Best Friends With Life

We’re doing it. IVF.

Telis and I signed the paperwork for our health service sponsored treatment. At least our taxes are going towards something worthwhile for us. Thank you “free” healthcare.

I had another prolactin blood test this week, my results were higher than before. The doctor called to tell me she’s referring me to an endocrinologist as well as a breast doctor – cool. Except, in my medical file, she put “Fast track referral for suspected breast cancer”. What the fuck!

Breast cancer??? Suspected?? Why??!

I had one case of nipple discharge and higher prolactin levels than normal. To me, that equals infertility, not cancer!! Can’t believe I have to go through with it but I guess better safe than sorry.

Lord have mercy.

At the beginning of the week, we also spoke to a doctor from our fertility clinic about what went wrong with Telis‘ numbers. We found out his total sperm count was actually 30 million but literally only 0.06% of his sperm survived the washing process. We don’t know what that means about his sperm but they didn’t cope too well and most ended up being unhealthy or dying.

If out of 30 million, only 180 thousand were healthy it just makes you wonder what the hell has been going on inside me. Of course, I’m probably not without fault and have my own thing contributing to our infertility so the only logical step now is to just await our IVF treatment.

I can’t say I’m not excited though.

In other news, I’m starting a tutoring business. Hehe! I’ve put an ad online on a classified website but it’s yet to garner any interest. I think I need to work on my marketing either way. I always seem to come back to teaching. It may be my calling – I love it. I’m thinking about starting with 1 to 1 tuitions in WordPress website development and then maybe branching out to craft tutorials, like I did with my YouTube channel, but in person.

I want Telis and I to be able to be that little bit richer so we can afford things quicker, like a mansion.

I’m definitely charging a very reasonable price because not only are they gaining knowledge but they’re also getting a fully functional website at the end of it, and websites cost a lot, so I’m definitely a cheap alternative. I just don’t know where people go to look for in-person tutors. That’s probably research for this weekend.

I guess I better get back to my shitty life.

Caio!

What an absolute shit show of a day.

The IUI didn’t happen.

Telis turned up, produced a sample, left, came back, produced another sample, all for an IUI that wouldn’t be done because his initial numbers were abysmal and his second even worse.

His total count was 6.6 million. In December it was 300 million.

After washing of the semen, the total motile count was 180,000. So yeah, no point wasting money on an insemination, I’m going home.

I’m shocked at the huge reduction in numbers. My fucking follicles should have been the least of my concerns.

But exactly 72 days ago, it was 29th November 2021. He had used the sauna a few times and I’m thinking maybe the heat pretty much killed all his baby sperm, which obviously would have matured and released around this time.

But, if not the sauna, then maybe the antibiotics he took in December.

And if not that, then maybe we’re just cursed and any attempt to have a child will be rebuffed.

I can’t even be mad. I should have expected anything and everything to go wrong. I’m at fault for thinking life would provide some leniency but no, it’s just gone full bitch on us. An unrelenting, heartless, sadistic, sociopathic bitch. I can’t even be bothered trying with this shit anymore. I just can’t imagine anything working out for us at this point.

I’m really tired of this life.

Life has made it perfectly clear that we shouldn’t be trying for kids. Maybe I’m the fool for not saying enough is enough. I’m so tired. So maybe enough is enough.

I ovulated a few hours ago. I could feel it. We did have sex, but if there’s no sperm then we’re really just wasting our time.

Sex is a waste of time. IUI was clearly a waste of time. IVF will probably be a waste of time. I just don’t see any hope for us. I’m not sure what we did to deserve this but I’m done asking for forgiveness. It’s made no difference and whatever we do or try doesn’t and won’t work so maybe we should just wave the white flag and surrender.

Spare ourselves the heartache and call it a day.

Currently in the middle of my first IUI cycle. I’ve taken 2.5mg of Letrozole on days 2-6 of my cycle and I’ve had two scans so far. First scan on CD9, everything looked great and positive, I had two lead follicles at 12mm and 13mm. Then today, CD12, I had another scan, where one follicle had grown to 17mm and the other stagnated behind at 13mm.

