Best Friends With Life

I’m 8 weeks pregnant tomorrow. Telis and I heard our little oyster‘s heart beat last week at 6w6d. 116 BPM! The day after, we travelled to visit my sister Elfa  in the country where she is studying medicine.

It’s been a good few weeks.

I feel so blessed to finally be pregnant with a viable pregnancy! I’ve been discharged from my fertility clinic and will now be in the care of midwives. I self-referred yesterday and they booked me in for a scan on Thursday when I’ll be 8w1d, I get to see my oyster again so soon! I just only hope they’ve grown as they were measuring slightly smaller than my weeks.

Telis and I spent a few days in Elfaland with my sister. We were initially planning on staying in the city where my sister lives for the duration of the trip but decided last minute, while there, to book hotels in two different cities and travel to and explore around them. We all had a good time and Elfa and Telis even made a friend with a guy travelling alone who then spent our last day there with us.

Morning sickness kicked in. Yay. Except I got it more in the afternoon when my stomach was empty. It’s kind of abated now so I feel like it was short lived but maybe it’ll come and go.

I’ve also had a very significant increase in salary. I was shocked when I saw the email. I thought it was a scam so emailed my boss asking if it was for real. It was! The reasoning behind the increase was that as a woman, my pay should be on par with my male colleagues, and so it was bumped up to match, I guess.

Things have really started to fall together. With how shit the past year has been, I can’t believe and quickly and seamlessly things turned around.

I even have a pregnancy buddy! My friend Daye is about 24 weeks pregnant. She’d been meaning to meet up with me for ages but we weren’t able to find a time that worked for both of us. When we finally met, I could tell straight away she was pregnant. Just by her chubby face, haha! She was so nervous to tell me, but when she did, I was ecstatic! I told her that she should never feel bad about telling me her good news, that outside my own sadness, I’d be able to be happy for her! Luckily, I was already four weeks pregnant so the news didn’t deal a crushing blow. I even offered to plan her baby shower! I’m just so excited! My kid will have an age mate and I’ll have a pregnant friend!

I’m looking to throw a joint 30th birthday party and baby shower. I’m due in January so will be heavily pregnant during my birthday so I thought, two birds, one stone, make it one celebration and call it a day. I can’t wait to meet my little oyster. They’re mine and I love them already.

But ugh, I’m so fat. I haven’t put on much (any) weight but my God are my jeans tight. It’s just this stupid bloating and I’m really hating how my body looks. At least if I looked pregnant my fatness would make sense, but my belly is just rotund like I’ve eaten too much. Just let my bump pop out already. I’ve been taking weekly bump progression pics and I can’t wait to see how things compare to last week. It’ll be nice to see my oyster‘s growth reflected in my belly size.

hCG beta confirmed: 176 mIU/mL – I am definitely pregnant!

Gah, I still don’t feel anything. The fact that I sleep like a baby every night without the smallest hint of anxiety proves how little fucks I’m apparently giving. I’m pleased for myself, I’m definitely more jovial in myself but I just don’t feel overcome by emotion.

But now everyone knows that I’m with child – good!

I met up with Daye on Sunday, and oh my God! She’s pregnant! 20 weeks along!! I was like… (un)shocked and happy, so happy for her! More happy for her than I am for myself! I was literally over the moon! I even asked to plan her gender reveal! I’ve always begged her to get pregnant at the same time as me so I could have a pregnant buddy and here we are, both pregnant! And our kids will be really close in age! Amazing!! Aw me and my girl are having babies! Look at us! She’s been meaning to tell me, but she wanted to do it in person, and our schedules never aligned plus she was scared because of the infertility chapter of my life, bless her. But I told her, no matter what I’m going through, I would always be happy for her! Of course, being pregnant myself does soften the blow considerably but I’d get over my feelings and celebrate my friend regardless.

I can’t believe how quickly things have turned around. I almost forget all the pain and heartache I’ve been through. I almost forget that I’ll be having my first kid at 30 and not 28 like I wanted. I almost forget that being pregnant is something I’ve wanted for a long time now. I almost forget that the past two years happened, but they have shaped me, and I can’t say it’s for the better.

If I felt more emotions during my IVF cycle, be it negative or positive, maybe I’d feel more for this pregnancy. I’m scared postpartum depression is going to hit me like a brick and I won’t feel anything for my baby. I don’t feel love for it (yet – I hope). I don’t feel any attachment to it. I’m pretty impartial to its existence. I don’t know. Maybe in my mind, it’s not real yet. I can say I’m pregnant, but not feel the weight or the meaning behind the words because to me, they don’t really mean anything. I don’t know. I think I might need counselling.

In my deepest of subconscious, I know this baby is everything to me and I can only thank God that I found success so quickly, but please, let me feel something.

I’m pregnant!

Unfortunately, I’m not as excited as I once would have liked to be. It doesn’t feel like a victory, it just kind of feels like… nothing.

Maybe it’ll never feel real until I’m holding a screaming human in my arms.

