayed out pretty late. It was nice. It really was. It was easy. As in, they were my people. I felt comfortable. I’m so proud of myself!!

We’ve discussed it and next meetup will be a trip to the cinema. I cannot even deal! Like I am amazed! I did that! Me!!!!! Omg…!! I took loads of pictures to commemorate my first ever meetup. High five to me!

I need to come down because I’m on a high right now and I want to read. If I try to read, I won’t be able to concentrate so I need to chill and accept that I did a good job. People were so happy! Ok reading time!

I’ve been feeling anxious for the past two days, so much so that I’ve been suffering from bouts of diarrhoea. I feel terrible. And I want to say that I can pinpoint exactly why I’m feeling like this but I really can’t.

There’s probably just so much going on with me that it’s not really a single thing that’s causing it.

Maybe it’s because I’m hosting 30 people tomorrow at my event. Or because I have to walk into a church full of people I don’t know. Or maybe I’m a little worried about mine and Tank’s little spat. Or perhaps this whole notion of being single for a whole year is scaring me.

It might not be any of these or it could be all.

But yes, Tank and I had a thing yesterday. I sent him the synopsis I wrote on my life and he said I should ‘do more write less’. I told him right there, no, that I like writing and it keeps me grounded. Then I went on to tell him how much I actually do, like what more does he expect from me? I told him I sit at my desk every night to write my business plan, I go to the gym, I run and organise events, I’m searching for a house, I create YouTube videos, I go to church, I go to salsa classes, like really, what more did he want me to do?

I then continued, saying, all because I may not put in my 100% at the company we both work at, it doesn’t mean I’m not putting it in elsewhere. The areas where he likes to work hard are different to mine but that by no means negates my hard work because it’s different to his. I go to work and then I come home and do more work and he goes to work then does nothing after. And so he shouldn’t paint me with his own brush.

He replied, ‘alright Dera’. Then a few hours later, he sent me a video of him at a social gathering and told me, ‘I do stuff I just don’t share’. Then I replied, ‘like socialising? Well done’. Then he again recounted, ‘I do it all the time I just don’t share’, then I said, ‘I’m happy for you’.

I’m not sure what to make of all that happened. It’s probably not what’s bothering me. But I do need to make sure we’re ok. I’ll call him later.

I know, 100%, that I’m worried about tomorrow’s meetup. I’ve ventured into unfamiliar territory and I’m a bit apprehensive. I want to believe that it’ll be a huge success but all I can do is wait and see.

I also reached out to Cymric. I gave him an update on my life. I’m no longer reeling from the “rejection”. The Italian asked me out again. I was at the gym (or rather I was still at home ignoring his message until I remembered I had to go to the gym). Anyway I went to the gym and I got sexy. Last time I did that whole gym thing, I saw noticeable changes in my body after 2 months. Back then, I lost so much fat. It was amazing. So I’m hoping in two months time, I can wear my high waisted skinny jeans without my belly spilling over.

I need to meditate. My stomach feels so uncomfortable and I want to leave for church soon so I need to feel better.