Best Friends With Life

Today I was completely honest with Igor and told him that I’d lost hope in our relationship. I’m tired of holding back my truth and have it eat me up inside because I want to preserve someone else’s feelings.

I just needed him to know how I felt. I don’t want to be inadvertently lying to him. He asked me if I was still attracted to him and I told him that I liked him as a person but the feelings that I had at the beginning have gone now.

I let him know that I didn’t want to lie to him and let him think everything is perfect with us when my heart isn’t in it. However, I’m willing to see if anything will change but I’m not promising him that things will change. I’ll stay for now and see what transpires but as far as I can see, I’m just not that into him (anymore). There’s too much bad blood between us and it’s hard to let go of the rockiness of our very young relationship.

Cymric on the other hand…

Today he asked me to do a personality test to find out what personality type I am. I’ve done them many times and already knew what I was. I’m an ENFP. Cymric is an INTJ and you’ll never guess the natural partner for an INTJ? An ENFP! (And vice versa of course). He sent it to me saying “I guess this is how we managed to be friends”, to which I replied, “Told you you’d marry me”. Yeah yeah, flirty flirty but it makes sense. I can see it. Cymric is a very private person and he’s not wont to being open and friendly to people who he doesn’t genuinely care about. But the fact that he openly welcomed the idea of me visiting him in his home country, staying at his place, taking the day off for me and even making plans for my time there shows that I actually mean something to him.

In fact, he’s the first friend that I’ve ever travelled to visit. I don’t even visit friends in the same country as me but I’m taking a whole plane to go and see this guy. There’s definitely something there. I don’t want to jump and make assumptions but looking back, I’ve seen how I’ve been a calming force to him and him to me. He infuriates me but when we make up it feels really good. I get to see a side of him that people seldom see. He sort of reminds me of my ex fiancé. Except my fiancé took the whole emotionally detachment to a whole new level that affected our romantic relationship.

But it doesn’t matter. I have a boyfriend and I respect our relationship enough to not entertain the idea of another guy just yet. If I want to pursue anything with Cymric, I’ll end it with Igor. But the way things are going, I don’t see us lasting for very long.

But let’s see…

To be together or to not be together?

He’s my biggest trigger ever. And I don’t know how being with him while I’m working on overcoming my shit will affect me. Will it accelerate the healing process by constantly having my buttons pushed or will it cause me to spiral again?

Who knows? Either way, a decision needs to be made.

Now that I’m single, I have to figure out what to do with myself. It’s not like I’ve never been single before, but for real, I want to be properly single. Like long term. 6 months at least.

I’m already quite busy with my craft but it’s not everyday I’ll be working on a project. I could join the gym again – get sexy. I have definitely started getting a bit chubs. I think that’s what I’ll do, join the gym.

It would be nice to have a friend to hang out with though.

* * *

Life is itching to be single when you’re with someone and itching to be with someone when you’re single. I’m going down the “will I ever find anyone?” path. I need to remember that after I broke up with my ex, I met an Igorian. And after the Igorian I will meet my next ex (or actual forever-person). But it’s the not knowing when that sucks.

I just wonder if I’ll be bored or lonely.

Anyway that’s something to not think about. I just don’t want to start worrying. Life’s spontaneity is what I love the most so I need to just embrace the not knowing and take it as something exciting.

* * *

So I’m reading about emotional triggers again. Maybe I just never realised I was being triggered and so didn’t do well in negative situations. It’s not Igor’s fault. It never was. It’s all me feeling the way I feel because of some obvious past trauma… Whatever that is…

This is something that I have to work on. Really. If I want a real, intimate relationship with anyone I need to understand that it’s not always going to be rosy and arguing doesn’t mean I’m unwanted or disliked.

Poor Igor. He still wants me but I think maybe we just need space from each other to reevaluate ourselves in the relationship. Taking time out from him made me realise maybe there are deep rooted issues that mostly have nothing to do with him. I can put our past arguments into perspective and see that maybe sometimes I was irrational.

Should I or nah? I want to be better. But do I want to be better with him? That is the question…

* * *

I want to do an exercise where I think about all the situations that have gotten me triggered. I’ll first try and pinpoint certain memories then I’ll put them in chronological order if I can – maybe I can find the root cause.

I’ve figured it out. It’s my biological dad. My mum told me that when I was a baby, maybe like three or four, I used to ask every man I met if he was my father. That just sounds like such a sad thing for a little bubba to go through. And perhaps that’s something that’s stuck with me throughout my development into an adult. Children are so susceptible to their surroundings that as an adult you may not even be aware of the things you’ve absorbed. I don’t remember asking those men that question as a child but it happened and it shaped me.