The doctor wanted me to trigger today. I did not want to.

My lining is just about 7mm but actually I reckon the doctor fudged the numbers a bit because initially I saw she was measuring my lining at 6.something mm but then when she saw one of my follicles was big enough she went back and took additional lining measurements and the measurements were suddenly showing 7.something mm. That definitely didn’t inspire any confidence.

So I’ve asked if I could wait an additional day before triggering and they’ve agreed. So, I will trigger tomorrow and do the IUI on Wednesday.

I’m not feeling very confident. If I had it my way, I would wait for my body’s natural LH surge and then trigger then because I know that’s when my eggs would most likely be at their peak maturity. Oh well, if it doesn’t work out, which I know it won’t, we’ll switch to another clinic. I’m not happy that they’re not trying to maximise my follicle maturity. They’re not even attempting to let the smaller follicle catch up in size. If by some miracle, the smaller one can grow by 2-3mm in the next day, then it might be big enough to release an egg by the time I trigger. Doubtful but let’s see how it goes.

Best case scenario would be for my LH surge to start tomorrow.

I just feel so deflated. I was hoping for two big follicles. Big as in 20mm+ because I know my follicles naturally get that big, and a lining of 9mm+ because that’s what I can expect in my regular cycles. I just feel like things are being done too early. I don’t really have any hope for this cycle.

And like I said it would, it did.

My period is starting and with it closes the chapter to our natural conception journey.

I’m heartbroken. This last cycle I really did give it everything. I thought maybe if I tried really hard we’d be successful. But things haven’t worked out and it hurts.

As soon as my period properly starts, my life will be all about assisted reproduction. This is where I have found myself.

I can’t even muster up any joy for the potential of success. As far as I know, nothing may work. The cyclical disappointment I’ll be facing is going to hurt more than the past 1.5 years.

My God this is so tough. We failed and now here we are.

Welp.

I took a pregnancy test yesterday evening and it was expectedly nega-nega-negative. Woo!

But testing definitely helped calm my anxiety; I kept an eye on my FitBit and my heart rate started going down. That meant I was afforded a night of sleep where I could actually fall asleep! I’m still knackered today so I’ll probably take a nap in a bit, but at least it meant I wasn’t still awake at 5am with a racing heart like the night before last.

So anyway, I was fully expecting my temps and RHR to crash this morning, it was obviously time for my period to make an appearance so I went to bed in the knowledge that today would be a day of anarchy and blood.

Except…

I woke up to the highest temperature I’ve ever had ever.

I was still a bit drowsy so I didn’t fully clock what I was looking at; 37.02°C.

Huh?!

So that basically means by body isn’t done with my luteal phase so I should expect a longer luteal phase but obviously my period still, right? Because, that’s what I’ll be doing.

My RHR did fall by one point today but it’s still stupidly high. I thought it would at least go down by 4 points but I guess tomorrow is a new day.

That being said, my boobs still don’t hurt and I have no cramps or spotting so I’m expecting a stealth attack. It might not be today, but it will be tomorrow.

Mark my words.

In other news, I’ve lost 4kg since starting my diet on 7th Jan. Yay!

Good morning!

Last night I was so sure everything would come crashing down today – temps, resting heart rate, breathing rate – everything.

Lo and behold, they’ve all gone up, which means they’ll all be crashing down tomorrow instead!

I said I’d test if my parameters stayed or went up, but I’m a little pussy who doesn’t believe she can get pregnant so it probably won’t happen.

My breasts still aren’t tender. Only my left nipple was sore yesterday and it was sending a horrible ache through my left breast, but today it feels fine.

I’m convinced that I probably am not pregnant and it’s the acupuncture that has changed things this cycle. My theory is that it balanced my hormones so well that my luteal phase is much longer and resting heart rate much higher – that can be the only explanation.

When I was on progesterone pessaries many cycles back, my temps stayed elevated until 12DPO, so that’s probably what will happen this cycle too.

