Best Friends With Life

Fucking annoyed.

Yes, it’s to do with him again.

Firstly, I don’t want to go into business with him. I don’t care how involved he wants to be, he will never be my business partner as long as he’s my boyfriend.

Secondly, him getting annoyed at me for going to sleep is ridiculous. He said we should watch a movie together and while I waited for him to actually put something on he was busy messaging his friends. Which is fine. You have friends who you talk to. Not a problem with me. But while he’s busy talking to his friends, what does he want me to do? Sit idly twiddling my thumbs? I told him nothing is happening so I’m going to sleep. And I went to sleep.

Then he got all stressy saying I’m getting upset at him for doing his own thing and that I’m complaining. Firstly, I wasn’t upset, sad, annoyed or angry at the fact that he was talking to his friend. I didn’t approach him with irritation in my voice. I was chilled. The whole situation was chilled. I wasn’t offended, but really, if I have nothing else to do then I’m going to find something to do, and sleep was that thing to do.

So he’s annoyed at me for no reason and to be honest that really upset me. I didn’t say anything, but I went to sleep with my heart racing. Proper palpitations that wouldn’t calm down.

Half the shit this relationship does to me.

So yesterday’s situation really confirmed to me that I really don’t want to go into business with him. We can’t go a day with some issue cropping up. I barely even see a future with him anymore. Quite frankly, I’m fed up. But really, what happens? We break up but we’re in business together? How does that work for anyone? How does that work for the business? I barely trust us to go a day with arguing, add a high pressured business environment to it and we’ll have nothing but a toxic relationship to come home to. Fuck that.

I said I’d give this relationship a chance instead of running when I face the smallest animosity. But this is getting out of hand. It’s not even me. It’s him too. I can’t be bothered.

Last night, I didn’t beg for his attention. I left him to his thing. This weekend when I was trying to do my own thing he wouldn’t leave me alone, saying I wasn’t giving him attention, bla, bla bla. He harassed me to the point where I had to leave what I was doing alone in annoyance just so that I could pay him some attention. Yesterday, I didn’t say a word. I didn’t do a thing. I didn’t throw myself at him, I didn’t complain at him, I didn’t do anything. I just went to sleep. Simple. Granted, it was a waste of an evening, I could have been at home doing my own thing, but it’s fine.

I’m fed up. I don’t know whether I should scream or cry. I’m tired. I can’t keep doing this anymore.

* * *

I try to avoid arguments when I can. I try to avoid escalations when I can. And I try to avoid offence when I can. But this relationship embodies all those things. I’ve never had so many disagreements with a single person in my whole life.

I can’t deal with it. I just want to cry.

I’m done. I really am.

It’s over.

* * *

It’s not over. He annoys the shit out of me, but it’s not over.

We argue over silly stuff but apart from that we’re not horrible to each other. I guess me getting so worked up over shit that happens means I care… Ew. Fuck him for making me care about him.

It’s funny how my immediate reaction is to always run away during an argument. Anyway, I won’t run, but I will ignore him for the time being.

That’ll do.

I don’t know.

Too much has transpired.

* * *

I’m depressed. I know it. I’m in that mood sucking vortex where all things go to be miserable. I just want to be alone and do nothing.

It’s 4pm and I’ve been in bed all day. I haven’t even used my laptop to watch anything or do anything for that matter.

My boyfriend bit me yesterday. He bites me all the time and it hurts, but it was especially painful yesterday. I wasn’t expecting it so in the moment I threw my phone at him really hard; fight or flight and whatnot. I apologised straight away for throwing my phone at him, it was just an immediate reaction to the pain he caused me, but I was ridiculously annoyed at him for what he did.

But he didn’t even apologise. I asked him to apologise and instead of acknowledging that he actually hurt me, he told me he didn’t even bite down that hard and that I was overreacting. Like what the fuck? I know the pain I felt, it hurt and I deserved an apology.

He then threw a flippant sorry in my direction and proceeded to laugh at me.

* * *

I think I’m all around unhappy. For the past few weeks I’ve been questioning whether I’m truly happy. It takes very little to put me in a sad place and so I wonder if everything is ok with me.

I don’t think I’m ok. Maybe I’m still suffering from the aftermath of my breakup with my ex. I thought I was ok but maybe I’m not. Maybe I never will be.

I also have the added pressure I give myself to succeed in everything I’m doing. And when I see that I’m not the best, it grates on me.