I have many opinions of my biological father. Something that I don’t usually have of anyone so maybe he did affect me more than I want to admit. It’s sad. He did this to me. He still continues to haunt me even though he walked out on me before I could barely walk.

Funnily enough, he walked into my life when I was 20 and walked right back out two years later. As annoying as it is to admit it, it was probably him all along. From me not feeling accepted in friendship groups as a young child, to me feeling unwanted by every man who’s ever wanted me.

Such a sad realisation. I could never do that to my own child. I need a man who will stay by my side until the end of time.

The next step is to forgive the douch. It’s hard. Why should he be forgiven when he’s a complete dick?

I need to let go of this. I do. I can only feel sorry for baby Dera. Imagine the sadness that must have ripped through her when all of the men she asked told her they weren’t her father. That constant rejection over and over again. Poor kid.

Now that I’ve deduced the cause, maybe I can understand where the hurt is coming from and work on remembering that these people triggering me are not my biological father.

I don’t want to forgive him, but I have to…

Fuck me.

Wow, what a terrible night. A colleague was hosting leaving drinks last night, which I attended. Suffice it to say, I drank a little bit too much. I then ended the night with a kebab that just shouldn’t have been eaten.

I ended up awake at 3am with alcohol doing its damage nicely. I literally felt sick and the kebab didn’t help in the slightest. Never again am I drinking on a weeknight. I should have known better. Silly me.

I spoke to my good friend Cymric last night. I’ve actually booked a flight to go and visit him in his home country. I can’t wait to see him. I’m literally so excited. We spoke for ages like we usually do. I updated him on my life and he spoke words that just always seem to make sense. I’m in two minds about seducing him, but I shouldn’t date friends. And I really like him as a person – I wouldn’t want to ruin that.

Cymric is a good guy. He’s one of the people I trust so much. When he was here in Deraland, him and I used to go out a lot. We’d dance, we’d sit and chat, we’d just have fun. I miss his presence in my life. It will be so good to see him again.

I’m just trying to surround myself with people who I know care about me. Remind myself that my perception of what is isn’t actually true. I’m going to see friends and spend time with family and just stay away from people who don’t make me feel good about myself.

I’m always able to find happiness in myself, which is a good thing. I just need to feel that I’m not so alone in this big world.

Cymric is that first step.

* * *

I’m not sad about Igor. I guess my heart was never really in it. Or I didn’t let it. Either way, I’m doing ok. I’m out from my depressive slump and I only see good things happening from here on out. Exciting times!

I’m nervous for the YouTube video I’m releasing today. I really need it to propel my numbers. I’m going to keep my fingers crossed and see what happens.

Also, I still feel sick to my stomach…

I had to leave for the sake of my mental health. I realised the relationship triggers me so much. I was reading up on emotional triggers and came across this:

No matter how minor or irrational the issue seems to you, ignoring or minimizing, cutting your partner off mid-sentence, countering with your own complaint or opinion, or worst of all calling your partner crazy will trigger the feeling that you don’t respect your partner. It doesn’t matter if you do respect your partner. And it doesn’t matter what you did yesterday to show it. Bring that up, and you’ll trigger a follow-up explosion, because now you want credit for your generous, loving, and selfless gift.

Also, be aware that offering to make amends or fix a problem without fully hearing the problem has the same effect as dismissing the problem. And sometimes, a minor problem doesn’t require a response—only a patient, listening ear and acknowledgment of your partner’s feelings.

Dismissal triggers a predictable, destructive pattern of dysfunctional communication that worsens conflict by attempting to avoid it.

That’s basically me and Igor. I don’t think I can be with him. It’s not his fault. He just doesn’t know what he’s unintentionally doing to me. If I try and tell him, he’ll think I’m blaming him and it’ll turn into an argument. And arguments are the last thing I need right now – they only add to the problem.

* * *

My triggers are mine and mine alone. It’s something that I need to deal with if I want to be with him. But to avoid being continuously set off I need time away from this relationship, it’s not good for me.

I don’t know how to stop hurting. Life just hurts. I feel so alone and I don’t know how to stop all this pain.

Yesterday I spiralled. I went to the river. I wanted to die.

I have nowhere I feel safe. I have no consistency. Even my own boyfriend triggers me. He’s meant to be my safe place and he’s not. I’m just hurting so much.

I know why people self harm. The emotional pain gets too much and you just want something tangible to focus on. Something constant. Something that’s yours.

I want to scream. Shout. I want to feel safe. Safe in someone. But I’m alone. I can’t think of anyone to turn to to hold me. To tell me it’s ok. I just want to be held.

I just want warm arms around me.

I need a confidant. Someone. Anyone.

Help me.

