Best Friends With Life

I’m hopeless. A hopeless romantic. I’ve always known that I’m a big dreamer but I never realised it extended so much into my love life. It’s not every guy that I meet that I instantly believe is “the one”. There’s only been a distinct few that I’ve felt that way about, but at the time I have strong convictions that they are my person.

I don’t do things in half measures when it comes to life and love but it also means I don’t get hurt in half measures either. I get full on heart break. And it’s a risk I take to live my fairytale. But who doesn’t want to love and love hard? I love to love. It’s me. And I want to love.

I just need to be more cautious and not think every guy who’s nice to me is the love of my life. This is what happens when you grow up on books. Real life just stops being real and suddenly your life is a romance novel where at every turn is a potential Mr. Forever Person.

I’m going to work hard at being single. I’ll stay single for 12 months and then after that, after I’ve gotten a grip on reality I’ll start searching for my perfect match.

Dera’s Perfect Match

Synopsis

When she thought that maybe, finally, she had found the one, it all came crashing down around her. Dera is a bright and bubbly young woman, but when she met Igor, her life quickly spiralled into darkness. Having come out of a long term relationship that left her shattered, she soon realised that what she thought was love wasn’t at all what she came to find. From being burnt, Dera resolved to staying single for a whole year with hopes that her grandeur delusions of love would ease, allowing her to set for herself more realistic expectations.

As the days fly by and she issues out rejection after rejection, a year of singleness finally arrives and like clockwork, there he is, but is he everything she hoped for or has she once again pinned her unrealistic expectations on someone who was never meant for her?

Follow Dera on her journey of self-realisation, growth, friendship and love. 

This title will be released on March 1, 2019

Pre-order now.

* * *

It’s free comic book day today and I’m meeting up with some members of my meetup. I’m nervous! But at least it’s just four people, not the 29 that are coming on Monday, so this will ease me into being a host.

* * *

Today was amazing! Even though only one person from the meetup met up with me, when I got into the comic book store I found out my event had more reach than I thought. People who didn’t join the group or RSVP to the event turned up and even the owners spotted the event and thanked me for advertising it. They were happy to work with me and now I have my foot in that door! Future collaborations pending!

I am literally buzzing. I walked into the shop and more than one person knew about the event because of me and we all got into this huge dialogue and I ended up meeting more people. So all in all it was a success! See, I’m always creating community.

The guy who turned up is a bit older. Maybe in his 50s. But he was such good company. He was lovely, helpful and very supportive. I suggested we grab lunch and we just sat and chatted. I really appreciated his presence. It was such a huge success! Even though it was only one person, to me, that was more than enough! I’m terrible with groups so at least this eases me into things. I have an ally if I ever feel overwhelmed with things so it helps!

Now to tackle the big crowds on Monday. I’m ready. I’m confident.

I’m also feeling motivated to dabble a bit in my craft. I feel energised. This is the sort of social interactions I need. Where I can talk about books and life with people that can seamlessly go back and forth with me.

I’m so happy. Now I feel like this is all worth it. It’s so worth it! I want to capture this feeling everytime. It’s nice. Knowing that I brought people together for a single cause. Amazing!

I’m on such a high. I’m currently sat outdoors by the river. My friend Ashton is coming out with me so today should be a good day. I’ll read a book in the meantime… If I can even concentrate on it right now, that is.

Cymric…

I stumbled upon old chats from 2016 between me and Junior. Even old chats with Cymric too. My heart breaks because there was always this undercurrent of flirtation. In fact, undercurrent is an understatement. It was a full on fucking tidal wave!!

I actually forgot how much of mine and Cymric’s conversations were flirtatious. Probably all of it. I always remember how we were when we were physically together but never the words that were exchanged. He was always receptive to it all. I forgot that. There was a lot of complements and he asked me out quite frequently. I want all of that to mean something but I won’t be living in reality if I believe it does.

