Best Friends With Life

I have a lot on my mind. There are many things that need to be said but articulating them all will take some days. I don’t like jumping around from topic to topic when journaling. Of course I want to really ruminate on life, love and happiness but sometimes just writing down the gibberish that comes straight into your mind and hoping for some coherency is best.

I’m a huge sentimentalist and on Saturday I took Igor out on that date I promised him. I wanted to do something that would mean a lot to him and since we’re both enamoured by the stars and space, naturally, I took him to a planetarium. It was a quaint little date. We went for dinner then travelled back to my place and watched “Me Before You” to add that extra touch of romance. Then I fucked him. To be honest, I’m over the whole Igor-fucking fiasco. Well I’m not, but I’m not torturing myself with it anymore. It’s just nice that he likes me enough to not be put off by my little emotional breakdown. I think he really puts me on this pedestal, which is nice. He appreciates me for who I am and that’s all I really want.

He’s an amazing guy and despite our differences we seem to be making it work as soon-to-be-exclusive lovers. And our differences aren’t just the traditional differences that every couple has to overcome, we have the extra added pressure of interracial, intercultural, intercontinental, interlanguage, interheight differences. Not only that but we work together. In the same office. On the same floor. Really, I haven’t thought about any of those “difficulties” (so to speak), I acknowledge that we’re from different parts of the world and English isn’t his first language, that we won’t necessarily always understand each other and our skin colour isn’t the same, but actually, this is less of a predicament for me than it will be for other people.

Yes, other people. Because we all secretly care what the general public think.

But is this really the day to speak of interracial love? I think not. However, I will definitely delve into this topic as things progress with Igor and I. Just know that I am very conscious of what people may or may not be thinking when they see us in public together but I’m used to it. Very used to it in fact, so it’s not something that bothers me at all.

Ok, ok, ok detour because this is important.

Mindfulness is something that I’m trying to practise. I’m too far into my own head when it comes to sex that I just never enjoy it as much as I could. And having one little sexual setback really does put a spanner in the works.

I get horny, ridiculously so. But when it comes to the real thing I just can’t let go. I want to enjoy it and I need to convince myself that I can enjoy it because I know I can. I’ve come a long way from where I used to be. Having the mindset that I was sexually broken and I didn’t work down there. It’s horrible. I’ve been reduced to tears over my apparent brokenness. But I do work and I love that I can now think about someone and have them turn me on all in my head. I just need that to translate to real life.

I’m here to convince myself further. To tell myself that I can have good sex, not just mentally but for real. Yes, things didn’t go as planned with Igor, but it wasn’t even that bad. There was definitely a peanut in my peanut hole which went it with almost minimal struggle. So I absolutely didn’t put the Sahara desert to shame. Up to a point it felt really good. Then it plateaued because well… I paid a visit to my brain. I decided to think about how fat I looked from his angle, whether I felt good for him and just other nonsense irrelevant to the moment before me.

Because I suck.

There’s a lot that I need to overcome and it will take some work and probably a lot of patience on his part. Most of the damage done to my psyche will need to be reversed and I’ll need to see myself as someone deserving of pleasure – rather than just the sole giver. But I promise myself, I will work hard on it, I will put myself first sexually and I will let go and let Igor.

I really need to stop overthinking things, especially when my expectations are not met. I just end up depressing myself and then that escalates and I get emotionally manic.

Sleeping with Igor wasn’t how I imagined it would be in my mind. I think I expected way too much and because I did want things to be perfect the first time, the fact that it fell short of that perfection immediately made me feel like a failure.

I’m not a perfectionist, but this was important to me. I like him and so I wanted to put my best self forward. Instead, I fucked him, got ridiculously emotional and was basically inconsolable, so much so that the poor guy probably thought it was somehow his fault.

When I get stuck in my head the best thing for me to do is sleep it off or else my emotions will drive me to do or say something crazy and a basic scenario would escalate into something unrecognisable. Fortunately, before I damaged the beautiful relationship that was forming between Igor and me, I conked out. Thank God!