Even Telis hasn’t shown anything more than acknowledgement. I guess we’re both kind of bruised.

But one thing I can say is –

I made it!

I got my positive yesterday at 4dp5dt and another one today. It was a pretty early positive so I hope maybe it means there’s more than one in there.

The next stage begins.

3 days post 5 day embryo transfer (3dp5dt) and here I am. Expectations are at zero. I had cramping on both 1dp- and 2dp5dt, but now – nothing. Oh well, good thing I don’t want kids, eh?

I’m just not feeling any excitement, or apprehension even. I just don’t see the point in children anymore. I mean, look at the downsides; no sleep, no money, no rest, constant worry. I think I’m happy with my two cats, they’re amazing and I adore them. They give me plenty of love and I feel fulfilled through knowing and loving them. They’re everything.

My mum is so excited, she probably thinks it’s a done thing but I know disappointment and I kind of feel bad for her. All she has to do is think of a man to fall pregnant so embryo in stomach is a sure thing for her. For me, yeah… no.

I’m kind of over it anyway.

But to update on my numbers, I ended up with three blastocysts good enough for transfer and freezing so one is currently in me and the other two are chilling on ice.

This IVF cycle was funded by our health service so I can’t even say I’m anything but grateful. Even if I got zero blastocysts, the failed cycle would at least gear me up for a second retrieval with better control of my stimulation meds and protocol.

I just need to breathe a huge sigh of not relief. Just something to release my pent up tension. I just want to know if it worked or not. I might not be so emotionally invested but I still do want positive results, even if I think I don’t.

I blew my nose today and blood, so yeah, hormones baby!

So here we are, one day post egg retrieval. We got 11 eggs. Today we found out six were mature and all six were successfully fertilised with ICSI. Now we wait for our day three update.

I’m somewhat disappointed that out of a potential of 30 follicles, only 12 seemed to develop to a reasonable point. But the good news is we have something, and that’s significantly better than nothing.

I’m surprised with how I’ve found the experience so far. Injecting the meds was uneventful. The egg retrieval was uneventful and any symptom, side-effect or discomfort was non-existent. I barely feel any pain from yesterday’s procedure!

The best part of yesterday was the sedation. It was so weird. A wooziness came over me and the last thing I said was “Whoa! It feels so weird” and then I was awake again struggling to keep my eyes open. What. An. Experience!

I’m not sure if I mentioned earlier but we have a new kitten. We got him almost three weeks ago and he’s the most playful, sweetest and gorgeous kitty ever! Introducing him to our cat took a few days as there was a lot of growling and hissing, but now they play fight constantly and get along well! She loves him and always grooms him and he loves her and always purrs when he’s near her. I feel complete.

Here’s the final table of follicle growth:

I’m in the middle of my IVF cycle and I’ve so far done eight days of stimulation with my ninth set of injections tonight. Things are… going slow. I was started off on a very low dose because they didn’t want to overstimulate me but as the days progressed, they upped the dose of my medication and here I am on day nine of stims with follicles that are nowhere near ready to be harvested.

I’ve been pretty apathetic throughout it all. But yesterday’s blood draw pushed me over the edge and actually reduced me to tears. The woman taking my blood messed up twice, didn’t get any blood and then, upon removing the needle, my vein literally exploded and blood gushed out everywhere. It was a fucking nightmare. And my jeans got stained – again! First they dripped blood on me on Friday and then they broke my fucking vein and dripped blood on me again – and that – that – was my finally straw.

But I’m over that now and we keep on moving.

I currently only have three follicles over 10mm in size and egg retrieval typically takes place at 17mm+. My biggest is at 15mm so even that isn’t ready. I’m just ready to be done. But if I can get a good number of follicles, avoid OHSS and do a fresh transfer then I guess slow and steady is the preferred trajectory of progress.

The injections have been chill, except the Cetrotide. Telis and I fucked that up the first time. Well, mostly Telis did. Cetrotide requires you to add a liquid solution that’s inside a syringe to a powder and when trying to get the needle onto the syringe, Telis managed to squeeze out some of the liquid so we had to start again with a new pack – what a waste. Luckily we’re not the ones paying for it.

I have my next scan and blood draw tomorrow. I’m predicting another three or four follicles making it over the 10mm threshold and instructions to keep stimming over the weekend. The doctor said egg collection is looking like it’ll be on Monday, but I think it’ll be on Wednesday, with how slow everything is moving.

But we keep pushing!

I feel sick.

I’ve never had a miscarriage before. Why haven’t I had a miscarriage before? Loads of people undergoing IVF have at least experienced a positive pregnancy test. That would tell them that sperm and egg can form an embryo and that the embryo can somewhat implant.

Why hasn’t that ever happened for me? What if there’s something wrong that IVF can’t help. I have no idea if my eggs can get fertilised. I have no idea if anything can implant in me. How can IVF work? I have no idea what I’m dealing with.