But he’s always been just a friend, right? That’s how I’ve always seen him. I liked him a lot as a person. A lot a lot. I always referred to him as a friend. Only a friend. I even stated clearly, in the past, that I wouldn’t date him. The same way he “rejected” me was the same way I “rejected” him. The only difference is that he did it to my face.

I have plenty of past conversations with people where I’ve said that Cymric and I don’t have that natural connection. That I don’t see him as anything other than a friend. So why am I so hurt? Is it just the fact that I got rejected? I don’t understand.

All I know now is that maybe I did want something more. But maybe that’s just me having an unrealistic view of what our relationship actually was/is.

I’m tired. I want to sleep. The Italian is still asking me out, but I don’t want to get involved with him. At what point do I block him?

I accidentally broke the Jupiter he gave me. It fell on the floor. Oops.

Anyway I need to stop being so butt hurt over Cymric. I spoke with a guy I know today and told him the whole story. He said I wasn’t even rejected properly, that it was all hypothetical and Cymric probably didn’t mean it that way. Perhaps. Maybe I just need to stop taking it so seriously. Maybe I need to stop hiding from him and just face him like an actual adult.

Boo! I’ll message him then.

I don’t want to message him and pretend everything is ok though. Let me just stop talking about him. It’s tiring. I’m tired.

Stuff actually happened today.

It was a busy day at work and the videographer came and did my little interview on the behalf of my university. I look forward to seeing the footage. I wore makeup and everything. 

I have my first, but not official, meetup for my sci-fi and fantasy group tomorrow. I’ll meet some of my members and hopefully it’ll be fun.

I need to meditate. Make sense of shit that I’ve chosen not to think about. It’s about time I thought about it so I can make an adult decision to face my fears and message Cymric telling him we can’t be friends anymore or conclude that I’m just overreacting.

* * *

I need to stop thinking about what could have been and focus on what was.

I had a weekend where I was with someone I cared about. Whose company I enjoyed. I shouldn’t allow anything to take away from that experience. Especially my hopes for a future that was probably never for me.

Because I get along with someone doesn’t mean we should be together. And I see that I do this with most guys whose company I especially enjoy. Once upon a time I thought I was going to marry Robin. Igor was my supposed forever person and Cymric was a love that could have been but just wasn’t.

Now look where they are. Robin and I are just friends and I feel nothing more for him than friendship. Igor I won’t even consider a friend. And Cymric, well…

I need to set realistic expectations for myself and stop living in a fairytale.

Cymric is right. If he was here we probably wouldn’t be together. I was tempted by the sweetness that weekend brought but on any normal day, me and him probably wouldn’t be together. It’s nice to have people you feel comfortable around. It’s even nicer to have them as a friend. So a friend he is and a friend he shall stay.

I need to stop getting swept off my feet by basic manners. I’m hopeless…

So a guy I work with called Brown came over to my desk for a quick natter. So there is history between me and this guy. Nothing explicit. But probably a year before he started working at my workplace we met. Online. On a dating site. We talked here and there. I eventually ghosted him because he’d take at least two days to reply to my messages. 

I met him once while he was still working in the Apple store. My friend had an iPhone and I said we should pretend it was broken so we could go into the store and see him. Anyway I saw him and wasn’t impressed in the slightest. He wasn’t for me. 

Anyway months later I turn up at work and there he is. Shocker! And awkwardness. 

This is my life through and through.

So today we got talking and found out we were into the same things, like anime, sci-fi, fantasy, rock music, etc. Another black person who is like me! He told me his friends are also into the same things and I was like, wow! They exist. So I told him to bring me into his friendship circle. So here’s hoping I actually make black friends who share the same interests as me.

The last time I really had a community of black nerds was in university. How I miss it so. I belonged.

I’ve really struggled with penetrating the black community here in Deraland. Hopefully Brown is that door.