I slept like shit from the anxiety but I guess testing negative is the only thing that’ll put my mind to rest. Good thing I’m probably a masochist, I’m going to torture myself to insomnia.

Oh, and get this! My estimated due date this cycle is 2 years exactly from the cycle we started trying to conceive. Literally my first trying to conceive cycle started on 7th October 2020 and if I’m pregnant, my baby will be due 7th October 2022. The thought of that actually made me a bit teary.

Am I… Pregnant?

My heart rate has skyrocketed to heights I’ve never seen before!

Between ovulation and my peak luteal phase resting heart rate (RHR), my bpm typically increases by 4 to 6 points. Right now my resting heart rate is 11 points higher than my ovulation RHR!! What did acupuncture do to me?!

It’s probably nothing but I can’t help but wonder. Maybe it’s how my body is responding to my hormones post acupuncture.

I’ve compared it to my cycle where I took progesterone and my current RHR is even higher than that! Madness. What’s going on?!

But I’ve had cramps today so not really expecting anything but disappointment.

Tomorrow is 10DPO, the day before my period is due to start, so we’ll see.

Oh! And I don’t have period boobs!!

* * *

I think I spoke too soon… My boobs are starting to get sore, so I’m expecting my period within the next few days. The hope was nice while it lasted.

* * *

So the pain is different. It aches only in my left breast just behind my nipple. But I’m still cramping, so yeah, period is en route.

Lots to say. Lots to say.

I started acupuncture two weeks ago because if this was my last chance to try to conceive naturally, then I was going to pull out all the stops! So I started acupuncture. I also went on a diet. Started a very low calorie diet meal plan with Telis but I was constantly feeling weak so I stopped after a week and switched to a keto diet. I’ve completely cut out carbs and it makes no difference to me – but then again, I’m not that attached to carbs or sugar. During each sex session, I also used lots and lots of fertility lube and then finished off with a ferti-lily cup thing to hold the sperm up to my cervix. You can’t say I didn’t try this cycle.

But the thing of note here is the acupuncture session. That shit did something. It fixed me somehow because my BBT chart showed a very clear, high jump in temperature shortly after I ovulated and that is something that has never happened before. I usually have very, very, very slow rises in temperature, where I reach a peak temperature around 9/10DPO before it then starts falling and my period starts.

I can’t believe my body did something normal. I’m so shocked at the immediate effects of acupuncture! My hormones responded beautifully and I have a BBT chart that looks like what it’s supposed to! My biggest worry was that my body wasn’t responding well to the progesterone hormone, but this huge jump in temperature shows that this cycle, my hormones are doing great and my body is responding perfectly!

So apart from that, I also have another theory. Prolactin! I had a blood test two days ago and I just got my results back today showing that I have high prolactin! I fucking knew it! However, the results were pretty much borderline-high and is barely of concern so what I’m theorising is that my prolactin levels were much higher prior to starting acupuncture, and the acupuncture must have brought my levels down to borderline-high, causing my BBT to rise significantly after ovulation. I wish I’d had a progesterone test done to see where my levels are at but I’m feeling pretty optimistic that they are normal this cycle. Obviously, this is the story that I’ve created for myself in my head but it’s the only thing that makes sense. I don’t have anything obvious causing my short luteal phase and borderline-low progesterone, and prolactin is the only hormone to be slightly out of whack, so I’m guessing that must be the underlying cause. Plus, it must have been pretty high for me to get leaky nipples that one cycle!

However, I have been losing weight. I’ve lost about 3kg in just under two weeks so that could be another reason as to why my hormones are stabilising, although I doubt it because my slow rise BBT and leaky nipples happened when I was a lighter weight and I’ve never actually been overweight in my life so I can’t even make that much of a convincing argument that it’s due to my weight loss.

But what I can say is that my previous self-diagnosis of weak ovulation probably isn’t the case. And I can categorically say that I don’t have PCOS as my testosterone and androgen levels came back within normal limits. Heck, even my TSH levels were lower this cycle. So all signs point to high prolactin, so I need to devise my next steps so that conceiving number two is a breeze.