Igor is nice. Actually in that period where I was busy driving myself insane over the imperfect sex we had, I was re-deciding whether I liked him or not. Suddenly he wasn’t enough. The sex didn’t play out like how I’d rehearsed it internally; he wasn’t playing by my unwritten and unspoken script. Our relationship wasn’t going according to whatever plot I’d already somehow created for us. But I stopped myself in my tracks. I needed to behave.

I’ve never dated anyone before. Well I have. But I’ve never dated anyone I actually like. And by dating I mean, there was no prior friendship before pursuing something more. Igor is the first guy I’ve dated and liked. I don’t know at which point sex is meant to enter the whole equation and what it’s meant to make you feel.

I thought it would feel special… I guess I was wrong. I know I’m going to get told that it’s about having fun and I’ll probably look back and laugh at the hilarity of it all, but right now, it’s not funny.

I’m just so stuck in my own head. I want to try again and unfail at our imperfect sex. Prove myself wrong. That I can have good sex.

For once…

Fuck.

Before, every time we kissed he’d leave me dripping, now it’s harder because I want to be wet so bad that it completely hampers the whole experience and I stay drier than the fucking driest thing to ever exist (which is now my vagina).

Ok his well endowed penis still went in but it should have slid in with no friction – and that was why it wasn’t perfect!

I’m fucking crazy.

I fucked him.

Now I need to get out of my own head because I’m borderline going to burst out crying. And not because I regret doing it, but because it wasn’t perfect.

I wanted it to be perfect.

I don’t really like journaling in the morning when absolutely nothing has happened in my day. But it’s fine, I always have thoughts to express and shit to chat.

So my online journal URL is not so secret anymore. I told my best friend Robin.

Robin…

Robin is a good guy. I’ve been friends with him for just over two years and he has been a solid rock of inspiring support. I like Robin, a lot. Completely platonic, so I guess that’s why he’s my best friend and not my boyf, but he is truly a friend and a half. If I was held at gunpoint and forced to choose one person to spend the rest of my life with, it would be him.

This isn’t me taking away from how I feel or have felt for other male beings, but I just have so much trust and respect for him that if my life depended on it, I’d choose him over and over again. That’s not to say that Igor won’t soon fulfil that role, but as things stand right now, it’s good ol’ Rob now and forever until I meet my forever-person.

I do want a forever-person. I’m way too independent for my own good but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to settle down with one person for the rest of my life. I mean, I was engaged to be married for goodness sake! But when you lose that good thing in your life, you sort of latch onto the next best thing, and Rob was that best thing for me. And, to clarify, he wasn’t just a shoulder for my tears, he was the support I needed to get me back on my feet again, a true friend. Whom I fucked. Twice. Whether or not it should have happened is a question for the gods.

I have many people I’d superficially call a friend. I’m Dera. Friend of the people. Best friends with life. But there’s only a select few that I’d go as far as calling a real friend. A best bud. A trusted companion. Vulnerability does not come easy, and being able to lay myself bare in front of someone, to show them my ugly, takes something more than superficial friendship. But I do have some incomparably legit friends. Friends who I’d show up for and continue showing up for. Loyalty is something I do pride myself in, and if you’re fortunate to be considered a real friend of Dera, best believe my allegiance to you will never waver, providing you don’t fucking betray me.

Friendship is something that’s a bit tricky for me. I’m ridiculously extroverted. I can talk to anyone and I was basically born to be centre of the world’s attention yet I still struggle in social settings. I can become incredibly introverted and remain silent while my crazy, flamboyant personality stays hidden. I tend to worry that if I open my mouth and say something stupid, I’ll be judged, or if I try to be funny, I won’t be funny, so staying silent is the logical approach. I’m a bit of a contradiction because I’m shy, yet I’m not. I’m confident, yet I’m not. I’m loud, yet I’m not. I’m open, yet I’m not. I’m crazy, yet I’m not. I’m many things that I’m not. And if you really knew me, you’d know that underneath my colourful exterior is a monochromatic calm. All I really want is to be understood and accepted as I am.

And that’s why until you understand that about me, you’re not really my friend.

My mood still sucks.