Do you know why I named him Brown? So I think he noticed I hung around with white colleagues a lot and probably assumed I was dating one of them. Anyway he started asking me questions like whether I’d switched to the other team, i.e. started dating white people. Then as our conversation concluded, he told me to ‘stay brown’ – basically telling me not to forget my roots (as a black person). Ok.

I was shocked. Like I can date whoever the hell I want. Me staying “brown” doesn’t get negated by the fact that I spend time with white people. Anyway, my next boyf will probably be white. Brown’s opinion is irrelevant. 

I’ve been feeling a little bit melancholic. I think just reading or watching romantic shit just reminds me of my own singleness. I’m comfortable single. And I know I keep saying that. I’m not trying to convince myself otherwise. But my dream is still to fall in love and settle down – that doesn’t make me a weak person.

I’m just holding tight because my person will come along. I’ve only been single a month so I need to be patient. 

So it occurred to me that I’ve never had properly intimate sex with someone I was in love with.

With Jomi, yes we were in love, we had sex, but it wasn’t so connecting and deep. With Igor, we connected but I wasn’t in love with him. I really do wonder what deep connecting sex would feel like in a loving relationship. One day I’ll know.

Anyway, I’m buying a house! I have a viewing tomorrow. My parents have been really pushing me to find somewhere but I’ve been reluctant. But now that I have a viewing, I’m actually so excited! I’ll have my own space, something and somewhere that is mine. And I can get a pet!! Amazing!

I also need to learn how to drive. I’ve done 20 hours of lessons but I seriously need to get a move on, so that’s up there on the agenda.

I literally have so much going on, I have no excuse to be complacent.

• Buying a house
• Learning to drive
• Running a meetup
• Creating YouTube content
• Indulging in my craft
• Starting a fashion line
• Going to the gym
• Partaking in church activities

I’m too much of a Jack of all trades, but I can do it all and succeed while I’m doing it.

* * *

One memory of Tank from last week keeps springing to my mind and cracking me up.

Backstory: Tank and I usually go out for an hour long walk after lunch and each time we take different routes to mix things up.

This particular day, I asked Tank which direction he wanted to go in and he answered the shortest route so he could get away from me as soon as possible.

I threw a strop and was like, ‘fine! I’m not walking with you anymore’ then refused to walk anywhere near him, making sure I was at least 20 steps behind him. He too refused to move and kept turning round to beckon me forward.

I told him I’d only walk with him if he said ‘I want to be in your presence’. He was like no, that he wasn’t going to get told what to do and then instead said, ‘I want to walk with you’ before defiantly adding that he didn’t have to say what I asked of him, but he’d say it his own way instead.

It made me smile and I went and joined his side.

It’s a cute little memory. ‘I want to walk with you’. How quaint.

That’s my quote of month!

Got it!!

Funnily enough, my favourite quote is:

Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.

– Albert Camus

This really does tie into mine and Tank’s friendship. Maybe that’s why his little comment makes me smile so much.

I reached out to Igor today and we briefly met for coffee. Regardless of what was or wasn’t said, the only thing I took away from it was that he blames me completely and nothing was his fault. Needless to say, I won’t be reaching out to him again. I make it sound like it was a hostile rendezvous. It was pretty civil and we were kind to each other – so civil in fact, that he spoke to me as if I was a stranger. He had an air about his voice as if he was the king of the world and had to keep shit formal. Anyway that chapter’s closed. I never mind being seen as the villain in a break up, because each party will blame the other, inevitably. What’s annoying is that he doesn’t even want to take part of the blame. At least I was willing to hold my hands up and say that I played my part. But whatever.

Cymric said people like Igor create toxic situations. They play the victim card and use blame to manipulate. That he did to me plenty times. And I’d always feel bad and reconsider the situation. That’s why it took about a million years for us to break up properly. One of my first journal entries I wrote about him was on how I was annoyed because he was telling me shit like ‘I shouldn’t be interested in him. I have other friends to focus on’, bla, bla, bla. Painting himself the poor victim and unsuspecting Dera, of course, falling for it. He can apportion blame anyhow he wants. I’m past caring. 