It’s not fair. It’s not fair. I just want to be with someone I get along with. Someone who accepts me for me and doesn’t get annoyed at me for just being me.

It hurts so bad that I can’t make it work with him. That there’s always something new to argue about.

I just want to give up. I don’t want to be someone that someone else can’t stand.

I wanted to be with him this weekend. Spend time with him and make love and all that bullshit. But I’m here in my room, alone.

I have to put some distance between us or else we’ll argue. I just want to be with someone I get along with.

I don’t want to keep being sad with him.

I’m so upset.

He gave me an ultimatum today. He said I should stop causing a scene or leave him. And by causing a scene he probably meant I should stop being upset.

I’m so angry. I’m feeling my blood boil here. Maybe I should leave. Maybe I should. Time spent apart from him these few days and things were great. I spend less than a day with him and we’re back to square one. The usual Igor and Dera.

I just feel so alone. I don’t want to keep crying.

I just want to love and to be loved. I just want to be able to be loved for who I am. To not be questioned for who I am. To not be seen as not normal for who I am.

I don’t want to feel this way. Maybe I should go.

He’s growing on me.

What I’ve come to realise is that I don’t want or need an all-in-one boyfriend. I don’t need him to be my best friend or even my friend full stop. The dynamics of a friendship is completely different to that of a romantic relationship and when it comes down to it, he’s my lover and what I need from him is love, protection and home.

So that’s how I deduced what the problem is. I feel alone because I don’t really have a friend that I can do the things that interest me with. Why my ex was an amazing friend was because we did everything together. We had fun together. We watched shit together. We had this togetherness that made us more friends than anything but the romance wasn’t there. And that’s what I miss – friendship. And I realised that Igor and I aren’t friends like that.

But I don’t want to turn Igor into a friend. So I need to make friends. Someone I can do all the fun stuff with. Someone who shares the same interests as me. Igor won’t be that person. We will have fun and there will be interests that we share, but he’ll be my emotional support. My rock. And that’s what I need him for.

If I had a friend, all my sadness would disperse.

I met his brother yesterday. Good kid. He’s a year younger than me but I basically see him as a child because he’s my boyfriend’s baby brother. We had a good night out. We went to a bar, had some alcohol, played some Mario Kart. Igor, like usually, was the party pooper. Always telling us off, acting like the old man he is. He needs to lighten up, that guy, but it’s fine. Like I said, I don’t expect him to partake in the silliness, he’s not a friend.

I haven’t had sex in like a million years. Not even an over exaggeration. I’ve died and been reincarnated at least five times and here I am again, reborn and basically a virgin. Igor needs to stick his pee hose in my vagina like now.

I wonder if my kids will ever read this journal. Well maybe when they’re 50 or something. There’s a lot of lessons to be learnt here. Plus they get to read about the progression of their parents relationship. How things transpired on a day by day basis. It’ll basically be like watching ‘How I Met Your Mother’, how cool!

I finished a craft project today. Turned out pretty decent. I’ll take pictures tomorrow and start working on a YouTube video soon! Things are going pretty well on the craft front. I seem to be getting better and better and my following is growing. I have about 285 email subscribers on my 1.5 year old blog, which is really good. I see that number growing exponentially in the coming days. I’m so excited.

Have I also mentioned that I want to open a tea house? I’ve written the business plan and I’ve got a financial forecast and everything. The sad thing is that we, as in Casper and I, are going to need a lot more money than anticipated, at least from what my forecasting has projected. We’ll probably have to take out a huge business loan, which is so risky. I’m still thinking about whether we should go ahead with it. I’m not one to give up and I’m definitely prepared to take on the risk but life is real and so is debt. I need to think carefully about this…

Anyway, I’m bored and hungry and I’ve basically typed out this whole weeks’ summary. But to conclude, I like my boyfriend and now that I’ve stopped feeling depressed over the fact that I don’t have friendship in my life, I’m going to start seeing and treating him like a boyfriend and not expect him to fulfil every platonic and non-platonic role in my life.

* * *

My ex was the best friend I ever had. The number one friend. Thinking about it, it should never have gone beyond friendship, but we loved each other and that was enough… Until it wasn’t enough.

I’ve made many close friends and I’ve lost most of them. I wish we had stayed just friends and not dated so that he could be my best friend forever. I miss him. Maybe in a few years we can be reacquainted.

Maybe…

I’ve made my journal completely private. Now Igor can stop reading my shit. And I can say whatever the hell I want. I think I’m in a bit of a bad mood plus I have a bit of a headache.

I’m just not in the mood for his questioning. He’s always asking me if there’s something wrong with me regarding us. This relationship is literally the last thing that I want to think of. It’s giving me a headache.