Ever since my ex relationship started to get a bit rocky, I haven’t been able to sleep properly, and that was over four months ago! I thought moving on from it and leaving the anxiety and depression behind would put me back into a healthy sleep routine but it just hasn’t gotten better. I’m ridiculously tired on most days and literally don’t have the will for basic brain functionality. I used to be an amazing sleeper, yes, it’s a skill. I’d conk out almost immediately (which I still do, thank God) and sleep right up until my alarm. Now, I wake up way before my alarm rings without properly getting the nurturing sleep I need to put my mind in a good place.

And because I tend to worry about everything, I’m at major risk of anxiety again. I’d start worrying that I’m not sleeping because there’s an underlying cause and then I’d worry more because I wouldn’t know what the cause is, then the stress would pile up because I’d want to know what the cause is so that I could fix it and get good sleep but then I’d get so stressed and worried over failing to know myself inside and out that I probably wouldn’t be able to get a good night’s sleep and the cycle would continue until depression comes a-knocking and suddenly life would suck!

But let me not go there because I’d rather that didn’t happen.

I am so tired right now but sometimes being in one of my subdued and sombre moods actually allows me to give myself space to just sit and think, put things into perspective and learn about myself. Yesterday I wasn’t in the best of moods, on account of not visiting my grandma, but I actually was able to just have a moment to myself where everything wasn’t going at 100 mph (how my life tends to be on my happy, hyper days) and I realised I actually suck at taking instruction from people. Because I’m such a free spirit, I see instruction as a way to reign me in, to control me, to stop me from being me and I rebel against it. I’m trying to be better, I’m going to start listening to people and not take offence when they ask me to do something.

I think it was a major problem in my ex relationship. I didn’t listen to him enough, and I take complete ownership for my actions. There were many problems in that relationship and me not listening definitely contributed. It’s quiet unfortunate that things ended but he wasn’t for me – so although I am grateful that I was able to share five years of my life with a truly remarkable person, I’m glad we were able to go our separate ways to find our rightful forever-persons. There’s no animosity there, he made me happy and I want someone to make him as happy as he made me. He deserves the bests.

When I was on one of my written rants, I wrote one line that just made too much sense, “the best you can do is cheer him on from the far away side-lines of your mind”. There’s no need for me to contact him, but regardless of how far away and disconnected we are, I’ll always champion him. I may not express it verbally or physically, but in my head, I’ll always have his back. I’ve spent 20% of my life with him, and he’s a great guy, I’m not going to discard him like he never existed, he did. Feelings got hurt, but it was for the best and I’m glad he gave me the freedom to chase my own happiness without him. I’ll always appreciate him for that.

Thank you.

I’ll never be the perfect lover, friend, daughter, sister, but I can try. There’s always room for improvement and growth. I’ve learnt so much about myself these past few months, I understand myself better. I can confidently say I know myself. I know what I want from life. I know what’s important to me. Going through this breakup has been a blessing in disguise. I am an adult, and I’ve dealt with my shit in a very adult way. Acting like a kid has nothing to do with maturity. How you deal with life is the benchmark that should be used. I’m going to keep working hard on my self-development because I want to be a good person. A good wife. A good mother. I want my children to grow up to be emotionally intelligent beings with a good grasp of what life is about. I want to do that for them.

See, sombre Dera can be a very mindful and philosophical person when given the chance. I’m just in a melancholy mood – the best kind of mood for depth! I’ve learnt that happy won’t always be my default mood and I need to be ok with feeling the lows along with the highs. It took me getting depressed to realise that, I’m happy I did though, because I’m now very accepting of the various shades of Dera.

But that’s enough depth for one day. It’s not even midday yet! And I’m still seeing Igor tonight so maybe there will be much more to journal about.

Currently at a work event sitting down in a lonely corner daydreaming about Igor. Is this how I know he’s the real deal? I’ve obviously had guys who I constantly think about but none that can turn my stomach like him. And I mean turn it in the kind of way that leaves you feeling frustrated… Sexually.

No, I’m not horny, but one thought leads to another and suddenly there’s a whole load of horizontal action happening that I need to catch myself before I fall too far and end up in deep waters, or rather the deep waters end up on me…

But I’m in like! And there was a time when I thought I wouldn’t be able to feel anything for anyone ever.