I’m not a fucking saint, but it’s funny how all my problems suddenly alleviated the moment I got rid of him. I fucking blame him and rightly so!

I thought it would be nice to catch up but if anything, I think this just makes me dislike him even more. I was right, I can’t be friends with this guy. Time to cancel him.

#CANCELLED!

I feel like I create drama for myself. Especially when nothing scandalous is happening in my life. Now I have something to vent about.

* * *

So regarding Cymric… If he ever messages me, do I respond or do I do that ghosting thing that millennials and generation Z’ers seem to be so fond of? I mean, for someone who gets ridiculously hurt from losing people, the way I am happily throwing away loved ones is concerning. Am I ok?

I actually don’t want him to reach out. I know I definitely won’t…

But what do I tell him? ‘Oh, well you see Cymric, it’s either we carrying on being “friends” where I secretly detest you for giving me one of the most pleasurable moments of my life while simultaneously rejecting me or I never talk to you again and I move on with my life not having to face the rejection every time we talk.’

There’s only one right answer.

Word of advice journal: Never sleep with a guy you want to keep around. Unless they’re Robin. You can sleep with Robin.

I didn’t sleep with Cymric and even if I had we still could have been friends, had I not asked that question and been rejected. So in a way, it is my fault, but at least I know.

‘If you weren’t in Cymricland, do you think you and I would be together?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Like, if you were still living in Deraland’

‘No’

Nice.

(At least he was honest. Got to give credit where credit is due. Doesn’t stop me from being bitter though).

* * *

And right on cue he messages me to thank me for returning a package he ordered that I couldn’t bring with me to Cymricland. I said, ‘no worries’. And that’s that.

I’m taking two days off from the gym. I went on Saturday and Sunday and my whole body is crying out no. Even my legs are still suffering from last week’s ordeal.

I need a quote for May. I really liked April’s, ‘Don’t paint me black when I used to be golden’. Somehow, for some reason, it speaks to me. I don’t know why. Perhaps because I have such a bright personality, akin to the sun, but I have had moments when I’ve spiralled into darkness. I don’t wanted to be painted with a brush that brands me as a depressive person when that isn’t me at all. I need to guard myself from external triggers, like from, for example, he who has been cancelled.

* * *

I’ve food poisoned myself. I ate a salmon pasta that’s been in the fridge for like 3 weeks. I knew this would happen but I went along with it anyway.

But moving on, while I die inside, I’m thinking about Igor and the victimisation of himself. How he shifts the blame to me, and me being the biggest self-blamer, accepting it and thinking everything is my fault. I knew there was a reason I was so miserable with him but I could never actually say why.

There are many instances that I may or may not have recorded in my journal (maybe I was too busy looking within for the cause that I wasn’t paying much attention elsewhere, i.e. to he who has been cancelled) where he has shifted the conversation to somehow blame me for how I’m apparently always blaming him. There was one time where I hadn’t said a single negative thing about him, in fact, I hadn’t said anything about him, and somehow he found a way to bring up the fact that I’ve never appreciated him, that I always do one bad thing or another, etc. And I was like wtf… Like everything he was saying was so irrelevant to the conversation and of course, I would argue back and shit would spiral.

Like do you remember, journal, when he got annoyed at me for going to bed because nothing was happening and how he said it was because I was “angry” that he was talking to his friends, when I really didn’t give two shits. Then he got annoyed at me for being annoyed when I wasn’t even annoyed and then that escalated. Fuck I wish he could see what he was doing to me. I don’t know if he ever realised.

Then the one instance I didn’t fight back, where I just said, ‘I can’t be bothered’, he proceeded to write me an essay telling me how terrible I am. I replied, ‘ok’, because I was tired. Yes, it was tiring. He was draining my emotional energy and I no longer had the strength to fight back. That’s when he left me alone. Or else I would have been strung along forever.