I’m stressed. I know it’s through no other reason other than all the stuff that I’ve given myself to deal with. But I do have to create a business plan and I do have to create a YouTube video (like yesterday) and I do have to have a personal life.

This relationship is like a thing on the side that doesn’t require all my attention. In fact I don’t want to think or talk about it anymore. Why can’t it just be easy? While with my ex, I never once considered leaving him, even when my gut was telling me to go. It was only at the end when things got unbearable that I left. Maybe that was a mistake.

He was perfect in every way except for when it came to the actual romantics of the relationship. But maybe romance is dead. Maybe I didn’t need him to be thoughtful. Or forward thinking. Maybe I didn’t need us to have that sexual chemistry. Maybe it was enough being really good friends because when it came down to it, I was happy with him.

I know that the breakup was bigger than what I’m viewing it as. I was deeply hurting when I was with him but looking at the bigger picture, outside those few months when things really escalated, were we really that bad?

We could work on the sex. We could. He could work on his openness and communication. We could have worked at it. But I was hurting so much. He’s the best team mate I’ve ever had. It’s fine. Life moves on and so should I.

There’s so much potential with Igor, he’s the complete opposite to my ex. He has the qualities I’ve always wanted but he’s annoying as fuck. He’s emotional, he’s insecure and he’s too much like me. I can get erratic when my emotions take over and instead of having a calming presence, I have someone who only adds fuel to my flames. That’s where my ex was good. He kept his cool. I miss him terribly.

I don’t think I should be with Igor until I’m over my ex. But saying that. I just need someone who’s going to make me forget him. Igor just makes me remember all the good things I had with my ex because things aren’t that amazing with him.

It’s hard.

I want a cool headed rock of a man who can be vulnerable with me – something my ex couldn’t do.

I’ve been so preoccupied today. I’ve started writing a business plan for my next venture and this has taken up much of my headspace.

When I’m doing something important, my head is the best place to be. I do all my planning in my head. I run through all possible scenarios in my head. I balance pros with cons in my head. I make decisions in my head. My brain is like a computer trying to process about 100,000 equations simultaneously and that leaves little room for anything else, including emotions, opinions, food and sleep.

Being in my head has allowed me to make some of the best decisions in my life because I come up with ideas, creative stuff that’s literally mind blowing. As a writer this only makes me get further lost in my head. Coming up with sentence structures, thinking about paragraph layouts, inventing ways to string together words to create new and profound meanings. It’s crazy in there.

Being in my head means wanting to do everything all at once and feeling agitated and anxious that I’m not working as fast as my brain is.

But being in my head is wonderful because I work hard and get shit done. I’m just not present and I’m not going to pretend to be. My best ideas are formed when my brain is in overdrive. That’s when I’m at peak motivation. It’s perfect.

When I’m in my head, I am there in body but not in mind and with Igor I need him to understand that me being distant doesn’t mean I have an issue with the relationship. When I’m thinking about everything, I literally am thinking about everything. My brain doesn’t choose which thoughts I focus on, so I think about me and him too. Not necessarily in a bad way either. But I do think. And I wonder. And then I realise.

I realise that…

That…

* * *

That…

I haven’t crossed that boundary with Igor where I talk to him about things happening in my personal life, like:

• My little sister shaving her hair off
• Some random guy reaching out to me to buddy-up for the concert I went to last Friday (which was fucking amazing!)
• Junior’s girlfriend inviting me to his surprise birthday party this Saturday
• My friend who disappeared checking the snapchat message I sent her
• My mother asking me if I want to travel to Fridaria in October
• Me needing to visit my grandma ASAP but not knowing when
• Me not having spoken to my aunty in a long time
• Me finding out my aunty and uncle were in Fridaria because my first ever boyfriend called me
• My cousin randomly video calling me
• My financial advisor messaging me about my business ventures
• Stuff happening at work like the silly group presentation I have to do

Just basic stuff that’s happening in my life. He doesn’t know any of this. And I don’t feel compelled to tell him either.

I actually feel like I have no one to talk to. I have so many worries that I haven’t voiced out to anyone. But they’re the sort of worries that you share with someone you’re ridiculously close to and I don’t really feel like I have anyone like that except Sana and Junior.

There is so much that comes into my head that I have to deal with but choose to ignore. I can’t go to Igor either because in the past, all he’s done is upset me further. I’m already quite emotionally charged and having emotion answer emotion does nothing to help me. I just feel worse and wish for nothing more than the solid logic that calms me down.

But he doesn’t have to be that guy. He doesn’t need to be the person to calm me down. I just need someone I can talk to about anything. That’s all.

Maybe one day I’ll be vulnerable enough.