My breakup was tough. At first I felt free and it was exhilarating, but the 5 stages of grief hit me harder than a double decker bus and I spiralled.

I mean, try moving on from a broken engagement. That shit’s tough. And it took a lot out of me. But that’s a story for never.

Today was a bit of an off day for me. I think it started from the fact that I wasn’t able to visit my grandma. I was in her area and wanted to pay her a surprise visit but when I called her, she didn’t pick up. It actually made me a lot more sad than what it should have. I even wanted to cry. But it’s fine. I’ll just dedicate a weekend to her sometime soon.

Love my grandma.

My bad mood sort of carried on into the evening and my housemate didn’t help. In fact, my whole living situation is just drama. How can I come home and there’s wires all over the kitchen because the housemate wants to experiment with WiFi router positions because the signal apparently disturbs his sleep.

I just can’t deal.

I feel like this particular housemate will come up a lot in my journaling. I’ll need to give him a name. He’s annoying AF. Let’s call him Barney like the fucking annoying purple dinosaur. Man, I might need to start looking for somewhere else to live. And let me not get started on the house group chat. That alone is enough to force someone to start looking for a new tenancy.

The best part of this day was actually sticking on some false nails. They look good! I’m quite pleased. Igor (yes, him again) would have made this day 10/10 instead of the meagre 3/10 it was. We did message all day so that’s a nice boost to today’s rating but still, it’s not much to shout about, is it?

He’s amazing though. Today I told him that he’s perfect. Is that creepy? I feel that maybe I could have come on a bit too strong? I know I overthink everything so maybe it was alright, but maybe it was creepy and I should probably pull back a bit? No?

He takes an interest in my interests and just general things that are happening in my life. He’s even willing to help me with MyBusiness which is amazing! I’m so touched by his generosity, selflessness, thoughtfulness and amazingness. I really really like him!

I was telling him that I like that he annoys me because when it comes to expressing my opinions I’m quite passive – I’d rather stay silent to preserve someone else’s feelings than express how they’ve made me feel – and it’s good that he pushes me to a point where I can vocalise my feelings. I really need that. I can’t keep being a people-pleasing pushover. I always get hurt in the end because people take advantage of my inability to be angry at them. So him affecting me emotionally is a good thing.

Actually the truth is, when we had those initial altercations, I didn’t give two shits about what he thought. I was ready to cancel him. But then, on the day he ignored me, I realised I actually really really liked him. So maybe not caring what people think is what I need to start doing more often. I am however glad that I decided to reconcile, because he is something special.

He opened up a little bit yesterday about his family. I don’t like to pry so I tried to keep things as shallow as possible until he’s ready to delve in deeper. Some conversations are just worth waiting for.

But I have a good feeling about this one. I want to see where it goes. I’ve asked him out on a date and everything because he’s always taking me out and he never lets me pay. Grr! So now it’s my turn. I want to do something nice for him. I’m forever the sentimentalist, so it has to be something special and meaningful. I’ll think about it.

I literally have so much on my mind right now. I’m thinking about how different Igor is to the ex and how he isn’t what I would necessarily assume is right for me. I think that’s a thought train that I’ll have to ride another day though because there’s a lot to say on this topic, specifically surrounding “types”, “compatibility” and “chemistry”.

Anyway my mood sucks. I should sleep. Night!

Did I mention my ↂ1000 birthday spending budget? Well I have a ↂ1000 birthday spending budget!! You only turn 25 once and well, if you don’t spoil yourself, who will?

I’m at a point in my life where I’m not dependant on anyone to have my needs met so I’d happily splash the cash to keep myself… happy. I worked questionably hard for my money and it deserves to get spent on the best person I know.

There was a time when I used to be ridiculously self-deprecating. Now I try to say good things about myself and compliment myself when I can, which is basically always. I think I’m starting to annoy MrNovember with all the self-indulgence but, again, if I don’t compliment myself and make myself feel good about myself, who will? I’m just tired of life telling me I need to seek validation from elsewhere to feel good about myself when the best place to find it is from within.