I want to go back through my journal and see how many instances this has happened that I never realised. I need to stop looking within myself for faults and understand that when I’m not myself, it’s not necessarily because of me.

* * *

Reading back, I did blame myself a lot and I was always trying to justify my behaviour. I blamed my past, I blamed my insecurities, I blamed everything to do with me. But I’ve read multiple passages where I’ve said he always thinks I’m blaming him or I try to explain something to him and he’d think I was using that as a personal attack towards him. I never clocked on to his manipulation. I always fell for it.

Am I so hopeless that I’d be so duped easily?

Anyway, I’m ridiculously unwell and now know not to eat old fishy pasta. Fuck my life.

I don’t know if I can be friends with Cymric anymore. It’s strange because I slept with Robin yet we still remained friends. I think the difference is in the fact that I want Cymric in a way that I haven’t wanted someone before. But who knows? Who cares? Either way, I may have to let this one go. 

* * *

I am yearning to settle down. I haven’t felt this compulsion so strong before. It’s different to wanting just companionship. I want a husband. I want a family. I want these things but with the right person. And I know that if I want it to be right, I have to wait. So wait I will wait. And when it happens, it’ll happen right.

I don’t like dating for fun. For me, it’s forever or nothing. I just worry about my naivety and how I can fall victim to dishonest intentions so easily. I need to be careful. 

I went to church today. It was just nice seeing a community of people come together for a greater cause. Feeling like you have no one was spoken about quite a bit. It struck a cord, because oftentimes I do feel alone and today I was reminded that I am not alone and that God is with me. I did shed a tear or two, because I don’t want to feel that way. But I do. And being an outcast is something that I’ve accepted but maybe it shouldn’t be?

I know I keep saying it, but it really does mean so much to me. Tank has been a great blessing to my life. He came at a time when I was feeling my lowest and he picked me up with his kindness, acceptance and questionable sense of humour. Because of him, I feel like I have a sense of belonging. And it’s nice. But I can’t pin all my expectations on one person.

So perhaps I do need that community that church brings. I’m already putting myself out there. I’ve joined the gym, I’m about to leave for Salsa class (then will go to the gym straight after), I’ve started my meetup, also working on a clothing line will force me to go to events where I will meet new people.

I’m doing all the right things, I just hope it yields good results.

* * *

I wish I’d seen Linkin Park live. I’m watching live performances on YouTube and just wow.

I’m just thinking about my childhood and I never did anything or went anywhere. I wonder if my childhood was stifled. Maybe that’s why I have no friends. I see people who went to school together remaining friends for years and years. I’ve never maintained such long standing friendships ever. I never really built that outside-of-school relationship with anyone. I went to birthday parties and cinema days with friends, but they were rare and definitely not enough to form close best friendships with anyone.

I wish I’d gone to concerts as a child. I feel like seeing Linkin Park is such a missed opportunity. Especially now that Chester is dead. Heartbreaking really. I don’t know. I know there’s more to life than having friends. But do you understand how much it feels like a curse to be such a friendly person, so outgoing and open and so very willing to go above and beyond, but yet still feel so alone and misunderstood?

Yes, life goes on, people go their separate ways, but it’s literally only me who hasn’t been able to maintain a close friendship with at least one person from their childhood. Everyone else seems to manage it. But not me. Even friends from university, apart from Junior and Sana, where are they? I don’t want to keep thinking about my own loneliness. I’m already starting to get whispered thoughts of maybe killing myself in my head, and that’s not a road I want to go down. I refuse to be depressed over this. It’s not even a big deal. But I can’t help feeling maybe there’s something wrong with me? Why can’t I keep anyone in my life?

It begs the question of whether I’ll ever actually have anyone in my life forever. I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

So, I ask again, I’ll always be that girl on the outside looking in, right?

* * *

My heart is so broken and I’m scared I’ll do something stupid. All I want to do is run away from my thoughts but they’ll forever be with me. I wish I could see past the fog and understand that beyond my periphery view are all those that love me. But I just want to hide away.

