I’m feeling anxious.
I feel like Igor doesn’t like me even though he does.
Also I was checking out on eBay and I saw my ex’s address and that got me feeling a type of way.
Either way my heart is racing for some reason.
Anyway I had a realisation. It sort of reduced me to tears.
Some school examination results from years ago wasn’t what was expected. I got an A and three Bs and didn’t get into my universities of choice.
Anyway my mother was ridiculously disappointed in me. She was crying saying that I embarrassed her and many other negative things. She wasn’t happy.
I had tried my hardest and worked my arse off. And my ABBB wasn’t enough. It was a failure and I was seen as one.
To be honest I’m not sure how I felt in that moment (obviously not happy) but now it’s really upsetting me and I don’t know why.
I feel like there are moments in my life where I’ve been chastised for doing nothing but my best but I can’t remember any of them. Even this one just decided to pop into my head out of nowhere because I’d obviously just chosen to block it out.
And of course, there’s always a reason for why someone is a certain way. Me always feeling like anything and everything I do isn’t good enough. There are reasons.
And I’ve thought and thought and thought about it because if I went to a counsellor they’d want to know about my childhood and so I think about it and nothing comes up.
But there must be reasons…
My mother’s reaction sucked. But she took it out on me. She had every right to feel how she felt but she took it out on me. I didn’t fail. In fact I still did very well but it wasn’t enough.
But whatever. Heart’s racing. Feeling shitty. But it’s ok.
* * *
I’ve decided on Igor’s behalf that he doesn’t like me because I’m too affectionate towards him.
He tells me he likes me a lot but in my head I know he feels like I’m too much and maybe needs some space from me.
I don’t blame him. He’s feeling like I’m giving him more attention than I should and its putting him off me.
Anyway if he breaks up with me, I’ll understand. It was nice while it lasted.
Also my anxiety is in full swing and I don’t know why. Me heart is pounding on my ribs and I just have a general feeling of not being liked by my boyfriend.
Today I messaged him saying “boyf” and he replied with a “?”. Then I told him I missed him and he didn’t say it back, instead he sent me a smiley face.
THEREFORE, he hates me.
And I think it’s a valid conclusion. So it’s time to run away again me thinks.
Peace!