Best Friends With Life

Love is a funny thing.

It really is. But I do.

Which makes it easier to forgive and harder to walk away.

I slept for 12 hours. I went to bed just before 8pm last night and woke up just after 8am this morning.

I just didn’t have the energy or strength to live.

I felt exhausted. Emotionally and physically. I needed to switch off for a day.

I don’t think I’m in the right frame of mind for a relationship with anyone. I haven’t been in a stress-free one for at least a year.

I’m not ready.

I need time out.

Happy International Women’s Day!

As a woman, it’s important we find the strength to stand up for ourselves and demand that we are treated with respect.

When I slept with that Mexican guy who completely violated the consent I gave him I made sure that I made him know how what he did made me feel and then cancelled him. That was the last time I ever spoke to him.

Treat me like shit and I will remove you from every part of my life.

Because I have respect for myself, I will never put myself in a situation to be further disrespected.

Last night, I was shown a complete disregard for my feelings and that will not ever in my life be tolerated.

Igor is cancelled.

And I feel fucking good.

I’d rather be a fool than sit there and have a man treat me like one.

Au revoir bitch.

* * *

I just gave a speech at work for International Women’s Day and I killed it! To be honest, I was feeling very confident. Liberated. Free.

Knowing that I have the power to choose who can walk in and out of my life is invigorating. I feel like the strong, independent woman I am and I don’t need no shitty arse man to validate me.

Today is a good day.

* * *

Crying is emotionally draining. I had plans to start a new craft project but I just don’t have the energy.

It probably seems silly crying because you think you’re ugly, but I just didn’t like myself and I was sad about it. I don’t look particularly attractive today either but yesterday, I’d just straightened my hair, hoping for an improvement but I looked even worse and I felt like there was no hope.

I’m ok now. I’ve cried all the tears that I need to cry. I just want to focus on me for the next few months. Having an external party go through the ups and downs of your emotional rollercoaster with you isn’t the best thing.

I need to reach emotional equilibrium then I’ll be fine.

He messaged me but I’m just not emotionally ready to explain why being called an idiot and being shown nothing but coldness is not ok. And him saying that I didn’t respond to him when I asked him what was wrong is completely false because when I told him I was ugly, he said I should go and see my doctor about my skin.

Anyway, whatever. I just want to sleep.

I’m hurt. I feel like someone took my heart and held it in the grip of their hand, squeezing the very essence of my being away.

A small moment that could have ended with a reassuring hug turned into one of the worst moments of my whole life.

I am disgusted and I am disappointed.

I had a brief moment of insecurity. I looked in the mirror and all I saw was ugly. I was ugly. I felt ugly. And I didn’t like it. My face has broken out in rashes caused by an allergy to something and my bottom lip now sports a lovely cold sore. Needless to say, ‘ugly’ doesn’t cover it.

Right now, I’m in hysterics. I can’t hold back the tears. I’m shaking from the shock of it all. I am so very hurt and the treatment that I was subjected to was uncalled for and damn right heartless.

What happened was, I was laying in bed beside Igor and I started crying because I felt ugly. He asked me what was wrong and I told him I felt ugly. I expected him to maybe put his arm around me and tell me that I was only Quasimodo levels of ugly and then hold me. But the reality was, he didn’t care. He just kept asking me what was wrong then dumped a tissue on my head and told me to blow my nose.

OK.

I kept crying because at this point not only did I feel ugly, I felt unwanted too.

Then he started getting angry at me for crying, telling me I was making a scene and crying for no reason.

It escalated from worse to catastrophe.

In a single moment the one person I wanted and trusted to comfort and console me turned into a heartless and repulsive monster who I suddenly wanted nothing to do with.

I then started to get dressed so that I could leave. I felt discarded. Like a piece of dog shit on the ground – not even worth the consideration.

He got even more agitated and said if I go I should never come back.

At this point, I was manically in tears. I was shocked. And confused. So confused. I hadn’t done anything wrong. Yet here I was being penalised for crying.

And Igor’s only concern was to save face. To not disturb the house – not that I was making any noise.

He didn’t show an ounce of care or consideration for me. Then he called me an idiot.

I’m so hurt. In fact, I’m heart broken. I never expected this from him at all. My heart feels so hurt and I can’t stop crying.

I just wanted him to hold me.

I saw the ugliest side to him ever. That he could look at me and not even see a girl that he cared about kills me. Am I really not worth shit? That I’d get branded an idiot? For feeling a little bit insecure and expressing my emotions?

I am repulsed to say the least. Such disgusting behaving. Never in my life have I ever been treated in such a way.

I’d be crazy to say I’d want to be with someone like him. He’s a callous, cruel, cold and heartless son of a bitch and I deserve better.

I’m done.

He’s a horrible, horrible person. The worst that I’ve ever been with.