So, yeah.

My ancestors have been talking to me. Or at least something on a subconscious level is happening. Some time, quite early this cycle, I heard the voice of one of my aunts so very clearly, like they were right beside me, and they said “baby is coming”. I could be projecting, but I have never heard a voice that wasn’t there inside my head (or outside my head, I guess). It was freaky, but I passed it off as my imagination. Then today, a random Fridarian song, that I’m not even sure of the lyrics and I haven’t heard in like years, started playing in a loop in my head. The song translated to, “it’s coming, [inaudible] is coming.” Now, [inaudible] could mean anything so I sort of fitted the Fridarian word for “child” into it, and it sounds familiar, but again, I think I did it subconsciously. The word could have easily been “money”. So I’ve tried searching for the song to confirm the correct lyrics and I can’t find it. I’ll try again. I’ve just realised that the song could actually be talking about the coming of Jesus. Awks.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand: acupuncture making me fertile. Since yesterday, I’ve been having some pain in my pelvic area. Kind of a burning, acidic pain (not that that makes sense.) Obviously it means nothing but I’d like to think that everything has aligned beautifully this cycle to get me pregnant but I won’t be holding my breath.

IUI is just around the corner and if that fails, then onto IVF we go. But this year, I’m making a fucking baby.

It’s a new year and I spent the whole of 2021 trying to make a baby. Lols.

Journal, what the actual flying fuck is happening?

It’s 1:30am on CD (cycle day) 22 of my cycle and my period has started. The spotting started on CD21, confusing the fuck out me and now it looks like it’s a full blown period.

To be honest, this cycle has been a hot mess. I had spotting from CD10 to CD13 – I have no idea why. And then I got ovulation pain for a week straight starting on CD13 – I have no idea why. And then my boobs got crazy sore crazy fast – AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHY!

I’m not even sure I ovulated. I had a transvaginal scan on CD12, which showed a 20mm dominant follicle and no obvious reasons as to why I was spotting, so I’m guessing it’s all hormonal? The last time I had a 21 day cycle was when I took the emergency contraceptive pill – so back then, I HAD AN IDEA WHY!

We wanted to start an IUI cycle but looks like that’s getting postponed as my period is early and I don’t have my drugs yet!

What a fun way to start the new year.

Telis‘ parents are here from Telisland. They’ve been here a while now and helped us fix a new light in the dining room as well as paint some walls. They’ve been a delight to have!

I am somehow living a life outside of trying to conceive, believe it or not, although sometimes it doesn’t feel like it.

Telis and I will be starting a very low calorie diet with meal replacement shakes, soups, bars and snacks. I’ve put back on all the weight I lost and maybe being sexy again will make me feel a bit better about myself.

Although Telis does need to lose weight, it doesn’t seem to be impacting his sperm. His most recent semen analysis was amazing! The best he’s ever had. I’m proud of him for keeping on top of the vitamins but it just confirms that the problem lies with me.

We’ll be doing a medicated IUI cycle. They’ll put me on letrozole, which will hopefully strengthen my eggs, then I’ll hopefully have a hCG trigger shot administered, then once I’ve ovulated I’ll be on progesterone pessaries. I’m really hoping that whatever issue I have that’s making me infertile is mostly hormonal and not physiological. I’m seriously pinning all my hopes on that because if it’s hormonal, that’s already half the battle won as it’s an easy fix (I hope).

I just feel like as time goes on, I’m getting further and further away from fertility and closer and closer to infertility. My cycles clearly don’t seem to be conducive to getting pregnant and I feel like ever since we started trying, everything has just been getting worse. I sometimes just want to give up. If we’re lucky enough to conceive one child, I don’t think I’d like to try again for a sibling. My only chance for more than one child is if I’m fortunate enough to have multiples at once. If not, then I’m sticking to one.

What a sad, sad life. Amongst all my blessings (that I mustn’t ignore) is still a sad, sad life.

Happy Fucking New Year.