I truly am all alone.

So Tank and I went to have our facials today. It was good! We both walked into the room and were told to strip down so that our shoulders were exposed. So I had to take my top off and stand there in my bra, while he went topless. I was cracking up because that shit had the potential to be awkward but it was just funny.

Anyway despite all that, we had a very nice joint facial where the woman took turns to do facial stuff to our faces. Some couple shit that was. Then we went to a book shop to peruse the shelves, walked around some clothes stores, ate pizza and then went our separate ways. It was a good day.

My attractiveness has gone back up. I look good! I think it’s a self esteem thing. I probably don’t look any different to how I did yesterday but today, I’m clearly perceiving myself very differently.

I’m going to church tomorrow, or at least I’m going to try to remember to go to church. I want to give it a go. Let’s see if I can stick to this.

* * *

So I was just thinking about mine and Cymric’s almost-sexcapade and I realise that I’ve come a very long way with sex. I used to be a static brick being ploughed. But now I fully participate. I moan. I dirty talk. I move my body. And I enjoy myself. There really is a massive contrast between me now and me a few years ago.

I never used to enjoy sex. It was just something I did. And most of the time, I’d rather not do it. It was boring, it didn’t feel good and it was a chore more than anything. But being with Igor really opened me up to my sexuality. He worked with me to get me to a place where I actually felt comfortable and got wet. And he gave me the best sex of my life. Sex that I actually enjoyed. For once!

Jomi wasn’t or isn’t a bad person. And I don’t think we were sexually incompatible. I think there’s potential to enjoy sex with anyone. As long as both parties are willing to open themselves up to the moment and lay themselves bare. It’s a vulnerability. You think me telling Cymric to have his way with me, or him slapping my arse or putting his hands to my throat and me allowing and liking it doesn’t take vulnerability?! You think him allowing his raw insatiable hunger for vagina overcome his senses doesn’t take vulnerability?

Humans in a lustful state is not something we show to the world. It “reduces” us to an animalistic version of ourselves. So it’s not something we show our families or friends. It’s almost shameful if we do and so it’s something that stays within the private moments of our lives. It’s intimate and intimacy takes vulnerability.

I’ve learnt to be ok with my sexuality. It was a struggle. Because I already had this deep rooted belief that I was broken. I was already defeated. And being with someone who never expressed their innate sexual desire made me feel like there was something wrong with me. But I know there were wild things within Jomi that he’d want to play out, but he was always so placid (and sometimes even flaccid) during sex. That did a lot to destroy my self confidence when it came to sex.

I had to build it up after I broke up with him. I slept with guys casually to prove to myself that I wasn’t broken and lo and behold, my vagina worked. I got wet at the touch of a finger. Sex didn’t feel like a task on a checklist. It felt pleasurable.

That rawness. That hunger in Cymric was all it took. We didn’t even have vaginal sex. But that moment. The fire. It was something worth remembering. Because that right there was some real shit. It was wild and rough. It was two humans connected in a moment of vulnerability. And that was enough.

* * *

I actually have ‘going to church’ and ‘having wild sex’ in the same entry. God forgive us all.

I look at people and I notice their little quirks. Random habits, or the way they move, and it makes me smile. I like it. It’s like a trademark. A stamp of authenticity that says, ‘this is me’.

* * *

I’m trying to expand on my chosen target market for my clothing brand; their personalities, lifestyle, values, etc. Although I’m absolutely knackered, doing this is better than laying in bed thinking about how alone I am. Being idle really is dangerous. Your mind starts to wander into territories that it shouldn’t even come close to visiting. That’s why I’m currently sat at my desk trying to work on my business plan.

I spoke briefly to a drunk Tank, he’s funny. He decided to tell me his favourite Elvis Presley song: Can’t Help Falling in Love. Then he proceeded to regurgitate his favourite quote. Such a strange boy. Anyway, our facial has been booked for tomorrow. We’re going to pretend we’re a couple so the people there don’t think he’s gay. Hahaha he said we should walk in hand in hand then he’ll say, “I’m here with my heterosexual girlfriend”. What a loser hahahaha!