I can’t stand him. He does my fucking head in. He’s literally the most infuriating person I’ve ever met in my whole life. I’m so fucking pissed off for no other reason than his fucking stupid hurt pride. All was a non-issue that he wanted to turn into an issue by force.

I came out of the shower, a thought popped into my head. I briefly reacted but let it go straight away because it wasn’t even that much of a big deal. He saw my brief reaction and wanted to know what was up. I said it was nothing, because it was literally nothing. A non-fucking-issue. But he insisted I tell him so that he could find a fucking reason to get upset for no other fucking reason.

I told him this non-issue and literally it’s a non-issue. All that popped into my head was that he could have helped me iron my top while I was showering so we could save time. I came back into the room to find him sitting on the bed doing nothing so that annoyed me only briefly. Again, not an issue. I let it go. I wasn’t upset. I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t feeling any negative type of way about him. But he decided crying was the best option and started sulking like a fucking child like I’d just called him the fucking Devil.

Fuck him.

This didn’t have to be an argument. But he was so desperate to be upset about shit not worth getting upset about that it turned into one. My blood boils. I want to fucking scream and cry because he does my fucking head in. I can’t even believe this is an issue. If he can’t let go of little things then he needs to learn because he’s not a fucking child.

I’m not talking to him. If I open my mouth he might get offended and start crying again.

This is on him.

* * *

I’m actually trying. I said to myself that I was going to stop taking things personally. Rather than voice something that didn’t need to be given a voice, I’d let it go and keep a happy existence. There have been so many things that could have been a cause of offence these past few days that I’ve just ignored. He needs to learn to do the same. Fucking child. He’s a fucking grown man.

* * *

Fucking loser.

All because he annoys me doesn’t mean I love him any less.

He just sucks… That’s all.

* * *

Did I actually use the L word? God knows I’m not thinking straight.

I need a break.

I do.

“Love is choosing someone over and over again despite what you go through together” and Igor chooses me over and over again despite all the bullshit I put him through. He always shows up for me without fail and that’s how I know he’s mine.

Stop reading my journal!

Anyway, I’d booked two tickets to go and see Black Panther on the coming Monday, but as I now may be single, I’ve prepared backup just in case. The concert that I have next Friday, I’d have to go to alone. I’d probably just sell one of the tickets and rock out by myself. Or I could ask Casper. It’s probably not his scene but a new experience would be good for him.

One of my friends has gone AWOL. She’s literally disappeared. I’ve tried calling her number, messaging and calling her on WhatsApp, searching for her on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter, connecting with her on LinkedIn, messaging and calling her on Snapchat. I’ve tried everywhere and everything. I don’t know where she is. Last time I heard from her was in January and she said she’d call me back. I’m a little worried and I’m just hoping she’s ok. I don’t know any of her friends or family members so not really sure how else to get in contact with her. I’m going to keep trying anyway. Hopefully all is well.

I was meant to be travelling west with my cousins next weekend but the flights are looking extra expensive so I’m thinking about going east instead and visiting a friend. I don’t have that many friends and I feel like I’ve been out of touch for a while. But this morning one of my university friends reached out to me to say hello. So that’s nice. It’s nice when people message you, you don’t feel so alone. I should meet up with friends more too. Actually, what I should do is make friends. I think I’ll still stick to my sewing schedule but on my free days I’ll go out to events and meet people.

* * *

Today is a good day. It’s been productive. I went food shopping. Now I’m thinking about all the delicious foods I’m going to cook myself. Being Fridarian and eating Fridarian food is what today is about. I’m an amazing cook, I just don’t do it often enough, but today I will cook and I will enjoy.

I spoke to my friend Junior today. He said no matter what relationship you get into, there will always be some bullshit.

The thing I need to do is actually find the bullshit that’s worth tolerating. I’m not going to say that I’m going to be single for life because knowing myself, I’ll meet someone like yesterday but I do want to wait before settling down.

I’ve been in love. Love is choosing someone over and over again despite what you go through together. I want to be in love – I do. I was so enamoured by Igor in the beginning. Man he was everything. I felt it in my bones, in my brain, in my heart that this guy would be mine forever. I guess it was all wishful thinking. As you get to know someone, either the illusion fades or everything you thought is reaffirmed.

Anyway, I’m ok. It’s a sad situation but life goes on.

Now time to cook!

* * *

No, I’m not ok. This is all wrong.

All wrong. Completely wrong. Ridiculously wrong.

Because we should be together. He does my fucking head in but this is stupid. It’s so stupid. It’s the most stupid thing ever! We need to do better.

Firstly, what the fuck is wrong with me? Really, am I ok? He deserves better. I need to swallow my fucking pride and be less offended at everything. All I do is complain about the smallest things and I’m so rigid in my resolve, I won’t compromise. Fuck me.

Secondly, he has every right to be annoyed at me. I’d be annoyed at me in his position. He’s a good person who treats me how I deserve to be treated. In fact, all our little issues aren’t nothing that can’t be fixed.