I’m just so down. I’m irritable. I’m not myself. And I don’t know what to do. The best thing to do in this situation is to surround myself with people, but I want to be alone. I don’t even know if I’m in the best frame of mind for a relationship.

Igor and I have been together 3 months today but I just want to isolate myself from that. I don’t even derive any joy from the fact that I successfully finished my craft projects. I look at them and feel nothing. No joy, no pride, no happiness.

I want to get away from this person. I don’t want to be me right now. I don’t like it. Nothing is fun anymore. Everything is a burden.

I’m so hurt. I’m hurt. Everything hurts. It hurts that I’m sad. And I don’t know how to make it better. Maybe I do take it out on Igor or maybe he really is just that annoying, but he shouldn’t be on the receiving end of my pain anymore. This is something I have to fight alone.

I want true happiness. Pure in all its forms. I want let go of all of this sadness but I don’t even know why I’m sad. I try to be happy for Igor but I can’t do it anymore. I’m too inconsistent with my emotions. I so badly want to feel something genuine. But sometimes all I want is to be alone.

I’m falling for him…

Or I could just be horny… Who knows?

It’s like going two steps forward and three steps back. Things were going amazing with us and then suddenly he started talking about the scoliosis that he didn’t have and I was like “what the fuck…?” I was pretty freaked out because every day there’s basically always someone new wrong with him. It’s funny for the most part but then mention something as serious as scoliosis and all that pops into my head is “is this guy going to drop dead on me from the millions of symptoms he has per day?”

And then he got angry at me for getting a bit worried and that almost escalated into something else. All because I’m quiet and inside my head doesn’t mean I like him any less or will break up with him. It just means I’m thinking about what all this means. When I think, I go quiet.

And the thing is, if he really did have a curved spine, I would have noticed. He’s as straight as a ruler and also a self-diagnosed hypochondriac.

Anyway, when he brought all that up I just went into myself and started worrying for him and for myself. Like really? Is this guy healthy at all? But it’s fine. He’s fine. He’s healthy, he’s alive and he’s a very tall ruler.

I’m waiting for the day this relationship gives me more peace than stress. Wondering and waiting…

Twice in the same hour my website pages have refused to load because of my shitty web hosts and their shitty server. F these guys. I need to transfer my site to the new hosts ASAP. Upon my cancellation of my current service, I’m going to send a strong worded email about how disappointing their services have been. They need to do better. My livelihood is at stake here.

ANYWAY! I’m liking my boyfriend more and more! Man that took time…

I’m really starting to like my boyfriend. I liked him before but I’m actually getting to know him as a person and enjoying his company. I see him as a friend now. He’s a pretty cool guy. We can laugh together and chat shit together which is nice.

I’ve also decided to leave my current webhost and move elsewhere. Their up-time is appalling. At least twice per week, when I visit my website, it’ll be down. Imagine what it’ll be like for that person who really wants to see my content at a specific time of day and can’t. I’m losing followers here.

Anyway I spent hella money on a three year hosting package and more money on a new RODE microphone. As my subscribers grow, the quality of my content should grow too and one thing I’ve struggled with is sound. I’m hoping that with this new mic I’ll get consistently clear and audible sound. Can’t wait to get home and try it out.

The first part of my craft project that I started yesterday evening is about 75% done. I’ll probably be able to complete it tonight and start on the second part too. Everything will definitely be done by Friday, even if it means sleeping at three in the morning. I won’t really be able to see Igor after work this week but maybe I can dedicate Sunday to him. Let’s see.

I’m sad.

I paid down the reservation fee for a new room that I wanted to rent out and I found out today that it’s no longer available. I really liked the room. It was spacious, an en suite and reasonably priced. It’s not fair. I want my money back.

In fact, I’m in a bad mood now and feel more like a failure than anything. I usually average about 40 subscribers on YouTube a day but today, I’ve barely even managed 20. It’s around 4:30pm which means the day is basically over and I’d have ended the day homeless with only 20 new subscribers. This day better turn around for the better or I will cry.

But I know it’s going to be terrible because I have four evenings to start and finish two craft projects. Pressure. I’ve had so much time to work on the projects but I was so stressed by the progress I was making that I just had to take a break for a few days. Now I‘m going to start from scratch and work on designs that are straightforward to complete.

Stressed.

And sad.