Anyway, I’ve been thinking, and I really don’t think I’m cut out to be single. I’m ok alone. I’m happy alone, but I’m just itching to settle down and start a family. I’ve never gotten the desire so strongly in recent times. I’ve actually stopped wondering when and how I’d meet my forever. I just don’t see how I can meet someone – I don’t go anywhere or do anything – which is an absolute lie. I go everywhere and do everything, but that doesn’t mean I’ll meet people.

I started this meetup to make friends who would be like me. And I’m not even celebrating my success of getting 20 people to RSVP to my first event. I just feel like I’m not doing enough or I haven’t done enough.

Man, I’m so sleepy.

And my body is bruised. Leg day in the gym on Wednesday equals muscle soreness all day Thursday and Friday. I’ve been waddling around because it just hurts to move. I look ridiculous. But it will get easier. Once my body becomes accustomed to it again.

I haven’t been feeling attractive recently. I’ve been looking ok. My skin has cleared up and I’m definitely not as repulsive as I was a few weeks ago but I still don’t see that sexy Dera that I used to know. I think how you perceive yourself physically is directly proportional to your self esteem. I remember when I was single just before meeting Igor and I was feeling and looking 10 out of 10. Maybe just the realisation of my otherness has left me feeling a little bit emotionally raw.

But moving on… I’ve started doing this thing in the shower where I start off with nice warm water before switching it up to a shocking blast of cold water. It’s horrible and I don’t know why I do it, but apparently there are health benefits so why not? I’m a fucking weirdo. I do many things just because, without having a concrete reason why.

I think I’m going to get into my bed and… sleep. I wanted to say read, but I’m actually too tired to do that.

Yesterday, I went to the gym. The body survived but I’m definitely not at the level that I used to be at. I used to be able to complete a round of high intensity interval training without dying, but yesterday I died. It’s ok, I’ll get back there. It’ll take time but I’ll be on top form soon enough.

I have a lot to be getting on with in my life now. Things regarding my sci-fi & fantasy meetup, my clothing line business plan, my craft and YouTube channel, the gym and social activities with friends. Tank and I are going for our facial this weekend so I’ll need to find somewhere suitable for our needs. I also want to start reading before bed. I did that last night – I finished one book and moved onto the next. It was nice.

Actually last night after returning from the gym, showering and reading, I meditated. Around 11:40pm I closed my eyes and started practicing my mindfulness. I then opened my eyes to find that it was 1am in the morning and I had unwittingly dozed off. Ha!

Last weekend is just a reverberation in the deepest part of my mind. Sometimes I find myself cringing when the memories find their way into the forefront of my mind but for the most part, I do not to think about it, nor do I talk to Cymric.

Like I said, I have a lot to be getting on with. Boys are cancelled this 2018. I say that, but guaranteed I’m going to meet someone tomorrow, fall in love and live happily never after. But really, I don’t need anyone right now. I’ve fulfilled my friendship/relationship quota with Tank. He’s all I need right now. I’m really happy. We don’t even talk to or see each other that often (outside of work) but just knowing there is someone out there who doesn’t find me deplorable is all the comfort I need.

* * *

I went to a young professionals meetup and now I feel suckish. It was a huge group of people in smaller clusters talking to one another. It’s just such a shame I wasn’t in the mood today. And now I feel my incompatibility more than anything.

I know how to talk to people, but it’s not the sort of conversation that leaves you best friends at the end of it. I just don’t click with people straight away. I talk to people and I just don’t feel energised by it. I feel daunted by the groups and I just can’t be bothered. So I leave after a short amount of time.

It’s not the first time I’ve been to these meetups. I tend to usually have a good time and meet people, especially when I’m in the mood. But I wasn’t feeling it today. I don’t think it’s the right way for me to make friends.

