Best Friends With Life

It hurts. My heart feels like it’s breaking. I can’t believe I’m still here. I can’t do it anymore.

I’ve tried everything. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t understand what I’ve done wrong. I just wish someone would tell me.

I can’t keep going on like this. There has to be an end. One more month and I’ll officially be classed as infertile. I can’t believe this is my life. I didn’t think this would happen to me. But I also knew this would happen to me.

I just don’t know what I’ve done. I’ve always thought I’m a good person. I try to do good to others, help others but I must be doing something wrong.

If it can’t happen naturally after a year, then it definitely means there’s something wrong. Why has my body failed me. What did I do wrong?

I want to scream and shout. I feel so overwhelmed, I don’t know what to do with myself.

Am I a bad person? Is this why this is happening?

I know the right thing to do is to stop wanting kids. I know this is my lot in life.

I’m sad that I have to mourn a life without children but the sooner I accept it, the quicker I can move on with my life.

I can’t be consumed by this. I can’t spend the next x number of years like this. I’m done! I can’t do it anymore.

I always thought I’d be a mother, but there are some things in life you can’t control, so I will say goodbye to this dream and look towards a new one.

I feel so lost. I feel like what I have ahead of me is way beyond my ability to fix. I haven’t been able to stop crying. If I’m not crying then I’m feeling sad and broken.

Telis‘ semen analysis did show low sperm count and I’ve had him take vitamins and cut back on alcohol and caffeine but we still failed cycle 5. My cycles are short and maybe my luteal phase isn’t great. It’s at a consistent 11 days but receiving my progesterone results as low, just completely threw me.

I feel like I’ve been doing what needs to be done to get my hormones to where they need to be, I’ve been taking lots of vitamins and supplements but if my body is so broken that nothing can fix it, is there any point wishing and hoping anymore?

I knew from the onset that I’d struggle. It’s just this inherit belief I have. Just to even fathom the thought that I could ever have a child of my own, every instinct in me screams, ‘it’s never going to happen!’

It doesn’t help that my neighbour India gave birth two weeks ago and all I hear through my walls is a screaming baby. We’re moving to our first home in a few weeks and yesterday, we walked around the neighbourhood and it was children and families everywhere and it made me feel so down. Are we moving into a family home within a family neighbourhood, only to be faced with a constant reminder of what we don’t have? Are we living in a house just for two? Will our home ever be filled with laughter and noise?

I don’t know what to do anymore. We’re taking a break this cycle. I’m being driven to constant sadness. Cycle 6. I can’t beleive we fall into the category of those who haven’t conceived within 6 months. It hasn’t been 6 months yet, but it almost will be, and nothing would have changed anyway. 12 months and we’ll probably be right where we are.

I’ve paid to speak to our fertility consultant to get his opinion on what we can do. Perhaps we should just go straight for treatment and not bother with having sex for baby making purposes.

It sucks. I don’t want to pay to make a baby. I still remember crying, many years ago, over the fact that, with Jomi and I being sickle cell carriers, we’d probably have to consider conceiving via IVF to prevent having a sickle cell child. Maybe my sadness at needing IVF is my punishment now. I’ve been going over scenarios in my head of what I may have said or done to warrant this punishment. I still remember, I knew an infertile couple as a young teenager and I wonder if I ever thought something negative about their predicament. I don’t think I’m a bad person but I wish I knew what I was being punished for so that I could beg for forgiveness.

There’s only so many tears I can waste. Coming from a fertile family, maybe this is the universes way of saying that someone has to suffer. Maybe we can’t have it all. Maybe I’m the one who has to martyr their fertility. I don’t know.

I’m not looking forward to the coming months. Every time I think about trying to conceive, I get this overwhelming need to scream and throw and break something. I imagine hurting myself. What it would be like to just curl up in the freezing night air and have my body freeze over. I just want to let go of this anger and frustration and hopelessness!

Being in lockdown has exacerbated everything I’m feeling. I have nowhere to go and nothing to do. My thoughts are consumed by this one thing. There’s nowhere to turn to as a distraction. There’s nowhere to go. I can’t keep staring at the same four walls and expect to stay sane. I just need to get away from me. To escape this nightmare that is my life.

Shhh… Don’t tell anyone but I…

Think… I’m…

Pregnant!

What? Well basing it solely on my symptoms it could be pregnancy but it could also be PMS so I don’t want to get ahead of myself.

But there could be a baby inside of me. My own little human, growing inside my body.

I so want this to be true! I want this so bad. Here’s hoping.

* * *

I was wrong.

* * *

I’m not pregnant. I’m stupid to think that I could be. What’s even the point of feeling hopeful. I’m walking straight into cycle 6 as nothing more than a statistic now. I don’t even think I can cry. I keep imagining that there’s still a chance, but I’m not stupid. I’ve never felt my cervix be so textbook periody. Low, hard and very open. With so much blood my period might as well have started. I just want to sleep and not bother with this week anymore. I’m tired. Even thinking about having sex again next cycle is breaking my heart. How long will I have to do this for? I just feel so betrayed by my body.