On the up side, things with Igor and I are great again. I’m happy with him. He is a great guy.

But I’m so, so sad. Everything is just so saddening today. I just want to hide myself away and wallow in my sadness but I have things I need to be busy with or else, come Saturday, if I don’t complete them, I’ll be even sadder than sad.

And I’m poor! Fuck my sad life…

Igor you better not be reading my journal!

* * *

Anyway, I don’t know what to do. I’ve never felt so torn because I don’t have that compelling force that pushed me to break up with my ex. I knew breaking up with my him was the right thing to do. I knew it in my gut.

With Igor I don’t feel that. There’s nothing that’s telling me go or to stay.

Igor and I have a connection and when we’re connected it’s fire. It’s magical. And when we’re disconnected our blissful harmony turns into a cacophony of disjointed emotions. Things becomes hard and I want to run.

And because I want to run, I think I start creating excuses to not be with him anymore. He’s too this. He’s too that. Things that weren’t a problem before. The attraction wanes. The sex doesn’t feel great. Things change for the worse. And it sucks.

I know how I’ve felt about him in the past,  which is why I don’t want to write the relationship off. It’s not the first time we’ve been stuck in a rut and bounced back. It was only last week that we were an amazing couple having amazing sex.

But I do switch off. Especially when there’s a misunderstanding or an insecurity creeps up. Me feeling like Igor didn’t like me anymore was an insecurity. He was having a shit week and wasn’t as responsive to my increased levels of affection towards him. That to me spelled disaster! I was showing him care and plenty of love and my romanticisms just happened to coincide with his bad mood. Any other week I’m sure it would have been reciprocated but being so used to people (partners and friends alike) not giving as good as they get, and being betrayed way too many times, it makes for a successful recipe to clammer up and run.

What makes this suck is that he is literally everything I asked for in a lover. Everything. Obviously he’s not perfect but he makes me feel loved and wanted.

I really, really, really wish I could say that I’m not attracted to him. It would make my life easier. But when things are good he gives me vaginal butterflies, he gives me good D and I find him very handsome.

I want to give this a chance. I know we’re still learning about each other and I know we will grow in love so I have no reason to feel like we’re failing when we haven’t actually had any major issues. Just insecurities.

But what I refuse to do is to fuck him around and hurt him with my rollercoaster of fluctuating emotions.

Maybe we need to take it slow. Very slow. Like, see each other once a week, slow.

Or maybe breaking up is the right thing to do? Maybe I’m just not that into him? Which makes no sense because I was into him last week. And it was only over the last few days that I’ve started feeling like this and that was only because of little disagreements and me feeling like he wasn’t into me.

THEREFORE, to conclude. I’m staying. Phew!

* * *

Nope.

Just told him I’m not leaving him and now I want to run away. But I can guarantee that if I’d said I was going, I’d be questioning myself.

I can’t win with myself.

I’m a bad person right?

Well, I feel like a bad person.

Cryptically speaking, I feel like Melania Trump and not in a good way. Igor on the other hand is the Tom to my Summer ((500) Days of Summer Reference here). I feel bad.

I’m continuing to contradict myself with the life lessons I keep learning. And I did say that there were more things more important than the husk of our being but maybe I was wrong. Maybe perception is the beginning of reception. And because I don’t perceive, poor Igor doesn’t receive.

I don’t know what to do. I feel very nonchalant about the whole thing. I thought maybe that if things would, then I could, allowing what should.

I know, cryptic, cryptic. But I make sense to myself.

I’m a bad person. I’m giving this time and if the would doesn’t become the should then I will do the postponed inevitable.

* * *

I just feel like I can’t trust myself with decisions. It’s like the logical side of me says one thing but my subconscious psyche says another.

But some decisions in life should be based on logic. To be honest, no matter which way I try to see things, I only forsee a happy future with a person capable of fulfilling my every desire. I’m just a selfish bitch who can’t see past the metamorphosis of man, with only hopes that the cocoon will satiate her. I want to see the butterfly within. I want it to spread its wings and envelope me in its colours. I want it to take hold of my every breath and breathe into me sensations that I’ve never felt before.

But every time the butterfly tries to emerge from its enclosure it ruins that little bit of beauty I’ve tried to paint on a canvas of spun silks and life. I don’t like it.

Maybe the caterpillar is more beautiful than its winged counterpart.

I don’t know.

Could this be the beginning of the end…?