I really am a happier and more wholesome person. I feel like I have everything I need from life. I’m content. And that in itself is success. And that’s exactly what I was aspiring to for my 25th-year-on-Earth milestone. I said, “by the time I’m 25, I want to be successful. Running a successful business, making money from it, even if it is just ↂ1 a year”. And even though I’m only making about ↂ30 a month from my business, it’s enough for me to feel successful. So I’ve ticked that box.

Life plans are dangerous though. I remember how I felt when I didn’t achieve a certain thing by a certain age. I’m never making a life plan with strict timelines again. I’m young, single and content. I know what I want from life and I will work towards achieving those goals but I will not fixate on a timeline. You’re only risking heartbreak and disappointment.

Detour!

Ok obvs gonna talk about MrNovember. I think this one might stick around beyond November so let’s rename him. He’s an amazing guy and an amazing guy deserves an amazing name. Let’s call him Igor. I’m a bit of a mad woman like Dr. Frankenstein and I’d rather a guy be my sidekick than my knight. So Igor it is!

I think about him and I get serious butterflies in my stomach. I really really really like him and it’s ridiculous because I don’t know why!!! It’s not even the sexual chemistry, he’s just a good guy and I enjoy his company. I really do want to sleep with him too, but I’ve seen how sex can change and ruin things – it’ll become less about getting to know each other and more about just fucking. When it changes from “fucking” to “sex” or “making love”, then I know I’ll be in a position to sleep with him. I’m not so emotionally connected to him that it’ll mean something more than just penis in vagina.

A few hours later…

Just spent the evening with Igor. We had dinner and basically fought over who was paying – he paid, annoyingly. I really wanted to at least pay half, I guess I’m just not used to a guy going all out constantly for me – monetarily of course. Do I have to repeat that I really like him? Because I do.

OMG I’M ALSO FUCKING FAT!!! If I start this rant, I won’t stop – so let’s move onto warmer and sunnier topics like Igor. I like him…

WTF was this weekend?! Basically MrNovember and I aren’t talking anymore. We’re not friends, not even acquaintances. It basically went from 0 to 100 real quick and now all I’ve been left with is a guy who won’t even look in my direction. Not gonna lie, I find the whole thing comical. Blatantly making a point to ignore someone is just funny and I really am too old for all this on account of being almost 25 and whatnot.

How I see it is that he let his insecurities get the better of him. He couldn’t accept that I liked him and so he questioned me into annoyance and basically pegged me as a dishonest person who was out to break his heart. He was annoying AF. Like why are you so annoying? I’ve never been the least annoying person in a relationship before but this guy really took the biscuit and I, quite rightly, was fed up. I’m usually very tolerant, but question my intentions and ideals and we have a problem. I mean, just stop fucking questioning and doubting me. It makes me feel like I’m mistrusted for doing nothing but liking you. There was potential there but wow, I’ve just never met anyone who can make me feel bad for no reason.

I actually really wanted to fuck him. I can imagine the sex being amazing. But oh well. I’m rather pleased I didn’t sleep with him. There’s always a line between not really knowing someone and really knowing them that if not fully crossed, sex can completely prevent you from getting to the other side. I feel like rekindling just for the sex, but let’s not be a bitch. Feelings are real! Ok, that’s not what I meant. What I mean is that I actually really like him and would like to pursue things further with him, including a sexual relationship, but when it comes down to it, if I was only left with a man who couldn’t stand me but his penis was willing, I’d take it.

I feel like there’s always two sides to a story where no one and everyone is actually at fault, and I really want to acknowledge the part I played in this but I actually did nothing wrong. He made it seem like I was flip-flopping around – one minute I liked him the next I didn’t. But it was never like that. He would take something said completely out of context and fixate on it until he convinced himself that I was the devil, out to crush his soul. I am desperately trying to look back and analyse where I was at fault but I don’t really think I was.

But whatever.

Apart from that whole comedic element of my life, the weekend was good, well the first half of it anyway. Met up with the cousins for dinner. Proper adulting and stuff. It was good to just have adult conversations like the adults we are because that’s what adults do and adult we did! Yes!