I’m tired and frustrated. I really can’t be bothered. I’ve been symptom spotting all week and now I feel ridiculous. What’s the point of even pretending I could be pregnant, that the symptoms aren’t in my head? I don’t think I can get pregnant naturally – I should be so lucky… Let me just focus on my life. We’ll book an appointment in a few months time and get the fertility treatment started. I know I’m infertile, I don’t know why I allowed myself to feel some hope. This cycle did feel different and I didn’t want to get all depressed over my lack of baby making abilities so I gave in to the excitement and now it’s all been for nothing. My temps aren’t giving anything away… I’ve basically flatlined, just like my hope.
This is fucking depressing. I can’t do it anymore. Cycle 6 soon and if I was over 35, I’d be expected to see a fertility specialist.

I have a good feeling about this month. I don’t know why. I’m pretty pessimistic when it comes to trying to conceive but my subconscious knows something. Or maybe I’m tricking my subconscious into thinking it knows something. Either way, things just feel different. Or maybe I’m just wishing that things will feel different. I don’t know. Everytime I choose to not get my hopes up, my ability to not get pregnant just confirms things.

I’m only 2dpo and my symptoms are stupid. Going to bed and waking up sneezing means absolutely nothing. This stupid cramp in my left leg (the side where I ovulated from) means absolutely nothing. The heaviness in my uterus and vagina mean nothing. It’s too early for anything to mean something, yet making unseemly connections to things that aren’t even there isn’t going to help anyone. Least of all me.

But then we have the curious case of the missing semen. Where did it go?? If there was even half a chance that every last drop went inside me, I’d happily close the case as solved and expect a baby but what goes up must come down. And as far as I know, liquids aren’t immune to gravity. This will be an interesting two weeks, to say the least. Having symptoms is fun. Even if they mean nothing. I just don’t want that disappointment to hit harder than it usually does…

Telis,

I can’t sleep. Sex has continued to be a constant source of disappointment for me. Representing my inability to get aroused. My inability to have an orgasm. And my inability to conceive a child. I don’t think I can do it anymore. I can only feel sorry for you who will have to bear the burden of a sexless and childless marriage. I’m sorry for being broken. Not sure what else I can do to fix things. I know I’m being punished for something. Maybe it’s because I’m not deserving. I don’t know what I did wrong, I’m still trying to understand. Maybe I can make amends or beg for forgiveness. I don’t know. I just can’t open my legs and pretend that I’m even working a little bit. 3 months has gone, and as we approach 6 months, I can see little progress made. And then we’ll be faced with 12 months and then 2 years. That’s not a road I want to go down. For the sake of my own sanity and the preservation of our marriage. I thought making a baby will involve love and passion but instead, I’m filled with despair and aversion. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to have sex anymore. Not only will I be reminded that I’m sexually defunct, I’ll also have to add infertile to the list. I’m not sure why I haven’t been able to stop crying. We haven’t even done anything yet. Maybe I’m just mourning something that’ll never be. I guess it’s time for a new dream now?

Happy New Year!!

Ok, so this is cycle number 4 and I’m still not pregnant! Telis and I have a fertility appointment tomorrow morning and I have no idea why I booked one. We’ve gone private and paid for it ourselves and it was pretty pricey so now I feel stupid for potentially jumping the gun when everything could be fine.

Maybe the semen analysis is all I needed to get. Obviously, with Telis being in the obese category I worry that his sperm may not be optimum. Anyway, we’ll find out soon enough. We’ve both been taking vitamins to help with our fertility. I just worry that it’ll take us ages. I’m nervous.

We haven’t been able to have much sex this cycle because Telis needs to avoid ejaculating for 2 to 5 days, so we’ll have to get back to it after tomorrow’s appointment, especially since I ovulate tomorrow too! I’m not holding out much hope for this cycle anyway…

We’re buying a house! This is the third one we’ve offered on after pulling out of the first two. First one I didn’t like, second, the tenants weren’t served notice yet, so hopefully, this’ll be third house lucky!

Be at peace Dera and write down all that worries you.

What is it about trying to conceive that worries me most. Maybe it’s the lack of control, the not know of what’s happening. That any minute all hope can be lost with the patter of red on dark underwear. I want to have a child. I want to be a mother. I’m so nervous that it won’t happen for me. I’m also so excited but don’t want to test because I just imagine the test being negative. I want to believe I’m pregnant but I just can’t imagine it. I would love a child. I want this so much. To know that I am growing a life inside me. But tomorrow is a new day

I must now write down my thoughts because my mind has been heavy with them. I can’t sleep. So, what is really going on?

Well, nothing major, I’m just really anxious about being pregnant and not being pregnant. I don’t want my period to start but at the same time, if I am pregnant, it’s going to be so exciting. I’ve always wanted to be a mother and this is the one thing I’m sacred that I’ll never have so the fear of missing out on pregnancy every month gets me really anxious.

I know this fear is irrational because i have no reason to fear for my fertility. Anatomically, I am perfect.

This time, we may have been successful. I am so nervous!

I forgot to add yesterday that the other day, I asked the universe to give me a sign that I was pregnant and that night, out of nowhere, my husband briefly put his hand on my stomach. In the moment I was like WOAH! And I couldn’t stop smiling!

Anyway, I feel like shit. Just general lightheadedness. Maybe I’m anaemic or maybe Telis‘ sperm have found their way into my brain because I did read that sperm can casj swim around your body. Not a big deal.

I really think it is too early to be getting pregnancy symptoms and I don’t think that’s it. If I am pregnant, maybe I can come back and theorise why I’ve been feeling so bleh since ovulation, but for now, I’m going to put it down to my body reacting to my psychological desire to be pregnant.