And I’m not feeling too great. It’s that time of the month and my internals hurt.

I need a hug.

I saw Igor today at work and we briefly exchanged pleasantries. It was nice talking to him. But that’s it. It was nice.

It’s just one of those days where I want nothing more than to be alone with a book but also to have someone there giving me snuggles.

Mmm books and snuggles.

But for real, I’ll always be that girl on the outside looking in, right?

* * *

I’m the complete opposite to what I *should* be. I’m a black girl who loves fantasy. Who can’t go a day without diving into a world full of magic and monsters. I’m a black girl who listens to rock music. With the more screaming the better. I’m a black girl who dresses tomboyish because she’s not entirely comfortable with her large chest. I’m a black girl who is weird AF. Who doesn’t always make sense but there’s a lot more than meets the eye.

I’ve always been different – this I know. But when it comes to finding my place in the world where I fit in outside of a relationship, this has become more obvious.

Being in a relationship where I was with someone who understood me and was home to me in every way kept me shielded from my otherness. Now it’s just glaring obvious.

I started my sci-fi & fantasy meetup with hopes that I’d meet people like me. Because it’s not exactly the average everyday guy who you’d expect to show up. Fantasy for me, especially books and games, is an escape. An excursion to a world that isn’t your own. And I think you need to be a special type of outcast to really get that. You can form special bonds with the characters that you can’t necessarily do with people in real life. You can live your life through the eyes of another and not concern yourself with your own troubles. Real life is too mainstream, as I like to say.

It’s actually nice to see girls, especially ethnic minority girls, join my meetup. I’m not so alone in my love for the weird and wonderful.

But I do live my truth. I don’t hide who I am or what I’m interested in but when encountering the everyday person, I’m not necessarily going to be having conversations about screamo emo music and dragons, am I?

And sometimes it’s not even the music or the fantasy that bonds me to people. I mean, come on, as if Tank is into anything I’m actually into. It’s just our ability to talk about nothing and everything at the same time. To talk about our interests and not feel judged. I don’t know. It’s weird. Because we’re different but it still feels easy with him.

Maybe that’s what it is. We’re both different, so we understand. We find it easier to accept each other. We can bask in our differentness together. And so it’s easy.

Yeah… I think that’s what it is…

Ok Journal, I’m going to tell you a secret. Only because I’m very excited about it. I’m starting a clothing line. Ok fine, it’s not a secret, everyone has been telling me to do this for a long while, but every time I start, I lose hope because I can never find that thing that my brand will encompass.

Every time I try to brainstorm, I always write down, ‘what does my brand represent?’ and I’ll never have an answer because I didn’t know. What I did know was that I wanted my brand to channel me. To embody everything I am. But I didn’t know who I was.

But these past few weeks I’ve realised, I’m an outcast. I’m misunderstood. I’m different. I’m weird. I’m individualistic. I’m quirky. I’m non-conforming. I’m incompatible with the world. I’m not perfect. I have my flaws. But I’m Dera. That’s who I am. And so that’s what my brand will represent. A brand for the individual. A brand that celebrates quirks; the things that make you most unusual.

All the garments I design will be asymmetric in nature. No two sides will be the same, be it the front and back sides or the left and right sides. Asymmetric, as no one is perfect. My brand name translates to ‘beautiful’ and it’s what makes us different that also makes us beautiful. It’s fucking perfect! That’s my message.

Be your imperfect self.

Also, since I’m a fantasy fanatic, fantasy will be my muse. There are so many weird and wonderful shapes within the fantasy landscape and I know I’ll have many avenues to draw inspiration from.

See, this brand is everything I am. It really is me. I’ve never seen myself plastered so clearly within something. I’ve decided to focus on occasion wear in the form of dresses, tops, bottoms, one pieces targeting the mid-range/high-end market.

The hard work starts now. No playing around.

Let’s do this motherfuckers!