Journal, I’m conflicted.
I don’t have that overwhelming desire to spend the rest of my life with Telis, or anyone for that matter. I’m scared that I never will.
The thought of Telis proposing to me isn’t something I give much attention to – the moment it’s in my head, I try not to think about it because all I can see is myself saying no and then running away. It’s probably just fear after having a failed engagement. I can think of him being the father of my kids without recoiling away but even that has its limits.
I wish I could see a forever with someone, anyone. But when I think of Telis, I just wonder if I’ll forever be not attracted to him. If there will come a day where I just look at him and think that I could have found someone more physically suited to my taste. And even worse; if I meet someone I do find attractive and start resenting Telis for me being in a relationship with him.
He’s so loving and everything I say I want in a man but I can’t help that he isn’t everything I want in a man… physically. He doesn’t repulse me, but he doesn’t excite me either. I wish looks just weren’t as important. I wish it could be as simple as getting along well with someone, but amicability is only half of it.
I hate that I sometimes worry that people will judge me based on what he looks like. And sometimes I just don’t really want to be seen with him in a romantic capacity. It was worse when he dressed terribly, but at least his dress sense has gotten better. He just isn’t any slimmer, so he isn’t any more attractive in my eyes.
All I can do is take the relationship day by day as I have been doing for the past nine months, but a time will come when I need to make a decision for my long term future and I don’t think I’ll be ready to do that, now or even one year down the line.
He thinks he makes me sad, but he doesn’t. I make me sad because in my head I’m thinking these thoughts and I wish I wasn’t.
I know I can’t have everything. Something has got to give but are there other things I’d rather sacrifice than physical attractiveness?