Thirdly, he is annoying and he is emotional and he’s just like me and we need to do better to not annoy each other because we can’t be doing this to each other.

Anyway it’s too late. I don’t want to be going back and forth with him. I’ll leave him for someone he would find less crazy. I’m sad but maybe it’s better for him?

We’ve gone our separate ways, I think?

Anyway, it’s fine. I get anxiety and I don’t want that. I’m in a place where I’m always thinking about our relationship and my emotions for him. I really do think that too much has transpired and it’s left me in a place where I’m not feeling like myself.

I wanted this to work so bad. I still day dream about our future together, I still see him in that future but it doesn’t even matter anymore.

Things started off amazing, but now here we are. But gold covered shit is still shit. Just saying…

I haven’t been myself in this relationship and I’ve probably made it difficult for him but I need to be able to relax around someone. Feeling judged is the worst thing for me. I guess he just doesn’t get me and vice versa. I’d say I played my part in this. I was probably a terrible girlfriend.

But I can’t be a good girlfriend if my mood always sucks around him.

I just want to feel comfortable around someone. Be my crazy, silly self and have them love it wholeheartedly without trying to make me reign it in regardless of the situation.

I just want to be me.

* * *

I just want to be able to have fun with someone. Be silly and not give two-shits what anyone else thinks. I want to chat shit and make no sense. I want to watch terrible TV shows and sing along to crappy songs. I want to dance. I want to talk about the meaning of life and debate which breed of cow is the cutest. I want to nerd out but act totally cool at the same time. I want to share secrets and share my aspirations. I want to be listened to and heard. I want someone to just get me. To understand. To know. I want to be trusted, to hold a heart in my hand and for them to know that I would never ever break it. And I want to be loved. To be shown the affection and attention I deserve.

Life happens. And with it comes shit.

I’ve never felt so misunderstood in my life. He never really knew me or maybe he just didn’t get me. Maybe it’s because I never showed him me. Because he never saw me around other people, but if he had, perhaps he’d know who I am. He’d understand the way I act.

He’d understand that at my most joyful, I’m filled with an energy that I can’t contain. I’m buoyant, I’m bright and I’m energetic. I’m not crazy, I’m not not-normal.

He’d understand that when I’m lost in thought, I’m silent, not present and a little bit melancholic. But I’m not sad, or angry or upset.

He’d understand that my freedom comes with zero boundaries. Zero binding words spoken in my direction. But it doesn’t mean I’m loose, or I’m wild or I’m not to be trusted.

He’d understand that when faced with a confrontation, I’d rather run than fight. But it’s because I’d rather preserve someone else feelings than my own.

He’d understand that sometimes I don’t have a reason why. I just do because I can.

He’d understand that I’m human and I come with past hurts and past experiences but it doesn’t mean that he is my past.

He’d understand. But I guess he just doesn’t.

* * *

Am I asking for too much? Was what I had always enough? My ex was perfect in every way except for when it came to the romantic side of things. Igor was perfect in every way except for when it came to the friendship side of things. Maybe there’s just no middle ground. Maybe it’s either you get along with someone so well but have no romantic connection or you’re romantically suited but just don’t know how to get along as friends.

Maybe I’ve already gotten the best that I can get. The most I deserve.

Or maybe I’m just a terrible person who doesn’t know how to appreciate what’s in front of them.

I don’t know anything anymore. I don’t know if I was right or wrong to walk away from my relationships. I don’t know if just loving someone without sex or romance was enough. I don’t know if having someone care for you and show up for you but without the commonalities was enough. I don’t know what is or isn’t enough. I want everything but maybe it’s not what I deserve.

I want to give this relationship a chance, I really do, but I see myself pulling away more and more.

And of course we had another argument today… at work.

But whatever. I can’t be bothered anymore. I’ve created some distance between us now – we’re no longer allowed to meet up during work breaks, I’ll no longer stay over at his place and vice versa and I’ll only spend a few hours (max 2 hours) with him after work and/or on the weekends.

Basically it’ll be a long distance relationship without the distance. I’m just tired of having my mood ruined. I was in such a happy and chirpy place today then 10 minutes with him and I already borderline wanted to cry and my mood switched back to it’s depressive state.

If I want to go one day where I’m happy with no disruption to my emotions then I need to stay away from him. I’m fed up of arguing. It’s always over little things but it’s still so emotionally draining.

It’s like every little thing that gets said or done annoys either me or him and all hell breaks loose.

The obvious thing to do would be to walk away… At least, it’s the easiest thing to do but I want to try. I don’t want to give up when the slightest bit of animosity shows up. But, I don’t know, maybe this is getting out of hand? Maybe we’re just not meant to be.

I know he wants to be with me, and he’s a very lovely guy but I can’t keep dancing this tango with him.

My heads not in it anymore. Once he looses my heart, I’m out.