Where exactly are things going wrong? What is the issue? How can I be certain that IVF will work for us when nothing has worked inside my body? I know it sucks to lose a pregnancy but with a miscarriage, at least you’d know where to look or where to start. What if we start IVF and it’s just the beginning of a very long road because there’s so many things wrong with us.

I don’t think I can do it.

I have to inject myself, have eggs surgically removed and then wait for disappointment and I don’t want to do it.

I’ve never had a miscarriage. I can’t even think where exactly things are going wrong. I do try to picture every point of conception and I can’t understand why it hasn’t worked for us. Where are we falling short? I just don’t know. I’ve only ever had good test results bar the prolactin. Is there something major wrong with Telis‘ sperm? I’m scared we’ll create defective embryos. Something is going to go wrong.

Every time we have tried to start treatment, something has stopped us from moving ahead. I think I don’t believe we will end up starting IVF because something will go wrong, and even if we start, we’ll be surprised in some unexpected way. I’m just waiting for the blow.

Next month will be fun…

I’m not even sure what I came here to say.

It’s likely we’ll be starting IVF with my next cycle. I’m on cycle day 8 currently and have about 3 weeks before my next cycle is due. The clinic rang me today to confirm our funding was approved and I then booked a consultation for next Thursday to discuss my IVF plan.

Countdown to making baby Dera begins.

I haven’t heard back about the MRI but I’m assuming I don’t have a mass in my brain. I just hope that the medication I’m taking is working to bring my prolactin levels down. I might not be lucky enough to conceive naturally this cycle, but I can only assume that lower prolactin levels would help rather than hurt my IVF chances.

To be honest, I don’t even know what I’m doing this for. I feel like I’ve lost sight of what we’re actually aiming towards. I’m even questioning if a child is something that I want or if I’m just going through the motions of life. I don’t feel joy or sadness at the thought of a child. I feel pretty nonchalant about my life now and don’t really have a vision for where I want to be. I guess I’m just coasting along emotionlessly.

Work is basic but I guess I do need to try harder. I was at an education conference this week. I think it went well. I made colleague friends and had fun, so it wasn’t so bad.

I’m also trying another side hustle. I just need to find something that’ll work. Let’s see how this one goes.

I don’t have cancer so that’s something that has at least gone right for me. I am having an MRI tomorrow, however, to check for a mass on my brain. High prolactin levels can be caused by a prolactinoma so they just want to rule that out first. I went private for the endocrinologist – I was able to get an appointment almost immediately and was prescribed (an expensive) medication to help bring down my prolactin levels. I’m in two minds about the MRI since the doctor said it’s unlikely that with my levels, I’d have a mass on my brain and even if I did, the medication I have will be able to shrink it. So this I’m not worried about as between infertility, cancer and a benign adenoma, I’d rather have the adenoma.

Our application for IVF has been submitted to the clinic so now we’re basically waiting to start! They haven’t been in touch yet but I hope they do get in touch this week! Telis and I are going on a much needed holiday at the beginning of April when I’ll be fertile so with my reduced prolactin levels, maybe we’d have one more shot of a natural conception. If not, once we return, we’ll be starting IVF.

I’ve spent most of the year going in and out of hospitals and clinics for one reason or another, I just hope that 2022 will be my last year of medical struggles.

I had my first bad demo at work. The customer hated it. Work have just implemented a new system with lots of changes and it’s still quite buggy so my demo didn’t go to plan and things weren’t working how I would have liked. My Internet connection was pretty shit too and I guess the customer got fed up. It is what it is, but maybe now it’s time to rethink my job and look for a new role. What I need is maternity leave so I can take a break. I should have been pregnant two times over by now. Annoying…

I have a friend called Bailey, we met online on a forum when we both started trying to conceive. We both ended up infertile and became good friends. We’ve met up in real life a few times and she’s become one of my closest friends. I went wedding dress shopping with her! She and I talk everyday and we’ve pretty much had our own parallel journey with trying to make a baby. She recently had laparoscopic surgery to remove a cyst that was near her ovary and had one tube removed, while her other tube is blocked. She’ll also be going through IVF, most likely a few months after me. It’s funny how our lives have overlapped as we both started off excited to get pregnant and then the months went by and neither of us were getting pregnant. In a way, it’s nice we could keep each other company in infertility. She too has rabbits, well she had two, one white and one grey, like I did, but her white one injured her grey one so she rehomed her white rabbit (like I did) and now she’s left with her grey rabbit, while I had an injured and now dead grey rabbit. Haha!

I’ve been trying to find ways to make money. I want a mansion and the only way to get one is if we become rich. I have loads of ideas but the followthrough is poor on my part. Ugh. I just need that killer idea that will make us rich!

My weight loss is still going well. I’ve lost just over 7kg and I’m getting smaller and smaller. I don’t know if I was too fat to get pregnant before but I must be healthy enough for pregnancy now, right? My BMI is 21.7 and I started at 24.2 so that should maybe make a difference to my fertility right? If not, then at least I have the body I want for this holiday and I can wear my crop tops and anything else I wanna.

Tomorrow I get my boobs checked.

I can’t wait…!