I’m generally happy though. Amidst all the drama, you can forget to focus inwards and by just staying silent for a while listening to my deepest internals (heartbeat, blood through my arteries, brain swishing around, etc.) I know I’m in a really good place.

– – – – – Update – – – – –

So 8 hours have passed and much has changed since this afternoon!!!!

I have reclaimed my position as most annoying person in the relationship, phew! Also MrNovember and I have rekindled whatever kindling was unkindled.

I really like him.

I do. I was quite annoyed that things ended how they did and it made me realise, fuck! I really like this guy. So I messaged him “fuck you for making me like you so much” because I’m a fucking romantic. Then we spent the evening together and it was nice.

He gives me major butterflies. I’ve never gotten that with a guy before. Like when it comes to kissing, its either hit or miss (mostly miss). You either feel something or you don’t. To me, kissing never used to be something worth doing because I’d get absolutely nothing out of it. I’d feel nothing. Until I kissed the right guys, and my internals just did all sorts, and that’s when I knew – wow, there’s actually something in this whole kissing business.

And we didn’t sleep with each other!!!!!!!! I know it’s not a big deal but actually it is, because any guy in the same position would definitely be raring to stick his peanut in my peanut hole. And I really appreciate his willingness to wait for me – and don’t get me wrong, I’m tempted AF, but I want sex to be more than just a casual fuck.

I cannot wait for his peanut though…

Right, I usually do this (journaling) when I have a lot on my mind and I can’t pinpoint the source of my distress but why not also do it when I’m happy? Yes! I’ve found happiness again and it’s amazing, with it has come my motivation and drive for success. I feel like my old self again.

It’s nice.

I did get a bit annoyed yesterday. I had MrNovember basically telling me he didn’t want me to talk with him or take things further with him because I have better things to do and other people to focus on, like it’s even his decision in the first place? I’m just tired of guys telling me what I should or shouldn’t want. If I want to like you, that’s my business. And if I get hurt in the process, that’s my business too. I am taking that risk because I view you as worthy. The problem is you don’t see yourself worthy of me and THIS IS a problem. I am not royalty, don’t put me on a pedestal. I am human and I’m not looking for something perfect. I want a fellow human too – imperfections and all. But whatever, it’s fine. I feel like I need to take a direct approach to this, let him know that I see him as a risk worth taking (still deciding if I even like him in the first place haha).

He also said I was a difficult person. Ikhsuagwdhadihaidjaihdiuakdhawidhaijdaihd. So I told him he clearly doesn’t know me. Me? Difficult? Never! I can be a clown, of course, but when it comes down to real shit, I’m as smooth sailing as they come. Drama free, me. I’m not here to prove myself to him. That’s his opinion of me, he can take me or leave me, not really here to cater to his wants and needs. To be honest, I’m slightly taken aback because I know myself but then I can barely blame him because he doesn’t really know me. He’s only ever seen silly Dera, drama queen Dera, hyper Dera, so that’s all he knows. Let’s leave it at that for now.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching recently. Going through that whole fiasco with the ex and having my heart broken really took a lot out of me and yet allowed me to gain back even more. I feel wiser. I feel like I’ve seen darkness and come back a more wholesome person. It’s amazing. I feel invigorated and alive! I have focus, direction, I know what I’m aiming towards and I’m going to do my damned hardest to make it happen.

MyBusiness is going to be my life for this next year. I have nothing else occupying my mind so MyBusiness will be priority. Right now, the concept of love is a distraction that I just do not need right now. If it happens, good for me. But let it happen from a distance. A distance where it’s not interfering with this good thing that I’ve got going on.

Exciting times ahead though! Turning 25, and I’m not going to lie. It’s been driving me crazy. I’ve started comparing myself to what a 25 year old should be. And let me tell you, I’m everything a 25 year old isn’t. I’d say I’m more reminiscent of a 12 year old, and I’m now at a point where I’m exhausted from the constant questioning of my mentality that I’ve just come to accept that, yes, I am a 12 year old and I’m going to make it work! Also, I’m cute AF – and no 25 year old wants to be cute, so yes, I am 12.

Hopefully, I can keep on top of this whole journaling business I always have loads to say. So, until tomorrow, PEACE.